The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Who Hates New Beatles Documentary Wishes He Had Friend to Tell

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Corey Montgomery

DAYTON, Ohio – Local man Jesse Clingman found himself unimpressed and longing for a friend to direct his complaints after viewing the entirety of Peter Jackson’s massive eight-hour Beatles documentary “Get Back.”

“I just don’t understand the hype. It looks like somebody just threw a bunch of shitty B-roll footage together. There is no plot to speak of, and all the guys just seem like space cadets. How am I supposed to get emotionally invested in some shaggy dudes who barely know how to play guitar?” said Clingman from his studio apartment in reference to the painstakingly edited documentary series that details the creation of some of the most memorable songs to ever enter the pop canon. “I can’t be the only one that thinks this band is totally overrated. There are so many bands from the ‘90s that would mop the floor with these guys. Let me know when someone makes a Soundgarden documentary, that will be worth watching.”

Childhood friend Andrew Gordon admits he has distanced himself from Clingman in the past few years.

“It’s all just too much. If there is a universally loved piece of media he will do whatever it takes to tear it down,” stated Gordon. “I remember we went to see ‘Bridesmaids’ with a group of friends and everyone loved it, other than Jesse of course. He kept saying he would love to see a remake with an all-male cast, and then maybe he would enjoy it. It got so bad that I ended up telling him I moved to Oakland, but in reality I live 15 minutes from his apartment. I just grew a goatee and I wear a hat whenever I go out so he doesn’t recognize me.”

Noted Beatles historian Karl Hicks was horrified to learn of Clingman’s tepid review of the documentary in question.

“This man has actually said that the Beatles are derivative?!” said Hicks. “Oh, I’m sorry Jesse found the incalculable influence of classic songs like ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ and ‘Let It Be’ to be lacking in originality. Let’s just face the facts here. Paul McCartney has had bowel movements with more insight than this little twerp. I would have to assume that anyone with that sort of hatred toward the Beatles would have immense trouble starting a conversation, let alone maintaining a fruitful friendship. This kid is absolutely abhorrent in my book.”

At press time, Clingman was seen obsessively refreshing his Facebook account to see if his status “‘Get Back’? More like ‘Shit Stack,’ am I right?” had received any likes yet.

5 Ways to Be Your Best Self as You Track Down and Kill All the Alternate You’s in the Multiverse

Posted on January 13, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

We are all on a constant journey of growth, and life is full of innumerable stresses and hindrances to fully becoming the person you would most like to be. It can feel like an impossible task to live up to the person you feel you must be, but every path begins by putting one foot in front of the other and then killing the alternate versions of yourself that populate the multiverse and are preventing you from attaining ultimate self-actualization and universal power.

All you have to do is keep trying, and keep killing.

Leave Your Comfort Zone: No one ever got anywhere by staying in the same place. Your comfort zone is where you feel the most calm and content. Although it seems like that would be a positive, that safety net can also inhibit you from growth. Be brave. Ask out that stranger. Go for that promotion. Break into a quantum physics lab. Interrupt a high-risk Zeta-radiation transposition experiment in progress. Cross through shimmering dimensional barriers that separate you from all the Others that diminish you, and hunt them down.

Set Achievable Goals: You can only grow if you are accountable to someone: yourself. Think of the person that you want to be, and set reasonable, concrete aims. It can be daunting to think a thousand miles down the road, so just try to think of crossing the street. Wake up earlier each morning. Set aside 15% of your paycheck each month. Find all of the pathetic, weaker versions of yourself that exist, so that you may become the unique, the all-powerful ONE. You will do what you have to.

Absorb the Essence of Your Counterparts in Each of the 37 Parallel Universes: This is practically a cliche, but you have to keep it in mind. The most powerful form of self-actualization is to defeat the Other You’s in hand-to-hand combat, and after a fierce, parkour-influenced battle, absorb their very souls. Feel their strength flow into you. Also, there are only 37 universes total, so see the previous achievable goals. You can do this.

