The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

US Treasury Releases 15 More 1/8″ to 1/4″ Adaptors Into Circulation

Posted on January 16, 2022 by Peter Woods

WASHINGTON — The United States Treasury announced they will introduce another round of ⅛” to ¼” adaptors into public circulation for the first time in nearly twenty years, the decision comes after weeks of public pressure from congress and the president to provide these resources.

“Releasing these small but important and highly valuable pieces of gear into circulation is not an action we take lightly,” said US Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen while promptly dropping one of the adapters and losing it under a couch. “But the fact remains that millions of musicians, hard-working American musicians, are in need and the U.S. Government needs to take drastic measures to help alleviate their suffering. Yet we recognize that any increase in available adapters will decrease their value. Therefore we will only release a conservative total of 15 adaptors, thus raising the total amount of publicly available adaptors to 47.”

Struggling musicians from across the country celebrated the announcement and expressed their sense of relief.

“We really, really needed this,” said guitarist and producer Norman Riggs. “This pandemic hasn’t stopped me from working on new beats, but I haven’t been able to hear a single thing I’ve worked on for ages. My recording interface only has a quarter inch jack and this dude ran off with my adaptor two years ago, so I’ve just been lining things up based on waveforms and hoping for the best. I’m just stoked to hear my last four albums for the first time.”

Still, some working musicians felt disappointed and even angered by the decision.

“What are people like me who have invested serious money into these adaptors supposed to do?” asked self-proclaimed musical entrepreneur and content creator Joel Leonard. “I spent years building my portfolio of adaptors to where it is now: three adaptors, ready to go. The treasury just decided to completely torpedo that investment. I’m pretty sure promoters will stop adding me to bills just because they know I’m the only one in town with enough adaptors to share.”

“Guess I’ll just have to focus my energy on the practice space I run,” added Leonard.

Although the treasury does have intentions to circulate more adaptors, Yellen announced they had no intention of increasing the number of publicly available tuners or drummers anytime soon.

10 Cartoon Easter Eggs You Won’t Believe

Posted on January 15, 2022December 10, 2025 by Nathan Kamal

Animators like their fun, don’t they? Since the advent of cartoons, creators have been inserting sly little references, and only the sharpest fans catch them. Here’s some of the wildest cartoon easter eggs you won’t believe!

Uncle Scrooge’s Vault is Full of Gold from Aztec Genocide

Scrooge McDuck is one rich duck! But did you know that according to legendary artist Carl Barks, Scrooge’s Money Bin is full of gold plundered from the Aztec people by the monster Hernán Cortés and is thus forever tainted with the blood and terror of a massacred people? Not easy to spot!

Scar’s Dark Hair Marks Him as a Descendant of Cain

“The Lion King’s” Scar is one of the Disney Renaissance’s most distinctive, flamboyant villains, but only real fans can tell that his iconic dark mane is an indication that this murderous lion is a direct descendant of Cain, the original murderer of Genesis 4:1-18. Makes him killing his own brother the more ironic, huh?

Scooby-Doo Can Fucking Talk

Most people can’t even tell, but if you listen to Hanna-Barbera’s iconic pooch, he’s clearly fucking talking. That’s wild. He’s a dog, dogs can’t talk.

The Good Dinosaur DVDs

If you check out Pixar’s catalogue of DVDs, you’ll see they carry a copy of something called “The Good Dinosaur,” which is something of a real-life easter egg to the fictional movie of the same title! No such movie exists.

Robin Hood Re-Uses Animation from The Jungle Book, Hinting at a World in Which Disney is Lazy as Fuck

If you watch Disney’s “Robin Hood” (1973) and “The Jungle Book” (1967), you can pick up key little movements and references to a world in which the guys working on these cartoons were real lazy pieces of shit who couldn’t be bothered to do their jobs. First shared universe, maybe?

