The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

We Need an Engagement Boost So We’re Gonna Go Ahead and Say Neutral Milk Hotel Is Pop-Punk

Posted on January 18, 2022 by Tom Peters

Neutral Milk Hotel rose to prominence at the dawn of the internet age for their surrealistic lyrics and eclectic instrumentation that defied categorization. But did you know they’re actually a pop-punk band?

That’s right. Most people think of Neutral Milk Hotel as one of indie rock’s most beloved, genre-defining bands, but our corporate higher-ups said we need more engagement on our social media posts, so we’re gonna go ahead and say they’re pop-punk.

Yep, all the defining pop-punk characteristics are there: high, nasal singing; fast, pogoing rhythms; songs about teenage girls. Neutral Milk Hotel is as pop-punk as they come. We’re sorry if you didn’t know enough about music to realize that before, but that’s why we’re here, to educate you.

Look at it this way: If Neutral Milk Hotel isn’t pop-punk, then why hasn’t Jeff Mangum emerged from seclusion to respond to this article yet? Have you ever thought about that?

When people talk about the “big 3” of pop punk they’re talking about Blink 182, Sum 41 and Neutral Milk Hotel, and that’s cannon. We’re over here just skanking away to “The King of Carrot Flowers” and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Nothing, that is, but ENGAGE.

Oh please don’t throw us to the briar patch on this one, i.e. sound off in the comments section with your outrage, anything but that! If you do that then your friends will see it and comment, and their friends, and their friends…

Okay let’s throw away this pretense of being “coy.” You know exactly what we’re doing, hell we’re telling we’re doing it, but it doesn’t matter. You just can’t let a statement as infuriating as “Neutral Milk Hotel is Pop-Punk” go, can you? No more games, no more winking and nodding, this is the way of the world and there is nothing either of us can do about it, okay?

This is how it is now, this is how it will always be. Billions of years of evolution, Mesopotamia, the wheel, it was all leading to this. If you don’t like it then by all means, sound off in the comments section.

Goddammit: Venue Has Stairs

Posted on January 18, 2022 by Anna Walsh

WASHINGTON — Two 20-step staircases at local venue The Disco Motel are among the most hated structures in the city, according to multiple breathless, annoyed patrons.

“I fucking hate this venue. I have to use the Stairmaster at the gym everyday for a month before we play here just to have the stamina to carry all my shit up those fucking stairs,” Poseidon’s Piss drummer Jodi Lowe explained, while taking a break to use their inhaler on the landing between the two staircases. “I can’t imagine what kind of shape the folks who carry the kegs must be in. How do they not even have a service elevator? Is this legal?”

Local showgoer Kiernan Poyle explained their inability to attend shows at the Disco Motel.

“Yeah, as someone with mobility issues, the Disco Motel is a nonstarter,” Poyle stated. “I went once and had to listen to the whole show from like three stairs up until a very kind, huge stranger fireman-carried me into the main room. Maybe if they paid a couple of huge guys to carry people up permanently I could go there again, or you know, they could just install an elevator.”

Venue owner Dave Jesperson is a staunch advocate of keeping the stairs.

“You can’t imagine how awesome these stairs were back in the day. There’s so much room for sitting and passing around Old English, or standing in the poorly lit areas and mackin’ on babes,” Jesperson reminisced, while making a Long Island Iced Tea from the venue’s bar. “I wouldn’t get rid of these stairs if God himself made me, so I’m certainly not going to do it just because it’s ‘legally required’ by the federal government. I’ll just keep jacking ticket prices up to cover the fines.”

At press time, a visibly drunk patron could be seen clinging to the railing, muttering “oh fuck, oh fuck” repeatedly, and gingerly stepping down one steep step at a time.

Biden Takes Day Off Fighting for Voting Rights to Honor MLK

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Freelancer

WASHINGTON — President Biden paused his current efforts to pass the Freedom to Vote Act and the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act in the Senate to honor the life and legacy of civil rights icon Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. today.

“There is still a tremendous amount of work to do to realize the vision of America that Dr. King dreamed of,” President Biden told a group of journalists gathered outside the White House, where he was spending the day off walking his new dog. “That will take a great deal of reflection and thought. I’m going to spend the day thinking of Dr. King very hard. And if I don’t feel that I’ve done enough reflecting, I might take the rest of the week off to ponder, mull, and consider. In memory of this great, great man.”

Jen Psaki shut down rumors that Biden’s schedule might include meetings with Manchin, Sinema, or other centrist Senators on the fence about voting rights legislation today.

“The President takes bipartisanship very seriously, and the idea that he would take a day dedicated to coming together as Americans, and sully that with political work is honestly insulting,” Psaki told the press pool. “Maybe you don’t really understand what MLK was all about. Americans from all walks of life are coming together to honor Martin by taking today to live up to his immortal words: ‘Live. Laugh. Love.’”