Eliminate Distractions: It’s important to pause and ask yourself: am I allowing the deadweights of guilt, morality and the sight of my own eyes go blank and lifeless as I drown Alternate Self-14 (Pirate Universe) in the shallows of the Atlantis Ocean drag me down? Distractions can take many forms. Toxic attitudes. Unhealthy habits. The sight of another version of you happily married to the one who got away, mocking you with their love. Eliminate them.

Eat More Fiber: Did you know only 5% of adults in the United States eat the recommended amount of dietary fiber? It may not seem important now, but maintaining digestive health is enormously beneficial to you, your goals and the murder of 36 imposters across the multiverse. Remember, small steps!

So, remember, as you grow every day, in every way: be kind to yourself.

But not your alternate selves. Show no mercy to those fuckers.

Optimistic Band Sees Completely Empty Venue as Half Full

Posted on January 13, 2022 by Bobby Korec

TACOMA, Wash. — Local punk band Dungeons and Koalas applied their optimistic mindset to see a completely empty venue during their set as half full, sources who had a much harder time extracting any positives confirmed.

“Despite not a single member of the human race in attendance unless you count Kevin the bartender who had to be there, I’d say it was a pretty solid turnout,” said the band’s bassist Lucy Viles before reiterating that this was technically the largest crowd they’ve ever had. “What can I say? Our band just naturally views the world with rose-colored glasses. Sure, we’ve only ever been an opener. But if you look on the bright side, the opening slot is actually the best one — you only have to play for 20 minutes, you’re done at like 6:30pm, and when your set is over you can just focus on important stuff like getting absolutely shit-faced. See? Way better than headlining.”

Others weren’t as adept at putting a positive spin on the situation.

“The venue may have been at 50% capacity during our set, but to me it just looked half empty,” said singer Jacob Dastart of Angular Cheekbones, the middle band at the show. “It’s like Murphy’s Law where anything at a show that can go wrong will go wrong. For instance, the crowd’s lively moshing in the pit was distracting as hell, our merch sold out so now we have to magically come up with more, and the crowd was singing along so loud I couldn’t even hear myself scream. Seriously, probably the worst show ever.”

Psychologists are well aware that a person’s attitude contributes to their well-being.

“You actually need to strike a healthy balance between optimism and pessimism,” said counselor Judie Wrabbit. “Just think about it. If you’re too optimistic, you’re not going to see that we’ll all be dead in a few years when climate change inevitably destroys everyone except the billionaires. And if you’re too pessimistic, you won’t enjoy the nice 75-degree sunny days in Alaska during January in the meantime. On second thought, maybe there’s no right answer here. You do you.”

At press time, Dungeons and Koalas checked their Spotify account and noticed that they had a whole four listeners for the month, a “highly encouraging and unprecedented amount” in their opinions.

But I Swim So Much Better When I Have Active Diarrhea

Posted on January 13, 2022 by Andrew Battat

The greatest innovations in the world are seldom gradual. They surprise us. Even shock us. Well, I harnessed the power to control my active diarrhea at will, giving myself a boost of speed while underwater. That’s why I’m calling bullshit on outdated and unjust pool rules. How dare you tell me to stay out of the pool when I have active diarrhea. That’s when I do my best swimming!

By asking me not to be in the pool while I have diarrhea, you are asking an athlete not to perform at their peak. In the ’90s would you have told Michael Jordan to stop winning championships? No! Now let me, the Michael Jordan of poo-propulsion, get in the pool!

Oh, I get it. You just don’t believe me. Fine. Allow me to explain my innovation using science.

Newton’s laws of motion tell us that when you push a heavy box, you are also being pushed back by the box with an equal and opposite force. This phenomenon is known as the conservation of momentum and the same physics are at play here. As the diarrhea is shot out at a high velocity, the rest of my body is propelled forward, thereby keeping the system’s total momentum constant.

Or maybe you think this makes me a cheater. Look, I’m not competing in the Olympics here. I just want to poop-shoop my way around the deep end for a while.

Well, if I still haven’t convinced you then maybe this quote from 23-time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps will do it. “If you want to be the best, you have to do things that other people aren’t willing to do.”

I couldn’t agree more, Michael. See you in the pool, brother.

