Oh No: They Removed Donald Trump From Home Alone 2 But Accidentally Replaced Him With Pol Pot

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Alright so we have some very good news and some very bad news. Let’s just… let’s start with the good news. 

Obviously, millions of Americans came together to vote Donald Trump out of the White House, defeating racism once and for all, but that wasn’t the only place where we were able to push out the evils of his fascist ideals. Some incredibly crafty video editor (whose name we’re not sure of) was able to FINALLY fix the iconic film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York so that Trump does not appear in his scene anymore. What an absolute KING (or Queen or whatever they go by — again, we didn’t really have time to look up who did the video, we just ripped it from Reddit). As content creators, we love watching Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and now we can finally enjoy it without having to witness that cruel reminder to the  time that our country was shrouded in darkness. 

OK, so… on to the bad news.

Unfortunately, there seems to have been some mixup with After Effects or something because… listen, there’s no easy way to say this… somehow in the scene where Donald Trump speaks Macalay Culkin’s character Kevin to direct him to the lobby of the Plaza Hotel… Donald Trump has been replaced with former ruthless Cambodian dictator Pol Pot. 

Now as a pop culture news website, we felt it necessary to try to assess whether this was a positive, negative, or neutral change to the film. On one hand, Pol Pot led over one of the most brutal crimes against humanity in our planet’s history. According to historians, upwards of 1.8 million people died as a result of his totalitarian rule. On the other hand, you know, Trump was pretty crappy! I think we can all agree there… Hell, Pol Pot is even a POC, so you know…

You know what, actually, this is a really bad idea. I think we’re just gonna end the article here. The movie (sorry, but again, if anyone knows who made this thing, please feel free to tweet at us or something and we’ll do our best to credit the editor one day down the line or something — maybe in a correction in a few months) is available on YouTube to watch for free and you’re more than welcome to draw your own conclusions. 

Hopefully one day we can get the version of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York that we all deserve: the one where Donald Trump is replaced with Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda.

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Nice! This Depression Drug’s Side Effect List Has a Couple Fun Ones

Posted on by Ryan Harnedy

Dude, sick! Local reports are coming in that this bro Darren Serling got diagnosed with depression, which is super bogus, but get this! Our fact-checker dudes are confirming with our source brahs that, while it does not mitigate the seriousness of his diagnosis, it’s pretty sick that some of his drug’s side-effects are the fun ones.

Serling confirmed via Instagram, leaving the following captioned on a shirtless mirror selfie, “Obv, I’m not stoked about the potential anal leakage, though it is an awesome band name and I call dibs. But dizziness, loss of equilibrium, and disorientation? That ain’t nothin’ but a day at Six Flags, baby! I consider it my own personal rollercoaster paid for by Aetna.”

Damn dude, that rules. We’re so bummed we don’t have that.

He added the following in a comment to the original post, “My girlfriend has been making some noise about wanting us to binge all of Downton Abbey so that drowsiness might come in handy! But I kid, I’m sure it’s a great show.”

Serling continued to comment throughout the night. “Dude these things gave me insomnia AND erectile dysfunction. Who needs Adderall when you’re already up all night with no boners?! I should take up guitar. Hell, I should start a band! It’ll probably fail though. Like everything else. Where are those pills?”

At press time, Mr. Serling’s posts were focused on how nausea and butterflies in your stomach are pretty much the same so it’s basically like being in love so it counts as a good one.

Woman Sued for Breaching D.A.R.E. Contract She Signed When She Was Nine

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

NEW YORK — Local woman and D.A.R.E. graduate Claudia Dominic is being sued by the legal team representing the Drug Abuse Resistance Education program today following accusations that the defendant has said “yes” to drugs.

“We feel secure in our lawsuit. She voluntarily took the class, and she signed the contract — we have all the proof in green, sparkly gel pen ink,” said prosecuting lawyer on behalf of D.A.R.E. Moira Briggs. “We thought she was too smart to start, but she didn’t say ‘nope’ and now she is, unfortunately, a dope. We had no choice but to pursue legal action.”

A particularly damning photo shows Dominic toasting a friend with the caption “Birthday Bitch,” just one exhibit of evidence in the case.

“Claudia was a pleasure to have in class. After D.A.R.E., she said, ‘You can count on me to be drug-free.’ Then I see a video of her 20 years later… and you can’t tell what she’s smoking, but no one holds a cigarette like that,” said her former fourth-grade teacher Mrs. Marvin. “18 of her classmates were witnesses the day she signed that contract, and other than that no-good Ryan Chang, I’d bet they’re all willing to testify.”

