PITTSBURGH — The men’s room toilet at Skelly’s Tavern is seeking treatment after going through a dark period and hopes this is the year it finally gets clean, sources say.
“It is time to take back control of my life. I’ve spent way too many nights getting absolutely tanked, and I’ve finally hit rock bottom,” the toilet said. “You know, there are a lot of pressures as a dive bar toilet…I’m expected to work late into the night, customers and coworkers keep dumping their problems on me, and I get no relief. I’ve been living in filth for so long, and I’m not okay with it anymore. It is time for me to get some serious professional help.”
Many of the customers at Skelly’s, some of whom have been close with the toilet for years, were shocked to hear this news.
“Listen, I’ve been a regular at Skelly’s since I moved here. Winter of ‘16, right after my stint with the Norovirus. I’m here for a few brews and the firecracker wings three times a week,” local punk Jeff Langley disclosed. “In all my visits, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the toilet clean. Maybe I should have noticed, you know, maybe all the signs were there, but…I just honestly didn’t think the toilet was interested in changing. I mean, how many toilet seat covers have we tried to set on it, only to have them just slide right into the bowl? I don’t know…”
Skelly’s General Manager Sarah Ash noted that, while the toilet hasn’t been vocal about seeking help, she had a gut feeling that something was wrong.
“I’ve been avoiding this conversation for a while. To be frank, this environment just isn’t very conducive to getting clean. The sticky floors, the grimy bar stools, the greasy food – all that scum is part of the appeal. It is what keeps our people coming back,” Ash said as she finished off a beer. “But even if customers don’t like the change, and even if our revenue takes a hit because of it, I am finally ready to help the toilet get clean.”
“Not literally, of course. That thing is fucking so disgusting, I’d rather piss in the alley than come within 20 feet of that literal shitshow,” she added.
At press time, a Skelly’s staff member was seen helping the toilet on its journey by spraying Lysol in the air above the toilet before quickly running out of the bathroom before running out of breath.