TMNT Always Portrays Splinter as Sick and Old

Throughout the extended media of the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” franchise, their mentor Splinter is always depicted as being old and sick. This is a subtle, decades-long reference to the fact that age destroys all things and one day we will all be as hobbled and ill as the wise rat. Time makes fools of us all!

The Ren & Stimpy Show

Every easter egg added to the show by creator John Kricfalus is disgusting beyond belief and we refuse to discuss them.

Avatar: The Last Airbender Includes Sly References to the Ancient Tradition of Warfare

Acclaimed Nickelodeon show “Avatar: The Last Airbender” was a three season tale of friendship and magic, but what most don’t realize is that creators Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko inserted numerous references to what was once known as “war.” According to legend, this “war” was a fearsome thing that made many hurt and was beyond what wise men could explain. Wow!

In Life, The Skeletons in That Old Cartoon Were All Hung

The very first “Silly Symphony,” Walt Disney and Ub Iwerk’s 1929 short portrayed four skeletons in a spooky dans macabre. But if those skeletons’ hip structure and confident strut are any indication, when those dudes were alive, they were packing serious heat. The very first Disney easter egg!

Pixar’s Pizza Planet Indicates That None of the Movies Happen in a Universe Where You Exist

Over the years, Pixar has filled their films with hints of a shared world for “Toy Story,” “Ratatouille,” “Monsters Inc.” and the rest, most prominently the Pizza Planet delivery truck. But this truck does not exist in your world, which means you are in a world devoid of magic and friendship. Your world is cold and empty.

Wow!

Friends Worried After Andrew Rea Announces New Show “Purging With Babish”

Posted on January 15, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Close friends of YouTuber and chef Andrew Rea, of “Binging with Babish” fame, recently expressed their apprehension after the announcement of his new web series, reportedly titled “Purging with Babish.”

“To be totally honest, Andrew has been acting weird ever since he got caught up in ‘eating disorder TikTok,’” said friend Brent Petty. “I used to think his whole ‘clean plate award’ thing was just a bit for the show, but now I’m worried that he was literally binging this whole time. He’s a big dude, so I just assumed he genuinely needed to eat that much. I hope he didn’t spend hours on all those deeply complicated and meticulous recreations of fictional food just to boot them down the toilet.”

Members of Rea’s comments section and other content creators suggested that this may in fact be an elaborate scheme to up his plateauing subscriber count.

“I kind of respect it, in a way,” said Twitch streamer Ludwig Ahgren. “We’re always chasing the algorithm, trying to retain engagement and all that, and you wind up just doing more and more drastic stunts. I’ve done plenty of shit that directly causes me bodily harm for the sake of views. Hell, I’d legit cut off my own nipples on air if it got the hype train going. But look at me now. I’m richer than 99.9% of my chat will ever be.”

He paused briefly before adding “It is kinda fucked up, though. If this actually goes live, he’ll get canceled for sure.”

When approached for an in-person interview, Rea himself went out of his way to allay their fears.

“I appreciate the concern of my inner circle, but they are vastly exaggerating,” he said in his trademark baritone. “I do not have an eating disorder. I’m simply taking control of my health using intermittent fasting, aggressive calorie-stacking, and a variety of other techniques,” he continued, sipping what appeared to be lemon juice and cayenne pepper from a Nalgene bottle. “Is it so wrong to want to share my new lifestyle with my community?”

Rea hurriedly power-walked to the restroom mid-interview, and declined to comment further upon his return, citing vocal hoarseness.

Place off Ocean Avenue Now Whole Foods

Posted on January 15, 2022 by Nuutti Sihvonen

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Sales representative and aging pop-punk Dave Castello was appalled to discover that a frequently visited corner lot in his hometown was converted into a Whole Foods, unsympathetic cashiers confirmed.

“I’m visiting my parents and my mom was totally getting on my case, so I went out for a walk,” a fuming Castello explained. “Picture my surprise when I discovered that this piece of local history had been wiped out by Corporate America. Man, we used to have the time of our lives here, sitting and talking and stuff. Right here by the frozen yogurt aisle is where I threw up after shotgunning my first Four Loko. Where are the kids supposed to have these formative experiences now?”