Despite the overwhelming evidence against her, Dominic is confident she will not face repercussions.

“I was nine when I signed that contract. I couldn’t even keep my Tamagotchi alive. Plus, that D.A.R.E. officer failed to mention that drugs are fun. He grossly misrepresented the effects of drugs,” said the defendant. “Yes, I did a line of coke off the bathroom sink at a Coldplay concert in 2004, and you know what? My brain didn’t sizzle like a sunny-side-up egg. There are way more things that I regret about that night, but drugs aren’t one of them. If I’d known drugs felt so good, I would’ve never signed that contract. They have a case built on nothing. This is ridiculous.”

The lawsuit includes a demand that all D.A.R.E. swag be returned — with a D.A.R.E. T-shirt, sweatband, pencil, bumper sticker, and skateboard keychain among the items listed — all of which Dominic claimed “…are probably still in my mom’s garage, honestly.”

Poser Report: Okay, but What if You Found a Way To Fight the Law Where You Can Both Win?

Posted on by Theo Konstantino

Hey friendo! I know it’s a bit awk between the police and the public rn, but I have an idea. Umm, what if both sides won??? People like you keep trying (and failing!!) to fight the system, but why can’t we come to a compromise? Instead of viewing this as a situation with “winners” and “gamers” (I don’t like the term “losers”), let’s work together and create a brighter future for all!

There are always two sides to every story. And we’ve all heard your side about how the laws and systems in place cause a direct, observable divide in the quality of life and rights of blah blah blah. But have you considered that the people carrying out inhumane orders on behalf of an unseen authority that views them as mildly helpful insects usually have a ton of paperwork?

For every person who committed a misdemeanor and promptly died in police custody, there is an overworked officer who has a mountain of paperwork in front of him. He’ll spend the rest of the night putting blood-covered pen to blood-covered paper. We all have a price to pay for our actions. Nothing in this world comes free.

Now that we have some much-needed perspective, we can begin to come to a compromise. Perhaps instead of taking to the streets in response to the ever-rising death toll among unarmed citizens, maybe you bake some cookies! Or fly a kite. You should definitely go fly a kite. See? These are positive places we can put our negative emotions.

How about everybody just admit what they did wrong? If the police can admit that they were wrong to… do what they did, can you at least admit you were wrong to be mad at them for doing it? Well, now you’re just being impossible. There’s no winning with you libs!

Punk House Cat Bringing Home Dead Bird Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Household

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Punk house staple and eight-year-old tabby cat Fat Vince Neil became the highest contributing member of his household last night by bringing home a dead bird, impressed sources confirm.

“Oh man, that cat rules. I can’t remember the last time anyone brought something home to contribute, let alone something edible,” said John Baker, longtime resident of the Shit House. “Plus, he always covers up his own poop, and just last week he ate his own puke, which is maybe the first time I’ve seen anyone here clean up after themselves. We just might get a little bit of our security deposit back thanks to him. Long live Fat Vince Neil!”

The dead bird is the latest in a long line of contributions from the furry tenant, who has quickly established himself as the most popular roommate in the house.

“Everyone loves that little guy,” said Shit House resident and unofficial guardian of the feline, Dani Song. “He bathes himself every day and almost never pisses in the sink. At least little Fat Vince Neil brings something to the table. And yeah, that something is usually a dead critter, but it’s the thought that counts. That dude Pickle from Bloomington has lived here for months and the only thing he’s ever contributed is bed bugs.”

Animal experts say cats can often surprise their owners with their resilience and reliability.

“Cats can do a lot, from improving morale to keeping rodents and pests under control,” confirmed feline expert Amanda Williams. “Plus, they have cute little bellies that you can rub and little tiny ears you can scratch, which is way more gratifying and emotionally healthy than the majority of time spent with straight human men. Sure, he doesn’t pay any rent, but which of your dumbshit friends can you count on to do so on a regular basis? If I had to guess, I’d say that everyone living with Fat Vince Neil could learn a thing or two about consideration from the little guy.”

Reports show Fat Vince Neil even went one step further last night, calling an Uber for the stray cat he invited to hang out under the dead bush in the backyard.

Deluxe Edition of Board Game Includes Four Friends Willing to Play and Not Bitch the Whole Time

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ALTOS, Calif. — Astral Plane Games, publisher of the popular worker placement board game Solis Occasum, has released a deluxe edition of the game that contains a handful of prepackaged friends that will not only play the game with you, but who will also agree not to bitch the entire time like some people you know.

