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Practice Space’s COVID Safety Protocol Says Nothing About Horrible Black Mold Problem

DEER PARK, N.Y. — The owners of local rehearsal space Damned Studios released a number of safety protocols yesterday for COVID, but failed to address the facility’s rampant black mold problem despite dozens of complaints about it in their suggestion box, agitated yet slightly light-headed sources confirmed.

“Evidently, my recent chest pains and difficulty breathing episodes aren’t due to COVID — they’re the result of inhaling these wickedly pungent black mold aromas during practice over the last two years,” said Heather Docker, rehearsal space regular and bassist for the synthpop band Interplanetary Courtship Ritual. “Worse yet, this black mold seems to be some sort of living, breathing organism that’s only getting stronger by the day. I’ve actually seen it shift in real time and feed on several insects like some sort of ‘Tales From the Crypt’ creature. I try to stay six feet away from that monstrous fungi for my own safety.”

Practice studio management addressed the new protocols.

“We basically just copied and pasted the COVID guidelines from the CDC website, but we’ve been painting over the black mold thing for years, so we’re out of ideas on how to resolve that one,” said Jason Hawlister, co-proprietor of the practice space rentals. “I did wipe down the black gunk with a generous amount of hand sanitizer just this morning, so it should be fine. In the meantime, I tell bands to wear a mask so they don’t spread COVID, and more importantly, avoid breathing in the hazardous mold infesting this building. And of course, to remember that we are contractually not responsible for any medical incidents or side effects as a result of working within our studios. I’m thinking by this time next year this whole COVID thing will be behind us and the black mold will hopefully just sort of go away on its own, like the carbon monoxide probably did.”

Experts stressed the importance of implementing safety procedures.

“Could you imagine if we had competent government leadership handling this pandemic?” said health expert Jeanine Hortovine. “Sure, we’d still walk around maskless demanding our rights not be infringed upon while huddled indoors during brunch, but only out of spite. Regardless, you still need a plan; just don’t expect anyone to follow it. That’s the American way. And definitely don’t expect leadership to intelligently handle two complex problems at once. Nuh-uh.”

The practice studios have reported no COVID cases, but did shut down for roughly an hour today after several individuals were exposed to asbestos falling through the ceiling cracks.