Nancy Pelosi, who spent the morning at an event with members of Dr. King’s family, expressed disappointment that Biden wasn’t pushing harder for filibuster reform.

“The road ahead for voting rights legislation, which he passed in the House, is uncertain in the US Senate, and frankly, I find it disheartening that Biden is taking the photo opportunities this day provides more seriously,” said Pelosi, posing behind Martin Luther King, III. “So Kirsten Sinema says she won’t change the filibuster—let’s change her mind! She loves a bold print. Imagine the optics. We can get Kyrsten on CNN in some kente cloth announcing she’s still considering the legislation. It would dishonor Dr. King’s legacy not to do everything we can to win the 2022 midterms.”

At press time, Biden was reportedly calling in members of the Secret Service, who were not given the day off, to clean up after his new dog, so he could focus on thinking of MLK.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Fight Emerges After Millennial and Zoomer Can’t Agree On Whether This Band Rips or Slaps

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

BOSTON — Millennial and GenZ show-goers broke out into a fight after a disagreement on whether local punk band Alone Vera ripped or slapped during last night’s performance, nearby audience members reported.

“So it all started when this toddler wearing a fugly cardigan standing next to me said to his homie that Alone Vera slaps. Excuuuuuse me? They don’t slap, they fucking rip broski,” said local accountant Joshua Robbins, age 33 while browsing Urban Dictionary. “He got all fricken cray cray and told me to ‘take several seats sweetie,’ whatever that means. But I don’t give any fucks so I said to him that he’s being lamesauce and that’s when the shit, like, really hit the fan. This guy picked the wrong dude to throw down with, because I’m always ready to get crunk.”

Boston University anthropology major Xander Benson retaliated by hurling slang back at Robbins, as tensions escalated further.

“No cap, I was about to throw hands. He said this band ripped? Is that a reference from one of those old ass cable shows like ‘Lost’ that my parents think is cool? As a huge stan of Alone Vera, I just couldn’t let the CEO of dumb takes drag them like that,” said an oblivious Benson. “I told him everything they played so far was a bop and then he told me to ‘get bent.’ I was getting some pretty scrawny vibes from the dude so I handed him the L, and that’s on periodt. I went full send.”

Dr. Sofia Aragosta, a linguistics professor at MIT, has extensively studied the generational differences in slang.

“This incident between two grown men fighting over a simple misunderstanding in language use is sadly much more common than you would initially believe, ” said a frustrated Dr. Aragosta. “They used the verbs ‘ripped’ and ‘slapped’ to indicate their enjoyment of the band, when most people with good taste in music would have said they blow or they’re mid.”

“But I mean, let’s be honest here. Both of these white dudes are just appropriating AAVE and stealing words from young Black people and rebranding it as ‘Internet culture’ so no one calls them out on it,” concluded Dr. Aragosta.

At press time, the millennial and GenZ audience members teamed up together to beat the shit out of the one GenXer who described the performance as “totally tubular man.”

Republican Doesn’t Want Trans Kid Hiding In Bathroom With Their Child During School Shooting

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Issa Diao

BREWSTER, N.Y. — Local parent and lifelong Republican Shane Holmes expressed concerns over the dangers his child faces in the event that she might be forced to hide next to a transgender student in the bathroom during a school shooting, sources close to the out of touch man confirmed.

“Every day I see another horrific story on the news, and every day I send my Charlotte off to school scared that she might not make it home without spouting off some nonsense about how ‘gender is a construct’ or whatever Godless drivel she’s learning while she should be practicing bullet dodging techniques,” Holmes said. “I need to know that my child will only be pissing her pants in fear next to other kids like her. If I don’t think her school has my back on this, I just don’t feel comfortable putting her at risk of begging for her life on the wrong end of a full magazine next to some kid who’s clearly going through some phase.”

School officials sympathized with the man’s concerns, and assured most parents that they are doing their part in ensuring the safety of their children.

“We understand that a child’s safety is of the utmost importance to parents, which is why we’re instituting more safety protocols to ensure that no student ever find themselves in the vulnerable position of crouching behind a toilet and crying in the restroom with a transgender student during an active school shooting,” said Brewster High School superintendent, Mark Ingram. “To do our part, we’ve implemented a policy insisting that students make a final, hysterical phone call to their parents and loved ones from the bathroom that matches with the gender assigned to them at birth in such a scenario. Any student found violating this policy will face suspension.”

Fellow parents, Jess and Dylan Acosta, expressed their confusion over the position of Holmes and the school.