Rachel Allen, who ashamedly admitted to having dated Castello for a few weeks in junior year, found his emotional response off-kilter.

“I really don’t get it. When we were kids, all Dave used to talk about was how much he hated this town and wanted to leave and ‘run forever.’ You’d think with all that hatred in his heart he couldn’t care less, but he’s treating this place like it was CBGB or some shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into paying fifty dollars for vitamin gummies either, but from what I remember, all we really used to do there was kick around empty beer cans and listen to him talk about how his band was totally going to make it.”

Adnan Seri, a professor who studies gentrification at Brown University, explained that changes in familiar environments can have an emotional effect on people.

“Our hometowns symbolize a certain stability for us, and it’s perfectly normal for any changes in the scenery to trigger anxiety. Unfortunately, cities have to evolve to meet new economic demands,” Seri explained. “I’m sure local kids can find a new place to carve apple bongs and practice kickflips, but there’s only so many places where you can buy overpriced vegetables while listening to an acoustic rendition of ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.’”

At press time, Castello was seen turning the corner off Cherry Street, incoherently babbling about how there must be a way for things to get better.

We Ranked the Movies of Kevin Smith by How Much We’ve Grown Up

Posted on January 15, 2022 by Dan Rice

If you’re anything like us, you grew up believing that the early films of Kevin Smith were the absolute height of comedy. You probably can’t count the number of times you’ve quoted “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” at work or “Tell em Steve Dave” for no particular reason.

Those first 5 or so films probably hold a special place in your heart to this day, because you have deliberately avoided revisiting them as a grown adult. Stay gold pony people! We went ahead and fell on that grenade for you.

We spent the weekend ruining cherished memories by watching “Clerks’ ‘ through “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” with 30 year old 2022 eyes and ranked them by how much we’ve matured in the last two decades.

5. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
The movie we’ve most outgrown, this thing is a disaster through and through. But hey, part of us kind of knew that when it came out. Maybe we just told ourselves we liked it. Maybe the rest of this won’t be so bad.

4. Mallrats
Okay here’s where it starts to hurt because we for sure loved the shit out of Mallrats, but watching it now it’s, well, Mallrats.

Kevin Smith uses the character Brodie here as a stand in for his own voice. Unfortunately, he does the same thing with every other character in the movie, including a 15 year old sex worker who is played for laughs. Wall to wall yikes.

3. Clerks
I swear to god sucking dicks used to be funnier. Like, it legit was. What happened? Jesus, I think I recommend this movie to my cousin like a year ago? It just came out of my mouth. I told him it was “sardonic,” why would I say that?

2. Chasing Amy
This is a pretty solid attempt at mature, inclusive and interesting subject matter for a 1997 comedy, but with a pretty heavy emphasis on the words “attempt” and “1997 comedy.”

1. Dogma
Dogma actually holds up. No you know what, all this shit holds up, fuck it! Fuck getting old, fuck pretending to grow up, and fuck you! Morris Day and the Motheruckin Time bitch! I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER! Snootchies.

Punk Gets Noticeably Choked Up Telling Story of the Time He Met Henry Rollins at GNC

Posted on January 15, 2022 by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES -— Local punk Martin McGinnis became wistful and teary-eyed while reminiscing about the time he met punk legend Henry Rollins at a GNC supplement outlet nearly four years ago, confirmed sources who are already intimately familiar with the story.

“The crazy thing is that this was my first time in a GNC. I had just been embarrassed by a push-up challenge on Instagram and I wanted to try to bulk up with creatine. Then just outta nowhere there was Rollins, in the flesh, totally blocking the energy bar aisle,” recalled McGinnis who insisted that he just had something in his eye. “It’s kinda crazy to think back on – so surreal. I mean the guy’s a legend but you always kinda forget how he still needs to buy fiber supplements and echinacea the same as anybody else. I told him I loved Black Flag and he nodded at me and immediately left the store, such a cool guy.”