Incubus Once Again Voted Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Shrooms Once

Posted on January 13, 2022 by Ted Pillow

LOS ANGELES — Incubus was voted the Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Shrooms Once for the 21st consecutive year in an unofficial poll, sources who described the band’s catalog as “totally trippy!” confirmed.

“Hell yeah I voted for Incubus!” exclaimed superfan Gavin Eckstein. “I’ve been a huge supporter ever since their set at Lollapalooza 2003 really saved my ass. My buddies and I were partying all day and things got pretty intense and I started totally freaking out. I actually tried entering one of those medical tents they set up for people having bad trips, but they kicked me out because apparently it’s ‘meant for people on psychedelics, not guys who drink four lukewarm Twisted Teas on an empty stomach and start drunk-crying.’ Thank god Incubus’s music was there to guide me through that dark place.”

Incubus released a statement thanking their fans for helping them earn the honor once again.

“We never could have done this without our amazing fans, all of whom almost took shrooms once during their sophomore year of college,” lead singer Brandon Boyd posted to Instagram. “If you’ve ever been out to see us live, you know there’s nothing like an Incubus concert. We love looking out from the stage and seeing tens of thousands of people almost letting loose, almost knowing the words to our songs, and almost having a good time!”

However, although Incubus is beloved by the almost-tripped-once crowd, not everyone is enamored with the band.

“I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted trying to work Incubus tailgates,” drug dealer Ryan Quinn explained while hanging out in his car in a Wendy’s parking lot. “That’s my least favorite band, I’ll tell you that. I tried dealing at their shows for years because I figured their fans would be looking for some shrooms or molly or something. But they’d just ask me a million questions about whether or not it was safe without ever buying anything. Seriously, you’ll never see so many damn sober people using devil sticks and playing hacky sack as you will at an Incubus concert.”

As of press time, it had been announced that Alien Ant Farm had once again been voted the Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Marijuana Once.

George Constanza Pretends to Be in Architects

Posted on January 12, 2022 by Steve Esparra

NEW YORK — Local unemployed man George Costanza attempted to impress colleagues by pretending to be a member of metalcore band Architects while out to dinner last night, confirmed sources close to the compulsive liar.

“Dinner started out fine, I asked what he did for a living and he just said ‘I’m in Architects’ very confidently,” said Lilly Haverbrook, Costanza’s companion for the evening. “When I asked what albums he was on, he just said ‘Have you heard the latest one?’ I’m a big fan of the band so I asked if he meant 2021’s ‘For Those That Wish to Exist,’ and he just slowly nodded. I was skeptical, so I googled it while he went to the bathroom. But when I told him I didn’t see him on the album credits, he said it’s because he was using his music pseudonym, Art Vandelay. I really have no way of proving he’s lying, other than the fact he’s not in any of the band’s photos, promotional material, and definitely wasn’t on stage any of the dozen times I’ve seen the band live.”

The short, stocky, slow-witted Costanza was quick to rope his friends into the lie, including comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

“I was watching the Mets when George called me in a panic explaining he’s dating a new woman, and if she asks I need to confirm that he did in fact play bass for the English metalcore band Architects from 2017 to 2020. I pretended I didn’t know it was him by saying ‘uncle Leo?’ and then he screamed ‘Jerry!’” explained Seinfeld. “Well, he has always wanted to pretend to be in Architects. But I doubt he has ever even heard ‘Hollow Crown’ before. This is really more Kramer’s style of music. Although I have heard George mutter the phrase ‘all our gods have abandoned us’ many, many times. So who knows? And what’s the deal with metalcore, anyway?”

After the date, Costanza took Haverbrook to meet his parents, who were equally confused.

“Architects? Aren’t they just music school dropouts who say ‘blegh’ and write the chug-chug riffs?! Metalcore hasn’t been the same since The Dillinger Escape Plan disbanded!” George’s father Frank Costanza screamed to no one in particular. “I don’t care if he says it’s called a ‘breakdown.’ It sounds like he’s having a mental breakdown if you ask me! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE YANKEES?!”