“While the mechanics of Solis Occasum remain the same, what we say that was missing from the first edition were people that would be ok sitting through an hour of instructions followed by three hours of confusing, tedious gameplay,” Game Designer Glen Bowman said. “It is not only something our fans asked for, but also something I realized was needed in my own life. It really enhances the game when the people you are playing with aren’t complaining about confusing rules or having to do math.”

While this deluxe edition has been mostly well received, some board game purists see this as cheating.

“Part of the fun of board games is tricking people to come over to your house and then telling them a game isn’t complicated,” board game enthusiast Alison Harrison said. “Providing other players and not having them lose their temper when they can’t grasp the game is all part of the experience. This is just a cash grab by Astral Plane to get non-gamers to buy the game. Solis Occasum isn’t even all that complicated once you grasp the concept of Paleomagnetism.”

Jeffrey Horton, one of the friends included in the pack, explained what he had to do to prepare to become a board gamer fanatic’s friend.

“We went through CIA torture training in order to prepare ourselves for playing these types of games and not break,” Horton said from the furnished basement of his new friend. “Then we were subjected to games like Advanced Squad Leader, Magic Realm, and Campaign for North Africa to prepare ourselves. Solis Occasum should be a cakewalk compared to what I’ve been through.”

Astra Plane has also announced a party game version of Solis Occasum that can be used to trick friends and family into playing the full version of the game.

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Pro-Trump Mob Builds Brand New Police Station

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — A sea of Trump supporters with the goal of stopping Joe Biden’s inauguration created chaos by building a fully functional police station just outside the National Mall, shocked sources confirmed.

“We knew we needed to be on high alert because a very angry mob had started to form in the early morning hours swinging the ‘Thin Blue Line’ flag and chanting pro-police state slogans,” said National Guard member Sgt. Eli Omara. “As soon as they brought in pickup trucks full of lumber and bags of cement we knew there was going to be trouble. Within two hours they already had the structure built and fully equipped with electricity. Judging by the floor plan and the overall layout of the design, I do believe a lot of off-duty law enforcement officials were on the build team giving their input. When they finished installing the jail cell bars they all erupted in cheers and I have to admit, in that moment I was rattled.”

One of the protesters who was seen installing gutters on the new building says they will continue to build more police stations until their voices are heard.

“This is just the beginning. We aren’t going to stop until there is a new police station outside of every State House in the country, and if we don’t get what we want we will start building maximum security prisons,” said MAGA enthusiast Clive Trickle. “Every cop here should be thanking us because the high-speed internet we had installed in that bad boy is some of the best in the country, and the breakroom is fully stocked with treats from a local bakery. But on another level, they need to get the fuck out of our way before Biden puts his hand on that Bible or we will murder every cop here.”

Residents of the community with the state of the art police station expressed concern about the future of the neighborhood.

“Police stations are known to attract some of the most unsavory characters in society. Power-hungry racists flock to these buildings in droves, and I don’t want to have to look at this on my way to work every day,” said concerned citizen Desiree O’Keefe. “I don’t like the direction the country is going. It scares me to think that a group of zealots could just start building precincts anywhere they want and then brag about it on Facebook. It makes me sick.”

At press time, National Guard troops were able to disperse the angry crowd by firing high powered T-shirt cannons full of Trump memorabilia and Outback Steakhouse gift cards at protesters.

Punk Celebrates Third Day of Sobriety With a Beer

Posted on by Kevin Tit

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local punk and notable party animal Hilary Jones celebrated her third consecutive day of sobriety yesterday with an ice cold beer, concerned family members confirm.

“It’s been a really tough half of a week, and I deserve to treat myself,” said the 38-year-old restaurant manager. “My doctor put me on medication after diagnosing me with stage 2 hypertension — that was a real wake up call for me to stop drinking 40s for breakfast and get my shit together. I’ve begun taking daily jogs with the morning cigarette to improve my cardio, and changed my diet from three meatball subs a day to only two, plus a club sandwich with lettuce. Staying sober was by far the hardest part of it all, and I owe a lot of what I’ve accomplished to the support of my family and friends. But most of all, I’m just glad it’s over.”

Friends closest to Jones admit they didn’t have much faith in her commitment to the lifestyle change and are pleasantly surprised with her progress.