“We completely understand being worried that your child won’t make it home on any given day, but are we reading this right?” Dylan Acosta stated, as he reread a statement issued by the school, offering counseling to students who may be at-risk of quickly scanning for a small window to break and crawl out of in the vicinity of a transgender classmate. “I honestly can’t tell if my kid is at risk of being killed by a school shooter, or killed by her assistant principal for looking at him wrong. Jesus Christ.”

At press time, Holmes added that he also hopes the school will implement a strategy to limit his child’s exposure to Critical Race Theory in classrooms with eight or more students.

If You’re Gay Then Who’s the Man and Who’s the Long-suffering Partner That Secretly Meets With a Divorce Attorney Every Year Just in Case?

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Alice Lahoda

Wait, hold on. Go back a second. If you two are gay, then riddle me this: which one of you is the man, and which one is the long-suffering partner who secretly meets with a divorce attorney every year? Ya know, “just in case.”

Like, I get you’re a couple. I get that you’re in a romantic partnership. I even get the sex stuff (I watch Drag Race). But in every relationship, one person always takes the role of the dominant patriarch and the other nag, nag, fucking nags until they eventually take half your shit. So who’s who?

Let me try and ask a different way. Which one of you is just trying to watch the game they DVRed but can’t even get one play in before some shrill harpy shreds their eardrums with incessant screeching? And which one of you is the harpy?

Still not on the same page? How about this? Which one of you is always unfairly accused of gaslighting all the time? And which one misremembers every fight and gets so worked up in their head about shit that didn’t even happen that they start hurling crazy accusations?

Still no? Okay, hail mary time. Which one of you is the Elton John and which one is the other Elton John who just wants the first Elton John to shut the fuck up? Actually, you know what? It’s not important. What’s important is that you two are happy. And that there are only two of you because polyamory is scary.

Congrats on your big day, by the way. Y’all are great! I’m surprised such cool people are related to my shitkicker wife.

Dad Buys Daughter Record Player So Boxes of Old Records Will Be Her Problem

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Billy Patterson

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local father Ron Merchant bought his daughter a record player so that the family’s hundreds of old vinyl albums would become her problem in a matter of years, generous sources confirmed.

“Julia’s a big music fan, so I thought a record player would be the perfect present for her twenty-second birthday,” said Merchant, dropping a box labeled “Aerosmith-Frank Zappa” outside his daughter’s bedroom door. “But mainly I needed someone else to deal with all these old records. I’ve been moving them from house to house, room to room for the last thirty years, and I just don’t have the energy. I work hard to give my kids a good life, the least they can do is store this crap so I can finally put a TV in the basement.”

Julia Merchant, Ron’s daughter, is intrigued by the present and by the experience of physical media.

“People my age can open an app on their phone and instantly hear any song ever recorded, so it will be fun to see what it’s like to use a record player, and clean the needle, and take up actual physical space in the universe for something called ‘Frampton Comes Alive!’” Julia Merchant explained. “I am a little concerned about the logistical details that are gonna be involved in keeping this shit with me until I have kids to dump them on, though. It’s kind of hard to enjoy the warm sound of vinyl when I’m worried that one of these boxes could fall on me at any second, and are probably crawling with mold.”

Local thrift store owner, Jeremy Quiroz, says that he encounters young people in possession of their parent’s prized record collections on a regular basis.

“Every day I have a bewildered idiot walking in here begging me to take some boxes of vinyl records, usually about a week after their parents were in here asking me the same thing. Which is why I don’t accept records anymore, but I take all the record players I can get,” Quiroz stated. “I feel bad for these kids; they don’t want the albums, and there’s no way to get rid of them. People used to dump them in the ravine by I-81, but the police caught on.”

At press time, a disillusioned Merchant left a box of dusty paperback books at the door of his son’s room.

Stunning Golden Retriever Aware She Way Out of Family’s League

Posted on January 16, 2022 by Dianne Nora

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local golden retriever owned by the Blanchard family, Sammy, is aware that she’s totally out of the league of the relatively plain, rather dowdy family she lives with, sources confirm.

“When we’re out for a walk or at the park, I recognize the stares I get from people and dogs alike as I’m passing by,” ruffed Sammy, stopping to lick the thick, golden fur above her left paw. “I realize that not everything is about looks, and I don’t think less of them for not being very attractive, but even when it comes to personality, I still outshine the rest of the group. I mean, I don’t see the bank running out to give these idiots treats every time they walk by, and when we show up at the dog park? Well, it’s not the 13-year-old who’s getting asked where she gets her hair done, just sayin.’”

Susan Blanchard, the family matriarch, remained diplomatic about her children’s looks, but she acknowledged Sammy’s superior appearance.

