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If the COVID Vaccine Was Actually Safe, I’d Be Able To Buy It at Walmart Like My Guns

Everything this simple man’s ever needed in life can be found at my local Walmart. Hell, even if I were fancier I’d still get all my needs met at the Walmart Superstore the town over. From frozen Angus beef burgers and Dr. Pepper to long cut Skoal and Jack Daniel’s, Walmart’s got all the essentials a man like me requires for a healthy life, including my biggest need of all: Arms and ammunition to protect myself and my family from the imminent danger waiting for an opportune moment to strike. But you know what’s not available at Walmart? Those Goddamn Covid vaccines the LIE-ence people are peddling.

Sure, it’s CDC approved but I just don’t trust any product without the official Walmart Smiley-face of approval.

If you ask me, science is just a stone’s throw away from witchcraft. Hell, if you ask me we should also bring back throwing stones at suspected witches. But nobody ever asks me. If you actually look in a science classroom, you’ll see it’s all potions and spells brewing behind locked doors. But you know what’s never locked up? The guns I got at Walmart. Why keep stricter regulations on knowledge than literal weapons unless you know deep down it’s more dangerous?

If the Walton family doesn’t feel inclined to stock Covid vaccines, why should I feel inclined to get vaccinated? They are billionaires, mind you, and everyone knows that people with tons of money are smarter and more trustworthy. The researchers and doctors who made these vaccines are so much poorer than the Waltons. Why would I trust regular ol’ Joe Shmo, Ph.D. with my life? They clearly have their own interests in mind.

I will say though, if Walmart does end up offering Covid vaccines I’d consider getting one. But only if they make a cheaper, generic “Equate” version. I don’t subscribe to the whole health insurance thing, though I might reconsider signing up if Walmart offers me a plan in the checkout line.