Press "Enter" to skip to content

Band’s Bassist of Six Years Getting Closer & Closer to Being Added to Group Chat

CROTON-ON-HUDSON, N.Y. — Robby Danter, bassist and devoted member of local band The Tennis Court Oath for the past six years and counting, is optimistic he’s getting closer and closer to being added to the band’s group text chat.

“We’re not just a band — these guys are my best friends. They’re closer to me than family,” noted Danter, who has picked up each of the band member’s loved ones from the airport at least once. “I know with each passing day, I’m getting closer to getting my name in that chat — and not just with my number or something like ‘Rubby – Bass Player’ as the contact. It’s gonna be just my first name, and spelled correctly, like friends do. I’m going to be ready with some hilarious gifs and Youtube links that will knock their dicks in the dirt.”

Danter foolishly believed he’d be added to the chat when he first joined the band, but his bandmates quickly let him know that admission was not something they took lightly.

“His bass lines are crisp, and he’s a ton of fun on stage, but this guy is a bass player. If anyone found out we had a bassist in the group chat we’d be the laughingstock of the scene,” stated the band’s lead singer Brendan Jurcturbz, who kept getting distracted due to all the killer memes in the chat. “And the group chat is pretty stacked as is. We have the three other band members, our roadie, at least two Uber Eats drivers that were particularly good at delivering our food warm, and then like, seven other random people whose numbers I don’t have saved in my phone. I’m not exactly sure where Robby fits in.”

The band’s devoted fanbase — which includes about two dozen students at an upstate SUNY college and absolutely nobody else — were surprisingly tuned in to the ongoing will-they/won’t-they.

“They just have such great chemistry. I’m sure one day they’ll take that tangible, deep connection and translate it to a cell phone medium,” said fan Garrett Leslie, who has been in the band’s group chat for eight months. “Robby’s really missing out. Like, last week, the drummer and I were doing this bit where… ah actually, nevermind. Uh, you had to be there,” he added after noting Danter peeking from behind a curtain.

Danter managed to successfully infiltrate the group chat by adding himself under the name “Cool Sound Guy From Philly.” However, his ruse quickly ended after realizing he had only joined the decoy group the band created for extra security.