Christian Mingle Sues Parents for Naming Him That

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

INDIANAPOLIS — 18-year-old Christian Mingle opened a lawsuit against his parents early yesterday afternoon in regard to his given name, according to sources attempting to hold back laughter.

“It is with great sorrow that I have decided to employ the legal system against my own family. But the years of emotional distress, the childhood trauma, and the pervasive inability to get laid have made the decision for me,” Mingle said, tearfully looking to his attorney for support. “I intend to prosecute my parents to the full extent of the law for such a grave error that has affected my daily life so drastically. It will never undo all the memes, tweets, and tags I’ve been subject to over the years, but it’s a start.”

Christian’s parents, Trudy and Virgil Mingle, deny any intentional ill-will toward their only child.

“We didn’t have the internet until 2004,” said Mr. Mingle, trying desperately to comfort his heartbroken wife. “There’s no way we could have known. We’ve been married since 1990, for God’s sake! We’ve never even seen a dating app. It is a generational entitlement thing, I think. My father, Benedict S. Mingle, got more chocolate candy stuffed in his shirt than a damn piñata, and his mother, shy as she was, was called Tryda Inter-Mingle, and you never heard them complaining.”

The junior Mingle’s friends tell a different story, however, claiming his many romantic challenges throughout high school were directly related to his namesake.

“He’s literally never had a girlfriend,” said Mingle’s classmate Randall Zheng. “At this rate, he’s not gonna get one. Not when his name is literally a dating app for women with hair down to their asses and dudes who look like Jesus. And honestly, he’s sick and tired of getting emails from frustrated virgins thinking they’re contacting customer service. Those started showing up in his inbox when he was like, 10.”

Mingle closed his press conference by expressing hope for a positive outcome, citing the recent successes of plaintiffs, adult woman Ashley Madison, and straightedge/furrycore band XHamsterX.

How to be an Absolute #Girlboss While Helping a Friend Grieve

Posted on by Freelancer

Navigating the line between being a “#girlboss” and being a “regular human being who is there for the people in your life” can be difficult, but if you couldn’t handle difficult situations you wouldn’t be a #girlboss in the first place!

Here’s a few tips and tricks for letting a friend grappling with a recent loss know that you support them, without loosing your carefully curated image as a ruthless winner who is not to be fucked with.

Make your friend feel heard, but not too heard
When someone experiences trauma the most important thing you can do for them is just be there and listen. You want to let your bereaved loved one know that you hear them and support them. But you also want them to know your time is money.

Don’t be afraid to interrupt your friend to answer a few quick work emails, even if your friend is crying uncontrollably and you don’t really have emails to respond to. It’s all about image and the image you want is “I’m not afraid to take charge!”

Pepper in the fact that you’re an A-type every 30 seconds or so
It’s important to be there for people you care about in their time of need, but it’s also important that you are perceived as an alpha. This can best be accomplished by repeating it ad nauseam. Here’s an example:

Friend: “I just can’t believe my mom is gone. I feel lost, aimless, like there’s no reason to get out of bed.”

You, a #girlboss: “As an A-type I really cannot relate to that feeling, but go on.”

Treat them to lunch, but make sure yours is better
If they get the shrimp, get the steak. If they get the steak, get the lobster. This subtle move will cause your mourning friend to subconsciously take you more seriously as an executive.

Don’t be afraid to delegate a few tasks
The grieving process is no excuse for a sink full of dirty dishes. You don’t want to be overly forceful in this situation, but there is nothing wrong with requesting that your crying and depressed friend bang them out whenever they get the chance. Just remember to use the right tone of voice to indicate that they better “get the chance” pretty damned quick.

Subtly remind them there are a lot of qualified people out there who would kill to be your friend that can handle this whole “grief” thing
Your friend may need a not so subtle reminder that you would hate for this thing to not work out, but you will do what is necessary to serve your best interests. You’re a #girlboss, not a guidance counselor. Offer them a few days to rethink their role in your friend circle and decide if they still want to move forward. Otherwise, they’re just taking up someone else’s spot.

Band Horrified to See Their Related Artists on Spotify

Posted on by John Danek

MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Self-proclaimed “experimental indie” band True Friction are horrified to see that their “Related Artists” tab on Spotify is populated by pop-punk and mall emo bands, sources within the band report.

“How can this be? We play a progressive, non-traditional breed of indie rock influenced by psychedelic garage and baroque pop,” exclaimed True Friction’s frontman Pete Thompson, whose lack of self-awareness prevents him from seeing that his band really just plays four-chord pop-punk songs. “Sum 41? Blink 182? This is at best an insult and at worst an attempt—nay, conspiracy!, by Spotify to keep our band from reaching its intended audience.”

