Well it looks like time is back on it’s bullshit, and it’s going full beastmode on my ass! Here we all are, just minding our own business totally innocent and shit when all of a sudden 2022 comes along, kills Betty White, invents Omicron, and makes me drunkenly punch that salesman’s lights out for LYING to me about my new TV’s screen mirroring compatibility. What the fuck did we ever do to that number anyway?!
I’m so fucking mad at numbers right now you guys.
It turns out, not only did 2022 make me break that kid’s jaw, but it may have caused me to inflict serious neurological damage on him due to a previous injury he had. That’s how shitty this year has decided to be! If that wasn’t bad enough, now 2022 has got me resisting arrest, pushing and kicking about as these poor cops try to shove me into the back of the car while screaming all kinds of hell!
2022 even had me shouting a few racial slurs at a Latino officer. Seriously 2022, racism? Don’t you know what year it is?!
This isn’t the first time I’ve been totally fucked over by a year either. There was that time 2016 gave me those DUIs. There was that time 2018 took my license away. And then there was that time 2020 got me fired for drinking at work. Man, years are assholes.
The worst part is that there’s nothing any of us can do to make anything different! The year is the year and that does not change. Even if I wanted to not fall off the wagon and physically assault a 20-year-old kid just doing his best, I couldn’t because that’s just what this fucking year DECIDED would fucking happen!
This year be like, “Oh, your plan was to leave Best Buy after you beat the fuck out of that guy but before the cops show up? Well I’m 2022 so, I guess fuck your plan!” I am so upset that this is happening to me!
Oh I know, I’ll just ask actor Sidney Poitier for advice, he’ll know what to do! Oh wait, he’s DEAD, murdered senselessly by 2022 and now I might go to jail because he can’t help me out!
I just wish there was something, or even someone, that I could hold accountable for the situation I find myself in besides a stupid number, but we all know there isn’t. Thanks a lot Time, you flat-circle bullshit motherfucker! I hope 2023 is cooler about shit because if they hit me with attempted manslaughter, which is looking likely, that’s when I get sentenced.