Press "Enter" to skip to content

Overly Cautious Punk Back To Wiping Down Spray Paint Cans Before Huffing

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Extremely circumspect spray paint addict, Calvin Roberts, is said to be back to wiping down his cans before inhaling them recreationally out of fear of the most recent wave of COVID-19 in the Western New York area.

“Ya dude this new wave of COVID is no joke, it sucks but it seems like we’re going to have to go back to some of the safety measures we were taking last year,” said Roberts. “Like, I’m just trying to hang out and huff some Barn Door Red from Liquitex or Navy Blue from the Rust-Oleum Painter’s Touch collection without getting the virus and doing some permanent damage to my lungs.”

Those close to Roberts worry that their friend’s concerns over contracting the novel coronavirus are impeding on his ability to relax.

“We were doing bumps of crushed up Adderall at Roach’s party last week and he made me spray bleach on it to make sure it was safe,” pointed out Rachel Kessler, a coworker of Roberts. “I mean the high was way different than anything I’ve ever felt before and will probably ever experience again, but I just hate that he’s living in fear because of whatever new COVID variant is hitting us.”

Most in the medical community have agreed that it is very rare to catch COVID-19 when just simply contacting a surface or touching an object.

“When it comes to COVID-19 there is little to no evidence of transmission when physically coming in contact with something,” explains Dr. Imani T. Green of the University of Rochester Medical Center’s Department of Infectious Diseases. “So whether you’re huffing spray paint, cracking a whippet, or simply enjoying some industrial grade glue there is no real chance of catching the virus from the actual objects, especially as those activities are generally done in the privacy of one’s own basement.”

As of yesterday friends and family are reporting that Calvin has gone into a deeper level of social distancing and will now only be buying his spray paint through Amazon to avoid public places.