RALEIGH, N.C. — Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria unveiled a new “Florida-style” pizza yesterday after an employee accidentally spilled a lukewarm Bud Light on a BBQ chicken pie, according to several horrified sources.
“Our ‘Florida-style’ pizza gives customers a mouthwatering taste of the Sunshine State!” bragged Sal Golino, owner of Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria. “Ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Some dumbass teen was drinking on the job and he dropped his beer onto some poor schmuck’s pie. Believe it or not, now we’ve got people coming in here begging for more. We ran out of Bud Light yesterday, but it turns out all you need to brew it yourself is some expired Mountain Dew and a bottle of baby aspirin.”
Customers were lined up around the block for a slice of Uncle Sal’s new creation, many of them former Floridians.
“This pizza is absolutely delicious!” customer Roddy Duggan exclaimed through a mouthful of BBQ chicken, cheese, and room-temperature Bud Light. “I grew up in Orlando and this slice really brings me back. People think you can’t get good pizza in Florida, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Uncle Sal knows that Southeastern pizza should be tangy, fizzy, sticky, and, most of all, absolutely sopping wet. Just like grandma used to make!”
Foodie culture has increased the recognition of different regional cuisines, particularly when it comes to pizza.
“For years, people thought New York was the only place in the U.S. with good pizza,” explained food blogger Willa Thompson. “However, unique pizza styles from Chicago, Detroit, and California have all become very popular in recent years. But Bud Light poured onto pizza? That’s just wrong. And what’s with the presentation? Mine was served all mashed up in a red Solo cup and came with one of those glowstick necklaces, for fuck’s sake. We need to take a stand against this shit. Also, I’ve had like 11 of them and I’m barely even drunk.”
Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria is also offering a new “Florida-style” stuffed crust option after a mishap involving pizza dough and an entire carton of Marlboro Reds.