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Opinion: Any Dog Is a Therapy Dog if You Steal Its Anxiety Medication

Some people say a dog is a man’s best friend, but with a little maneuvering and a stolen prescription pad, a dog can also be a man’s best drug dealer.

Therapy dogs and emotional support animals are one of America’s fastest-growing trends, but they’re also one of America’s fastest-growing scams. Experts boast that interactions with trained animals can lower blood pressure, release endorphins and decrease anxiety, but so can two diazepams and a bottle of fortified wine, and at a fraction of the cost.

Getting your pet the right certifications can cost hundreds of dollars and countless hours of training, and for what? So that your dog can bring your slippers to the foot of the bed, or sniff out a peanut allergy? Thanks, but I can carry my own slippers to the foot of my partially deflated air mattress. In the interest of saving time and money, I recommend cutting out the middleman and going straight to the source by stealing your animal’s prescribed anxiety medication.

Although it’s possible to transform any dog into a therapy dog by stealing its medication, some dogs are more ideal candidates than others. The bigger the dog, the higher the milligram you’ll get, so stay away from any breed smaller than a watermelon. This means no Pomeranians, no Dachshunds, and absolutely no Bichon Frise’s.

A Bernese Mountain dog with separation anxiety is ideal, but if time is of the essence a standard Golden Retriever with an aversion to fireworks also works.

Naysayers will say it’s unethical. They’ll lecture you about America’s opioid epidemic and tell you that prescription pills are merely a band-aid solution to a larger mental health crisis, which is precisely my argument for keeping these drugs away from our beloved pets. Despite what my critics think, I don’t steal my dog’s drugs because I don’t care about her. I steal them because I care too much and because the street value for trazodone recently doubled.

If falling asleep night after night high on dog Xanax with a lit cigarette in my hand is the price I have to pay to keep my dog safe and off hard drugs, so be it.