Jimmy Adamson, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Unfriend Me RIGHT NOW if You’re Literally Yolanda Saldívar, the Woman Who Shot Selena

January 1, 2021

If you are reading this right now and your name is Yolanda Saldívar… FUCK. YOU. You literally MURDERED beloved singer/songwriter/spokesperson/businesswoman/…

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megadeth, megadeath, misspell, dumb, english, class, doodle

Idiot 6th Grader Writes “Megadeath” on Notebook

August 19, 2020

WARRENVILLE, Ill. — Local sixth grader Billy Luetzen suffered a crushing embarrassment yesterday after writing “Megadeath” instead of “Megadeth” on…

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bathroom, scary, depressed, murders, killers

Depressed Woman Doesn’t Even Bother Looking Behind Shower Curtain for Murderers Before Taking Pee

July 26, 2020

CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower…

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Guy Scratches “Call Grandma” Off of To-Do List

April 6, 2020

AVENTURA, Fla. — Local man Benjamin Eads tearfully crossed off “call Grandma” from his to-do list today after the COVID-19…

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Opinion: Does Rubbing Your Deeply Receded Hairline Count as Touching Your Face?

March 24, 2020

I’m balding! And I’m super nervous in general. I’m only 39 and I’ve had my prostate checked eight times. I’m…

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Bad Sign? Doctors Are Telling Everyone to “Take up Smoking, Drugs, Whatever Just Enjoy Your Damn Self”

March 18, 2020

So last week I was feeling under the weather: sniffling, a little dry cough, fever, you know the drill. Normally…

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We Look Back on the Entire History of Punk, 1977-1977

March 8, 2020

Some genres of music span a lifetime and will live on forever. Jazz, Rock ‘N Roll, Grindcore, and Symphonic Death…

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I Don’t Care If You’re Black, White, Purple… but If You’re Electric Lime Green? Get the Fuck out of My Country!

March 4, 2020

I am not a racist. I’m friends with all sorts of different colors of people. Black, white, brown, beige, khaki.…

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aging punk, old, jaded, boring, lame, tattoos

Aging Punk Enters “I Don’t Even Really Listen to Punk Anymore” Phase of Being Punk

February 9, 2020

CHICAGO — 28-year-old aging punk Johnny “Ratfuck” Pitzki has entered the “I don’t even really listen to punk anymore” phase…

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