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Guy Scratches “Call Grandma” Off of To-Do List

AVENTURA, Fla. — Local man Benjamin Eads tearfully crossed off “call Grandma” from his to-do list today after the COVID-19 pandemic took care of the task for him, currently quarantined sources confirmed.

“I’d been avoiding it for so long, and I sort of just thought this whole outbreak was a big joke. Every day I’d look at my to-do list and say to myself, ‘Tomorrow is fine, she always goes to bingo on Tuesdays and I don’t want to disturb her,’” explained the 39-year-old who up until yesterday continued going to his local bar to hang out with friends. “I really wish I called her five days ago and told her to wear a mask and wash her hands a lot. I know she watches a lot of Fox News, and Lord knows what they’d been filling her brain with.”

Benjamin’s mother, Denise, had been begging her lazy son to call his Grandma.

“I told that dummy every time I saw him, ‘You’d better call Grandma, she’s not gonna be around forever.’ Now I’m not even sure if he will be one of the 10 people we can legally have at her funeral,” she explained from the front porch of her single family home. “His brother, James, called my mother every week and I’m a little bitter he never gave her instructions on how to stay safe. I’m realizing both my sons might be pieces of shit.”

A local medical professional had some advice for procrastinators who have been putting off calling their loved ones.

“Do it. Right now. As soon as you’re done reading this. Don’t text — pick up the phone and call them. Call your loved ones,” pleaded local hospice nurse Keri Jappell, while pushing a covered stretcher to the back alley of the hospital. “People are dropping like flies. Tomorrow, or even later today, might be too late. Stop treating this like it’s all media hype — it’s not. Otherwise healthy people are dying and soon we might have to start turning people away.”

At press time, Eads had yet to scratch the other things off his to-do list, which included “Buy hand sanitizer” and “Quit vaping.”