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Opinion: Does Rubbing Your Deeply Receded Hairline Count as Touching Your Face?

I’m balding! And I’m super nervous in general. I’m only 39 and I’ve had my prostate checked eight times. I’m a nervous bald guy! I’m like Woody Allen, except I’m bald and my Asian fetish is slightly more palatable. And when you’re a nervous bald guy who loves niche Asian porn like me, you’re constantly rubbing your head where your precious, precious hair used to be.

Like everybody else, I’m looking for ways to prevent getting Coronavirus. Don’t gather in crowds! Stay away from public transportation! Avoid contact with sick people! No more trips to Myanmar to lick public toilets! And under no circumstance, do NOT touch your face!

Wait! Does rubbing my receded hairline count as touching my face??

Fuck. Have I been touching my face this whole time? The more I’m told not to touch my face, the more I want to! It’s like Catholics and abortions! Or me looking at a “no licking” sign in the public restroom of a Singapore McDonald’s! I can’t stop, especially if you tell me to stop!

What else am I not supposed to rub? My balls? Oh shit. I rub my balls all the time! Wait, what if I rub my face and THEN rub my balls?? Are my balls going to get coronavirus?! How much worse is Balls coronavirus than face coronavirus? I don’t even wanna think about it. And the more I don’t wanna think about it, the more I think about it! I’m definitely getting balls coronavirus, I can feel it.

 

I’m rubbing my receding hairline right now just thinking about all this shit! See a news report about staying home? Rub my receding hairline. Trump tweets? Rub my receding hairline. Picture of people in hazmat suits? A quick trip to eastasiantoiletcams.gov and then RUB MY RECEDING HAIRLINE!

Wait, I think I got it! What if I get a wig?! Will that protect me from coronavirus? Are any wig stores still open? They seem pretty essential at a time like this.

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