TEMPE, Ariz. — Local punk and notable party animal Hilary Jones celebrated her third consecutive day of sobriety yesterday with an ice cold beer, concerned family members confirm.
“It’s been a really tough half of a week, and I deserve to treat myself,” said the 38-year-old restaurant manager. “My doctor put me on medication after diagnosing me with stage 2 hypertension — that was a real wake up call for me to stop drinking 40s for breakfast and get my shit together. I’ve begun taking daily jogs with the morning cigarette to improve my cardio, and changed my diet from three meatball subs a day to only two, plus a club sandwich with lettuce. Staying sober was by far the hardest part of it all, and I owe a lot of what I’ve accomplished to the support of my family and friends. But most of all, I’m just glad it’s over.”
Friends closest to Jones admit they didn’t have much faith in her commitment to the lifestyle change and are pleasantly surprised with her progress.
“Last time she went a day without a drink was when she was put under an induced coma for a week after some pretty severe alcohol poisoning,” explained close friend and fellow punk Matthew Dobbins. “It took a lot of planning to figure out how we were going to change her diet from 7-Eleven taquitos to fruits and vegetables — she had to smoke about an ounce of weed before the stuff looked remotely appetizing. After that breakthrough, we snorted some Adderall to get pumped up for developing any type of cardio routine. It’s really amazing what you can do when you put your mind to things.”
While those close to Jones celebrate these recent accomplishments, her doctor grew more concerned with her health.
“Ms. Jones’ blood pressure levels are worse than ever. I don’t know who told her taking Adderall was a good idea, but she’s managed to take a year off her life in less than a week,” said Dr. Adam Funari. “She needs to quit drinking altogether. No smoking. No 7-Eleven taquitos, and I don’t care and made the effort to switch from a full 12-pack of Mountain Dew a day to a single six-pack of low calorie Diet Mountain Dew like she keeps saying. She has to stop it all.”
Jones and Dobbins were last seen concocting a smoothie containing vitamin gummies, caffeine pills, Jolt cola, and a single banana.