“I’d like to think my girls are all fairly handsome in their own way, particularly as they continue to grow into their large foreheads,” Blanchard said, sharing photos of her daughters that are slightly out of focus and heavily edited. “But I’d be lying if I said Sammy isn’t particularly breathtaking. Her lustrous coat, her svelte figure, those eyes so deep you can practically get lost in them… no one can deny she’s the goodest and most beautiful girl, yes she is!”

Stacey Lynn, a local pet photographer, said Sammy could easily transition toward pet modeling.

“Everyone thinks their pet is cute, and in my line of work, I do see a lot of very adorable animals, but Sammy has the sort of presence and commanding beauty that could get her booked all over. She has broad appeal — the sort of All-American look that could translate to mass markets, like Alpo or Science Diet, but also more elite, niche castings like rubber booties, which require a really chic model. It just breaks my heart to see her owners holding her back. I’m afraid casting agents might see them first and shudder, before they get a chance to really experience Sammy in all her glory.”

At press time, Sammy confided that she was beginning to suspect that she may have been adopted.

Woman Bravely Powers Through Instagram Warning that She’s Been on App Too Long

Posted on January 16, 2022 by Dianne Nora

OAK PARK, Ill. — Lexie Henriques courageously ignored a notification suggesting it may be “Time to close Instagram?,” nobly ignoring the setting she enabled to protect her mental health in favor of mindlessly scrolling.

“This wellness influencer posted a screenshot from an article a while ago that said maybe Instagram could be bad for you if you use it too much, and I was like, omg, drag me, so I shared it to my story,” Henriques said, darting her eyes up from her phone periodically while speaking. “But there’s this thing you can set up where the app asks if you want to take a break if you use it continuously for thirty minutes. I saw the notification pop up, but I decided to gather all my strength and keep scrolling. If a friend posts a selfie, or someone shares a recipe, or there’s an infographic going around on how to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I’m willing to sacrifice my personal well-being to give it a like or even a share.”

Henriques’ twelve-year-old son, Noah, said he was particularly proud of his mom for ignoring the app’s warning.

“A lot of people would have taken the easy way out and put their phones down, or even switched to Facebook or Twitter for a minute, but I’m proud my mom was able to power through and keep staring at Instagram,” the junior Henriques confirmed, while watching a YouTube video on his iPad. “It also means I can get away with looking at whatever I want because she doesn’t really notice. I can tell she made this decision for me, because right after ignoring the notification, she shared a post from a moms meme page about how moms are always thinking of their kids first and wine second.”

Kirk Sullivan, an Instagram programmer, said that the new feature did not seem to be drawing significant users away from the app.

“People accuse Instagram of being addictive, particularly for young people, and we at Meta really took that to heart,” Sullivan acknowledged. “The fact is, none of the self-regulation tools we have offered to consumers are really catching on. But that hasn’t deterred us. We’re innovating a range of warnings to users, letting them know the dangers of too much scrolling. These warnings will be sent as an email they can access by periodically searching through their spam folder. Users can also enter the Meta-verse and interact directly with an avatar of Mark Zuckerberg to see firsthand how alienating and off-putting you can become if you spend too much time on social media.”

At press time, Henriques was ignoring the multiple fire alarms and sprinklers going off in her office building to continue selflessly monitoring Instagram.

How To Stop Chewing Your Nails and Start Chain Smoking Cigarettes

Posted on January 16, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

Chewing your fingernails is a disgusting habit and there’s no better time to kick your lingering vice than right now. In fact, it’s much easier to quit than you might think. Yup, you read that correctly. You can totally stop biting your nails today! All you have to do is replace that nasty addiction with a simple pack-a-day cigarette smoking regimen and you’ll be growing out your claws in no time.

Here are some tried-and-true tips for going cold turkey on nail chewing by going ham on cigarettes.

Every time you have the urge to bite a nail, reach for a cigarette instead
This will train your brain to associate your wrong habit (biting nails) with your new therapy (Marlboros). Eventually, biting your fingernails will no longer look satisfying to you! In fact, the only thing that can satisfy you is sweet mother nicotine.

Paint your nails to hide that they are yellowing
In this case, nail polish works double-duty. Not only does it taste terrible, preventing a tragic nail-biting relapse, but it also covers up the pesky nail discoloration that comes with ripping cigs every ten minutes.

Don’t worry about the consequences
You may be thinking: is this really a good idea? Smoking can cause major health problems! Well, why the hell are you thinking about those consequences? Just don’t. Besides, the problems cigarettes cause are most likely “future you” problems. Your stubby, jagged fingernails, however, are a “present you” problem. Get your priorities in order.

Besides, it’s not like you have an oral fixation, anxious tendencies, or an addictive personality. Once you’ve fully kicked your nail-biting habit, stopping smoking will be super easy probably!

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