“You should be seeing The Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, and Patti Smith there,” continued Thompson. “But come on, The Academy Is…? They haven’t put out a good record since ‘Almost Here,’ which is one of my favorite alb—I mean, I never heard it. Who?”

Fans of True Friction have been experiencing a crisis of identity after seeing mainstream emo bands in the “Related Artists” area.

“I used to think I was special for listening to True Friction, but I guess I’m just another millennial drone,” stated Linda Umphrey, who has seen the band countless times since their humble start in the Long Island basement show scene. “They always said in interviews that their biggest influences are Pink Floyd and The Velvet Underground, but every chorus has harmonized ‘woah-oh-ohs’ and the drums usually go into halftime for the final chorus, so maybe they are… just another pop-punk band?”

When asked for comment, a Spotify spokesperson attempted to explain how its algorithms work.

“If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and runs in place while palm-muting power chords like a duck, it’s probably a pop-punk band,” said Sven Karlsson, senior manager at Spotify. “The analytics don’t lie. True Friction’s songs are musically very similar to Simple Plan and All-American Rejects. Why do they even care? Just own it. You’ll sell more records and merch to the pop-punk crowd than pretentious Pitchfork readers who would rather spend their money on ironic Steely Dan tees.”

True Friction’s identity problems worsened upon being featured in a new Punk Rock MBA YouTube video titled “The Worst Pop-Punk Bands of All Time (Low).”

Biden Touts When We Were Young Fest Lineup As Key Accomplishment of First Year in Office

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Biden downplayed the failures of his infrastructure and voting rights bills earlier today and instead took full credit for the impressive nostalgic lineup set to be featured at When We Were Young Fest later this year.

“Listen Jack, festivals like this just weren’t happening under the previous administration. I don’t want to point fingers, but the last Warped Tour was in 2016, you don’t need to be a rocket man to do the math there,” said Biden from The East Room of the White House. “I’ve made sure this fest reaches across the aisle and appeals to multiple sub-genres. Whether you’re a fan of classic emo, or you got wrapped up in the glitz and glamour of the MySpace era, this fest has it all. The American people are finally ready to sing along again.”

Opponents of Biden were quick to point out many bands that are not going to be featured at the festival taking place in Las Vegas later this year.

“This festival is not only out of touch with what the people of this country want, but it shows how out of touch the President is. It seems like everyone forgot about the contributions Kansas bands have made to the genre this fest is founded on,” said Senator Roger Marshall (R-KS.) “The first names I should be seeing are The Get Up Kids, The Anniversary, Reggie and the Full Effect, or even The Casket Lottery. But they’re nowhere to be found. I encourage every ‘real emo’ fan to send President Biden a message and boycott this festival.”

Political analysts remain unsure how voters will react to President Biden’s press conference.

“Most people are worried about inflation, schools shutting down again, and making sure they can make it through another brutal winter. I’ve conducted many surveys and not a single person has listed ‘getting to see Silverstein again’ as a top priority,” said Laura Palmer, a professor of Political Science at UMass Amherst. “I will say I was personally disappointed that almost all the bands on When We Were Young are active bands. The President would probably garner a lot more goodwill if he were able to get a band like Orchid to reunite for the fest.”

At press time, President Biden was being fitted in a youth-large Piebald T-shirt, tight pants with a white studded belt, and Saucony shoes, leading many to believe he will be attending the fest in person.

New Clint Eastwood Movie Just Him Acting Out Boomer Memes He Found on Facebook

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — A new film titled “Great Again” featuring famed director Clint Eastwood reciting and acting out boomer memes he came across on Facebook is gaining significant traction with the aging and increasingly senile Academy of Motion Pictures, confused millennial sources confirmed.

“Mr. Eastwood has achieved something amazing, and that is boiling down the traditional and conservative themes of his films to their bare essences, and effectively conveying them via ‘Minions’ memes and nostalgia for a past that never actually existed,” read a press release for the upcoming film. “This masterful, 195-minute film was shot in just one take, and primarily features the legendary actor and director in a La-z-Boy, aside from a brief cameo from Scott Eastwood who helps his father figure out how to print a Ben Garrison cartoon.”

32-year-old Rudy Wagstaff attended an early screening of the film.

“I know that as a filmmaker Eastwood tends to do very few takes, but he probably could have cut the 20 minutes where he searched his house for his ‘readers’ before taking a quick cat nap,” said Wagstaff. “The movie’s big climax is Clint creating his own meme about how the America he grew up in is dead, but it’s in all caps and he uses the laughing emoji thinking it’s crying. There is also an uncomfortable sequence where he goes to a homeless encampment and calls all the people living their ‘leaches’ and tells them to get a job. Nobody needs to see that.”

Unsurprisingly, reviews for the film are divided.