At press time, Costanza was seen at Terminal 5 in Manhattan attempting to scheme his way into an Architects show using a “backstage pass” purchased from Bob Sacamano.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

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Woman That Once Ate Package of Fireworks Suddenly Expert on Everything After Becoming a Mother

Posted on January 12, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

TAUNTON, Mass. — Local maniac and new mother Aidy Simmons is now apparently the foremost expert on health, safety, and almost every other topic now that she’s responsible for keeping a human being alive, annoyed friends confirmed.

“I don’t want to be one of those overprotective moms, my own mother had her issues with letting go that might have fucked me up a little when I was younger,” said the woman who once ate an active roman candle from the lit end, not even on a dare, just to do it. “Back before I had Strummer I made a lot of impulsive mistakes. But I’ve developed a sort of intuition over the past few months and now nobody is going to be allowed to touch him if they use a hand lotion containing parabens, I don’t need that shit irritating him. He’s very sensitive, which he must get from his father. He gets an upset tummy if his food isn’t at the right temperature. I wish Strummer got a bit more of my toughness, just last year I licked bird shit off a car window for a cigarette and barely got sick.”

Those close to Simmons are happy that motherhood has tamed her wild edge, but admit they are annoyed by her sudden wealth of pseudo-knowledge.

“Three years ago I was visiting Aidy in the hospital because she broke her legs jumping from a balcony into a kiddie pool. All her friends were worried that she was going down a path of self-destruction, then she got pregnant and it all changed,” said friend and former roommate Samarra Gotlieb. “Now things are just weird. She’s gained a pretty big following on Tik Tok sharing recipes for homemade lotions that seem dangerous. And last week she brought a bunch of frozen bags of breast milk to a food drive which definitely isn’t non-perishable, to say the least.”

Parental psychologist Wilson Lee says this sort of behavior is common with new parents everywhere.

“It takes zero skill to become a parent, but it’s a big lifestyle change for anyone who experiences it. Because of this, new parents tend to go completely insane and think that bringing life into the world makes them god-like,” said Lee. “It’s usually a symptom of trying to overcompensate for the accidental pregnancy. It’s fine if you and your partner got drunk and banged in a Waffle House parking lot without protection, but that mistake doesn’t qualify you to be an asshole nine months later and for the next 18 years.”

Simmons was last seen on the campus of MIT insisting that being a mother qualifies her to run the school’s biology department.

Opinion: Anyone Closer to the Stage Than Me is Too Young And Everyone Behind Me is Old As Fuck

Posted on January 12, 2022 by Ted Pillow

Punk concerts are about chaos and anarchy. But, that rebellious spirit doesn’t change the fact that there’s only one reasonable place to stand during a show – right next to me in the middle, baby.

Look at all those young jackasses squished up front near the stage, spilling their beer and bouncing off one another without a care in the world. Uh, first concert much?

I guess, if I think back far enough, I can almost remember a time where I was up there with the kids, laughing and singing along to every word. That was a time in my life when I had “hopes and dreams” and “planned to travel the world” and “didn’t want to be the associate manager of a Pacsun.”

Well, so much for that! Optimism is stupid, the future is fucked, and all Volcom hoodies are 40% off at Pacsun this weekend with the promo code “lifeismeaningless.” I’ll save a spot in the middle for ya, Gen Zers.

And these Gen Xers behind me are even worse. Look at them, only ever uncrossing their arms to take a sip from their craft IPAs. I see one dude in a Jawbreaker shirt practically standing in the parking lot whose only form of rhythmic movement is sarcastically rolling his eyes.

Sure, I’ve incrementally moved back from the stage myself throughout the years. In fact, I’m somehow 5 feet closer to those comforting “EXIT” signs in the back than I was at the beginning of this set. And sure, I’m enjoying a cold IPA, but I’m not like way into it. I’ll never embarrass myself the way those ancient slackers are!

There’s a difference between a respectable distance from the pit (which, we can all admit, is getting scarier every year) and backing up so far you need your bifocals just to see who’s playing. And it’s a distinction that can only be made by me, a 35-year-old in that perfect cultural sweet spot to be obsessed with quotes from “The Sandlot” but equally confused by both black-and-white classic films and anything with Timothee Chalamet.