Assistant manager Kelly Goddard says McGinnis returns on the same day every year hoping to run into Rollins again.

“It’s kind of sad at this point. As a general rule I try not to pay attention to the customers even if they’re talking to me directly. But it’s tough to ignore the guy that comes in and tells everyone who will listen about Henry. I feel bad, Henry is a regular and this happens to him all the time. I usually stay open an extra hour on Thursdays so he can shop without being hounded by these people,” remarked Goddard. “But this one was particularly bad because that guy squealed like my seven-year-old niece when I brought her to see BTS. I was really just glad Henry got out of the store before it got out of control.”

Rollins says that encounters with overemotional fans are quite common.

“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with these people. It’s usually the skinny twerps that come up to me and tell me how much I changed their life. Well, I did a shitty fucking job because these people need to get their shit together,” said Rollins. “They need to stop putting me on a pedestal and they need to take control of their own destiny. And they also need to stop asking me for photos when I’m eating fucking dinner. You really want a picture with me when I have Italian dressing all over my face? Move on.”

McGinnis was last seen openly weeping while recounting the time that Thurston Moore cut him off on the highway.

Photo by Jana Miller

Thanks a Lot 2022: I’m Being Arrested for Getting Drunk and Beating the Fuck Out of Someone at Best Buy

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Dan Rice

Well it looks like time is back on it’s bullshit, and it’s going full beastmode on my ass! Here we all are, just minding our own business totally innocent and shit when all of a sudden 2022 comes along, kills Betty White, invents Omicron, and makes me drunkenly punch that salesman’s lights out for LYING to me about my new TV’s screen mirroring compatibility. What the fuck did we ever do to that number anyway?!

I’m so fucking mad at numbers right now you guys.

It turns out, not only did 2022 make me break that kid’s jaw, but it may have caused me to inflict serious neurological damage on him due to a previous injury he had. That’s how shitty this year has decided to be! If that wasn’t bad enough, now 2022 has got me resisting arrest, pushing and kicking about as these poor cops try to shove me into the back of the car while screaming all kinds of hell!

2022 even had me shouting a few racial slurs at a Latino officer. Seriously 2022, racism? Don’t you know what year it is?!

This isn’t the first time I’ve been totally fucked over by a year either. There was that time 2016 gave me those DUIs. There was that time 2018 took my license away. And then there was that time 2020 got me fired for drinking at work. Man, years are assholes.

The worst part is that there’s nothing any of us can do to make anything different! The year is the year and that does not change. Even if I wanted to not fall off the wagon and physically assault a 20-year-old kid just doing his best, I couldn’t because that’s just what this fucking year DECIDED would fucking happen!

This year be like, “Oh, your plan was to leave Best Buy after you beat the fuck out of that guy but before the cops show up? Well I’m 2022 so, I guess fuck your plan!” I am so upset that this is happening to me!

Oh I know, I’ll just ask actor Sidney Poitier for advice, he’ll know what to do! Oh wait, he’s DEAD, murdered senselessly by 2022 and now I might go to jail because he can’t help me out!

I just wish there was something, or even someone, that I could hold accountable for the situation I find myself in besides a stupid number, but we all know there isn’t. Thanks a lot Time, you flat-circle bullshit motherfucker! I hope 2023 is cooler about shit because if they hit me with attempted manslaughter, which is looking likely, that’s when I get sentenced.

Third Reference to Couple’s Kinky Sex Life Politely Ignored

Posted on January 14, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Multiple references to new couple Darius Mastrogiovanni and Sam Padgett’s disgustingly raunchy sex life were skillfully and politely ignored while out at lunch with friends this afternoon, according to curious sources.