“So far the reviews are all over the map. Vulture thought it was an ironic art piece, while the AVClub lambasted it, and AARP magazine called it the greatest piece of cinema made by humans.’ That last review is especially odd as they kept writing, ‘they could never make a movie like this today’ even though the film literally was just released,” said movie critic Kelsi Barnard. “Personally, I don’t even know if this thing counts as a movie. It’s just Clint chuckling to himself, and then occasionally he’ll get serious, and with tears in his eyes read a meme about how his generation ‘actually played outside’ and ‘used to get spanked.’”

At press time, Sam Elliot has earned a best-supporting actor nomination after an image from “The Big Lebowski” with a quote he never once said appeared in Eastwood’s film.

Overly Cautious Punk Back To Wiping Down Spray Paint Cans Before Huffing

Posted on by Mark Maira

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Extremely circumspect spray paint addict, Calvin Roberts, is said to be back to wiping down his cans before inhaling them recreationally out of fear of the most recent wave of COVID-19 in the Western New York area.

“Ya dude this new wave of COVID is no joke, it sucks but it seems like we’re going to have to go back to some of the safety measures we were taking last year,” said Roberts. “Like, I’m just trying to hang out and huff some Barn Door Red from Liquitex or Navy Blue from the Rust-Oleum Painter’s Touch collection without getting the virus and doing some permanent damage to my lungs.”

Those close to Roberts worry that their friend’s concerns over contracting the novel coronavirus are impeding on his ability to relax.

“We were doing bumps of crushed up Adderall at Roach’s party last week and he made me spray bleach on it to make sure it was safe,” pointed out Rachel Kessler, a coworker of Roberts. “I mean the high was way different than anything I’ve ever felt before and will probably ever experience again, but I just hate that he’s living in fear because of whatever new COVID variant is hitting us.”

Most in the medical community have agreed that it is very rare to catch COVID-19 when just simply contacting a surface or touching an object.

“When it comes to COVID-19 there is little to no evidence of transmission when physically coming in contact with something,” explains Dr. Imani T. Green of the University of Rochester Medical Center’s Department of Infectious Diseases. “So whether you’re huffing spray paint, cracking a whippet, or simply enjoying some industrial grade glue there is no real chance of catching the virus from the actual objects, especially as those activities are generally done in the privacy of one’s own basement.”

As of yesterday friends and family are reporting that Calvin has gone into a deeper level of social distancing and will now only be buying his spray paint through Amazon to avoid public places.

If This Bar Didn’t Want To Hear Six Hours of Ska, They Shouldn’t Have an Outlet Near the Jukebox Where I Plugged in My Own Speaker

Posted on by Zach Raffio

We all make mistakes. No matter how large or small, in most situations, they can be forgiven. The factor that determines forgiveness in all shades of folly, however, is if the guilty party is willing to take responsibility. That’s why I don’t even care how drastically they fucked up, I simply want the bar that kicked me out last night to apologize and take responsibility for their role in what happened. If they didn’t want to hear six hours of ska, they shouldn’t have an outlet near the jukebox where I plugged in my own speaker.

Why would the jukebox even be there if they didn’t want music playing in the bar? Following that logic, why would they have a second, open outlet plug next to the jukebox if they didn’t want me, specifically, to use it? I mean, if the bachelorette party over there can spam Lady Gaga from the TouchTunes app on their phones, why can’t I hook up this stage monitor I lugged in from my car and absolutely rip through a playlist filled with fast horns and even faster snares?

The outlet essentially welcomes a move like this. It clearly would not exist if the owners didn’t endorse vigilante ska. If they didn’t want me to stream an entire evening’s worth of two-tone, they shouldn’t be located so close to a coffee shop that has free wifi. I can’t believe this has to be said, but don’t sign a lease 26 years ago if you don’t want someone to steal the communal connection and play bands you swear are Fishbone but I promise are not.

The bar was clearly, in every faction, welcoming my actions. They created an environment that encouraged me to blast bowler hat anthems and it’s time they cop to that. Then, to make things up to me, they’ll let me plug in my PlayStation so I can play Tony Hawk on the big screen behind the bar.

Dive Bar Toilet Thinking About Finally Getting Clean

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

PITTSBURGH — The men’s room toilet at Skelly’s Tavern is seeking treatment after going through a dark period and hopes this is the year it finally gets clean, sources say.

“It is time to take back control of my life. I’ve spent way too many nights getting absolutely tanked, and I’ve finally hit rock bottom,” the toilet said. “You know, there are a lot of pressures as a dive bar toilet…I’m expected to work late into the night, customers and coworkers keep dumping their problems on me, and I get no relief. I’ve been living in filth for so long, and I’m not okay with it anymore. It is time for me to get some serious professional help.”