Nope, there’s only one acceptable place to stand at a concert, and that’s exactly where I’m standing: directly in the middle of the venue, completely and utterly alone.

Kirk Hammett Forgets If James or Lars Has Custody of Him This Weekend

Posted on January 12, 2022 by John Danek

SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Metallica lead guitarist and wah pedal enthusiast Kirk Hammett couldn’t remember if he is supposed to go to James Hetfield’s mansion or Lars Ulrich’s mansion this weekend, the guitarist admitted to friends.

“A lot of people don’t know that James and Lars agreed to joint custody of me, which you can see in a deleted scene on the ‘Some Kind of Monster’ DVD,” explained Hammett, who fully understands that James and Lars both still love him. “But I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go after surfing this Friday. I like going to James’ because he gives me guitars, but I have to be asleep by 11 p.m. Lars’ is fun because we stay up until 4 a.m. drinking whiskey, but then I have to sleep on the floor, and he always tells me not to tell James I got to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast and dinner.”

Metallica frontman and rhythm guitarist James Hetfield expressed frustration at having to bear so much responsibility in the band.

“I can’t wait until Kirk turns 80 and he is fully emancipated,” admitted Hetfield who has begun writing the band’s next album, which is expected to drop in 2034. “It’s definitely Lars’ weekend. This back and forth is nonsense. But since he and I just can’t seem to jive under the same roof, it’s the way it’s gotta be, brother. We got through another awkward holiday season with the handoff, but Kirk still seems stoked about having two Christmases so that’s good.”

Metallica historians point out that interpersonal relationships between the band have influenced the overwhelming majority of their music.

“Not many people know this but ‘Master of Puppets’ was written about the court proceedings over Kirk’s custody battle,” said Todd Langley, author of several Metallica biographies. “’Enter Sandman’ started as a lullaby that James would sing to Kirk to get him to fall asleep, and ‘Welcome Home (Sanitarium)’ was written to help Kirk feel more comfortable in James’ new house. ‘Fuel’ is still just a song about gasoline, though.”

Trouble within the Metallica camp continued to worsen, as no one remembered to pick bassist Robert Trujilo up from soccer practice.

We Interviewed Mom Because We’re About To Ask for Money but We Feel Kinda Guilty

Posted on January 11, 2022 by Camden Brazile

When the legendary parental figure and caretaker, our Mom, was available for an interview literally any time for the past three years, we passed, believing that we had all the information we needed from her. But with everything that’s happened in the world during that time, and with our dipshit landlord breathing down our necks, a follow-up interview with the matriarch seemed appropriate, and to be honest lucrative.

We called mom for a brief, (please God let it be brief,) interview at her home somewhere in Vermont, we forget what town.

The Hard Times: Hey Mom! It’s me, how are you doing, how are things?
Mom: Well Hi! Haven’t heard from you in a while, how are you? What can I do for you?
Not much, just wanted to check up on you. See how things are. I love you!
Oh, I get it. How much do you need?
How much? Oh, you mean money? Mom, come on, I just wanted to talk to you!
Well that’s a surprise, you know you didn’t come home for Aunt Libby’s funeral. Didn’t even call.
What? I thought I did. I called, I’m sure I did. Anyway, how’s Dad?
He’s getting worse, not sure how much time he has left. Would you like me to put him on? He’s right here.
Nah, that’s okay! Just tell him I say hello.
He’s right next to me, you’re on speaker, you can tell him yourself.
No, that’s fine! I don’t want to bother him.
Well, I’m glad you called, it has been a while.
Totally! Yeah I’ve just been busy with like, stuff.
I could use someone to talk to, I’ve been having a pretty rough time lately. Between looking after your father and Libby’s funeral and the quarantine, you know because of my asthma I’ve barely left the house since this whole thing…
Actually speaking of money, I mean like just, since you mentioned it…

At this point, mom’s phone must have ran out of battery, because the call disconnected. Although she almost caught us, we are confident the check is in the mail. We plan on scheduling an awkward follow-up interview next month when we move back home, and tell ourselves it’s “to take care of her.”

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