“We know they’re into kinky shit, and honestly who isn’t a little curious to hear about assplay and nipple torture routines,” said longtime friend of Mastrogiovanni, Ryan Pereira, while politely laughing off the first two of six casual remarks about being choked during the outing. “It’s great they’re comfortable to try things with each other, but it can be a bit much sometimes. I’m not sure how or why asking the table if they want to share a plate of nachos seems like the right time for Darius to mention how Sam ‘ate a bigger mess than that this morning,’ but whatever.”

Friends confirmed that the pair’s “subtle” references are anything but, and are frustrated by the attention they’ve been calling to themselves.

“At first it started out innocently enough, spanking innuendo and whatnot, but it’s gotten to the point where we can’t do or say anything without them raising their brows and smiling all weird. We basically can’t sit or stand near each other, or do anything that involves being around liquids of any kind,” mutual friend Kat Abrams said while shifting in her seat. “Like they’re the only people in the world who hog-tie each other and then get all oiled up and then she wants him to slap her feet with his belt until she has to yell out ‘Albuquerque!’ or whatever their safe word is, anyway? Like, get over yourself.”

Padgett claims that, while the couple is comfortable in their sexuality and dynamic, that her friends are overreacting.

“They’re definitely reading into every single thing we do based on a few memes I shared on Instagram,” Padgett explained. “Like, sure, we have kinks, but it’s not like we’re doing Shibari every night with all of our friends or something. That’s only every third Wednesday of the month, and with other consenting couples only. We’re people too, everyone needs to get their minds out of the gutter.”

At press time, the friend group was seen skillfully avoiding using the word “vanilla” to describe which ice cream flavor to go with their apple pie ala mode.

Third Reference to Couple’s Kinky Sex Life Politely Ignored

Posted on January 14, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

Friends confirmed that the pair’s “subtle” references are anything but, and are frustrated by the attention they’ve been calling to themselves.

Padgett claims that, while the couple is comfortable in their sexuality and dynamic, that her friends are overreacting.

At press time, the friend group was seen skillfully avoiding using the word “vanilla” to describe which ice cream flavor to go with their apple pie ala mode.

5 Kinds of Hops That Say “I Know More Than the Person Giving This Brewery Tour”

Posted on January 14, 2022 by James Knapp

There’s no better way to spend an afternoon than touring a microbrewery and sampling it’s offerings, save for one critical oversight: The dude giving the tour ISN’T ME!

Oh look at you mister big-shot tour guide with your fucking clipboard and your work ID. You think you’re better than me, huh? Just ‘cause you got that little cheat-sheet there. Well I bet I can name way more hops than you, nerd.

Vital
Here’s an easy one, and I’ll still bet they didn’t even mention it in your forty-five minutes of training. Hell, I’ll bet you still drink Bud Light like an asshole. What? You think just because you work as a tour guide at a brewery that that gives you the right to tell me about brewing beer?

Galena
A good aromatic hop like this is the essence of any real beer knowledge, and I should know – I’ve been home brewing for over five years and I’ve got a feeling that my next batch is finally gonna be the one that doesn’t taste like malted bear mace that randomly explodes 4-6 days after bottling. Hey, just cause the beer turned out like a dead cat full of copper doesn’t mean I can’t still drink in the sweet, warty flavor of superiority.

Mandarina Bavaria
I know more about IPAs than I know about my own father! Oh does that make you sad? Well it just makes me feel better than you. In fact, I feel so much better that I may need to drink another eight or twelve of these just to keep myself from sobbing uncontrollably about how much better than you I am.

Uhhhhh… Watermelon Kush
Yeah, that’s right. I bet you had no fucking idea this is in the same plant family so, like, it counts. Whatever, I don’t have to put up with your judgement. Weed is decriminalized in this state, I think.

Subject XJ-969 [Strain Omega]
Legally I’m not even cleared to talk about this one. Actually, I’m pretty sure the black helicopters are already on the way to “contain” this entire microbrewery. Know why? Because I know too much, motherfucker! Now get me another lager before the feds blank my memory again.