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Aging Punk Enters “I Don’t Even Really Listen to Punk Anymore” Phase of Being Punk

CHICAGO — 28-year-old aging punk Johnny “Ratfuck” Pitzki has entered the “I don’t even really listen to punk anymore” phase of his life, complete with a new wardrobe and total disregard for the scene, apathetic sources confirmed.

“Yeah… I dunno. Punk is just kinda getting boring to me. A bunch of old white guys screaming about who knows what, I get it,” Ratfuck explained while yawning and fingering the brim of his new fedora. “I’m just really getting into, like, alt country and acid jazz. Oh, and afro-Latin pop fusion. Any genre that starts with an ‘A’, basically. I just want to be challenged now.”

“I’m so over proving myself in the pit to a bunch of trust fund losers,” he later added. “Now it’s about expanding my musical horizons, and listening to a lot of podcasts about budgeting.”

Pitzki’s close associates are not enthused.

“He’s being a total fucking poser,” declared Kate Ramsay, drummer of their band, Ratfuck and the Fuck Rats. “I had a real bad feeling when Ratfuck showed up to band practice wearing a weird button-up with palm trees printed on it — apparently he traded in his Assück shirt for it. And he was wearing these weird things on his feet. They weren’t boots… they were smaller, and had weird air bubbles in the sole. He said when he walked in them his knees didn’t hurt. Sellout.”

Dr. Jason M. Smith, Professor of Punk at DePaul University, noted with a sigh that this phenomenon is nothing new.

“Most punks will eventually reach this phase,” Dr. Smith said as he pulled up an incredibly detailed PowerPoint presentation on aging punks. “Johnny is 28 in normal person years, which means he’s about 58 in punk years. He started at the Epitaph/Fat phase when he was 12, moved on to a straight edge phase, then the Goth/Indie Rock rock phase, and now he’s here.”

“The final phase will, of course, be his lonely and untimely death,” he added.

Ratfuck has since quit his band, changed his name back to Jonathan Finch, and is now a DJ spinning soul music for other hip white people who defend Morrissey online.