Many of the customers at Skelly’s, some of whom have been close with the toilet for years, were shocked to hear this news.

“Listen, I’ve been a regular at Skelly’s since I moved here. Winter of ‘16, right after my stint with the Norovirus. I’m here for a few brews and the firecracker wings three times a week,” local punk Jeff Langley disclosed. “In all my visits, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the toilet clean. Maybe I should have noticed, you know, maybe all the signs were there, but…I just honestly didn’t think the toilet was interested in changing. I mean, how many toilet seat covers have we tried to set on it, only to have them just slide right into the bowl? I don’t know…”

Skelly’s General Manager Sarah Ash noted that, while the toilet hasn’t been vocal about seeking help, she had a gut feeling that something was wrong.

“I’ve been avoiding this conversation for a while. To be frank, this environment just isn’t very conducive to getting clean. The sticky floors, the grimy bar stools, the greasy food – all that scum is part of the appeal. It is what keeps our people coming back,” Ash said as she finished off a beer. “But even if customers don’t like the change, and even if our revenue takes a hit because of it, I am finally ready to help the toilet get clean.”

“Not literally, of course. That thing is fucking so disgusting, I’d rather piss in the alley than come within 20 feet of that literal shitshow,” she added.

At press time, a Skelly’s staff member was seen helping the toilet on its journey by spraying Lysol in the air above the toilet before quickly running out of the bathroom before running out of breath.

Why You Should Give Up on Your Dreams but I Shouldn’t

Posted on by Andrew Battat

Hey, losers! Thanks for checking out my stuff. As you know, I’ve been preparing to launch my new album/channel/swimwear/lifestyle brand for the past decade now, but now that I made a TikTok account I’ve finally arrived. As a thank you to my loyal followers, I’m letting you all in on some of the tips and secrets I picked up on my journey. Mainly that you shouldn’t try to become an influencer. Not me, though. My success is just around the corner!

You will almost certainly not achieve the success you think you will
This is gonna be a particularly tough pill for you to swallow. Whereas for me, I’m one of the extremely talented and lucky few who will achieve the wild success for which I know I am destined.

You will be happier long-term if you just do it as a hobby
Stretching a hobby you love into a career only works for the most talented and dedicated. Spend time with your family. I, however, will be happier doing it as a career because I will achieve amounts of success, money, and power the likes of which the world has never seen.

If it was going to happen at this point, it would have already happened
Definitely true for you. For me though, it’s probably just taking a little extra time for whatever reason. Did you know Samuel L. Jackson wasn’t famous until his forties? So were like three other people. And soon, me!

Just accept that you have failed and move on with your life, seriously, you’re bumming everyone out
Sorry to get so serious but someone had to say it. Okay, you go enjoy your regular middle-of-the-road life. I have to start posting if I’m gonna land sponsors and make millions of dollars so I can begin paying back my enormous student loan debt.

Rural Town’s Lone Dell Computer Starting to Get Nervous About This Whole Remote Learning Thing

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

PIKETON, Ohio — A Dell XPS desktop computer belonging to the Piketon Public Library is starting to get nervous upon hearing reports that remote learning is once again being considered for the Pike County School District.

“It’s honestly terrifying. There aren’t a lot of resources here in terms of reliable Wi-Fi or even technology. I’m one of the only computers in town and there’s definitely no funding for more,” said the frazzled PC. “To make things worse, my model is discontinued, so there’s no chance of getting anything upgraded. I only have 1GB of RAM. If one student, let alone the entire student body in Piketon tried to load Zoom on me, I might literally explode. I was supposed to retire last year, God damn this fucking COVID.”

Head Librarian Myrna Smith cautiously admitted that she had been noticing odd things occurring in the computer area of the study since news of the remote learning plan was announced.

“I haven’t told anyone because I’m still a little weirded out, but yesterday morning, I came in and found an empty pack of Pall Mall Reds next to a freshly printed stack of articles detailing the mental health risks of remote learning,” reported Smith. “Even stranger, every time I walk by the workstation, this YouTube video called ‘Relaxing Zen Music With Waterfall Noises * Peaceful’ has been loading itself up and playing at full volume. When I click it off, I swear to god I hear heavy breathing coming from the monitor. It’s almost like it’s… meditating or something.”

Upon hearing word of possible remote learning in the small Ohio village, known philanthropist and CEO of Dell Computers, Michael S. Dell, sprung into action.

“We at Dell understand how difficult it can be for rural areas to allocate resources in such unprecedented times. We want to help lift the burden on the communities that need it most. Effective immediately, my team has been instructed to ship upwards of fifty mousepads to Pike County,” said Dell excitedly. “It’s not much, but it’s quite literally the least we can and will do.”

At press time, Smith had discovered a file on the computer’s desktop entitled “goodbye cruel world.txt”.

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