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5 Kinds of Hops That Say “I Know More Than the Person Giving This Brewery Tour”

There’s no better way to spend an afternoon than touring a microbrewery and sampling it’s offerings, save for one critical oversight: The dude giving the tour ISN’T ME!

Oh look at you mister big-shot tour guide with your fucking clipboard and your work ID. You think you’re better than me, huh? Just ‘cause you got that little cheat-sheet there. Well I bet I can name way more hops than you, nerd.

Here’s an easy one, and I’ll still bet they didn’t even mention it in your forty-five minutes of training. Hell, I’ll bet you still drink Bud Light like an asshole. What? You think just because you work as a tour guide at a brewery that that gives you the right to tell me about brewing beer?

A good aromatic hop like this is the essence of any real beer knowledge, and I should know – I’ve been home brewing for over five years and I’ve got a feeling that my next batch is finally gonna be the one that doesn’t taste like malted bear mace that randomly explodes 4-6 days after bottling. Hey, just cause the beer turned out like a dead cat full of copper doesn’t mean I can’t still drink in the sweet, warty flavor of superiority.

Mandarina Bavaria
I know more about IPAs than I know about my own father! Oh does that make you sad? Well it just makes me feel better than you. In fact, I feel so much better that I may need to drink another eight or twelve of these just to keep myself from sobbing uncontrollably about how much better than you I am.

Uhhhhh… Watermelon Kush
Yeah, that’s right. I bet you had no fucking idea this is in the same plant family so, like, it counts. Whatever, I don’t have to put up with your judgement. Weed is decriminalized in this state, I think.

Subject XJ-969 [Strain Omega]
Legally I’m not even cleared to talk about this one. Actually, I’m pretty sure the black helicopters are already on the way to “contain” this entire microbrewery. Know why? Because I know too much, motherfucker! Now get me another lager before the feds blank my memory again.