“Last time she went a day without a drink was when she was put under an induced coma for a week after some pretty severe alcohol poisoning,” explained close friend and fellow punk Matthew Dobbins. “It took a lot of planning to figure out how we were going to change her diet from 7-Eleven taquitos to fruits and vegetables — she had to smoke about an ounce of weed before the stuff looked remotely appetizing. After that breakthrough, we snorted some Adderall to get pumped up for developing any type of cardio routine. It’s really amazing what you can do when you put your mind to things.”

While those close to Jones celebrate these recent accomplishments, her doctor grew more concerned with her health.

“Ms. Jones’ blood pressure levels are worse than ever. I don’t know who told her taking Adderall was a good idea, but she’s managed to take a year off her life in less than a week,” said Dr. Adam Funari. “She needs to quit drinking altogether. No smoking. No 7-Eleven taquitos, and I don’t care and made the effort to switch from a full 12-pack of Mountain Dew a day to a single six-pack of low calorie Diet Mountain Dew like she keeps saying. She has to stop it all.”

Jones and Dobbins were last seen concocting a smoothie containing vitamin gummies, caffeine pills, Jolt cola, and a single banana.

I Didn’t Choose Bass. Bass Chose Me. Because My Two Friends Chose Guitar

Posted on by Tom Peters

I’ve always wondered what unseen forces dictate the shape and direction of a life. Are we in control of our destiny? Now, I’m no philosophy major. I didn’t waste my time in college. I majored in dance. And I can say for sure that my path as a bassist was chosen for me, handed down by the universe, in the form of a band that didn’t need any more guitarists. I didn’t choose bass, it chose me. My two friends picked guitar already.

At first, I thought the universe desired more of a third guitarist, and I told my friends that a bunch, but they said that wasn’t really a thing. So I told them the universe doesn’t think we should toe the line and conform to mainstream bullshit standards of band configuration. That’s when they suggested me and the universe start our own band. They also suggested we do some more graphic stuff together but I got the point and picked up that four-stringed hunk of low-end and immediately felt at peace.

I had found my true calling. I spent the next week learning all my favorite songs. I even wrote this really cool riff where you start at the third dot and just move your finger down one square at a time. It’s hard to describe but trust me it rips.

Sometimes I can’t even believe it’s really me up there on stage. Or just off it, depending how much room there is. To tell you the truth, I still feel like an impostor. But at the end of the night, after I’ve loaded out everyone’s gear, I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be. And as long as I don’t quit or my car doesn’t break down, I know I’m going to be here for a long, long time.

In retrospect, I should’ve called drums.

Pizzeria That Accidentally Spilled Bud Light on Pizza Just Calling It “Florida Style”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

RALEIGH, N.C. — Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria unveiled a new “Florida-style” pizza yesterday after an employee accidentally spilled a lukewarm Bud Light on a BBQ chicken pie, according to several horrified sources.

“Our ‘Florida-style’ pizza gives customers a mouthwatering taste of the Sunshine State!” bragged Sal Golino, owner of Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria. “Ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Some dumbass teen was drinking on the job and he dropped his beer onto some poor schmuck’s pie. Believe it or not, now we’ve got people coming in here begging for more. We ran out of Bud Light yesterday, but it turns out all you need to brew it yourself is some expired Mountain Dew and a bottle of baby aspirin.”

Customers were lined up around the block for a slice of Uncle Sal’s new creation, many of them former Floridians.

“This pizza is absolutely delicious!” customer Roddy Duggan exclaimed through a mouthful of BBQ chicken, cheese, and room-temperature Bud Light. “I grew up in Orlando and this slice really brings me back. People think you can’t get good pizza in Florida, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Uncle Sal knows that Southeastern pizza should be tangy, fizzy, sticky, and, most of all, absolutely sopping wet. Just like grandma used to make!”

Foodie culture has increased the recognition of different regional cuisines, particularly when it comes to pizza.

“For years, people thought New York was the only place in the U.S. with good pizza,” explained food blogger Willa Thompson. “However, unique pizza styles from Chicago, Detroit, and California have all become very popular in recent years. But Bud Light poured onto pizza? That’s just wrong. And what’s with the presentation? Mine was served all mashed up in a red Solo cup and came with one of those glowstick necklaces, for fuck’s sake. We need to take a stand against this shit. Also, I’ve had like 11 of them and I’m barely even drunk.”

Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria is also offering a new “Florida-style” stuffed crust option after a mishap involving pizza dough and an entire carton of Marlboro Reds.