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5 Ways to Be Your Best Self as You Track Down and Kill All the Alternate You’s in the Multiverse

We are all on a constant journey of growth, and life is full of innumerable stresses and hindrances to fully becoming the person you would most like to be. It can feel like an impossible task to live up to the person you feel you must be, but every path begins by putting one foot in front of the other and then killing the alternate versions of yourself that populate the multiverse and are preventing you from attaining ultimate self-actualization and universal power.

All you have to do is keep trying, and keep killing.

Leave Your Comfort Zone: No one ever got anywhere by staying in the same place. Your comfort zone is where you feel the most calm and content. Although it seems like that would be a positive, that safety net can also inhibit you from growth. Be brave. Ask out that stranger. Go for that promotion. Break into a quantum physics lab. Interrupt a high-risk Zeta-radiation transposition experiment in progress. Cross through shimmering dimensional barriers that separate you from all the Others that diminish you, and hunt them down.

Set Achievable Goals: You can only grow if you are accountable to someone: yourself. Think of the person that you want to be, and set reasonable, concrete aims. It can be daunting to think a thousand miles down the road, so just try to think of crossing the street. Wake up earlier each morning. Set aside 15% of your paycheck each month. Find all of the pathetic, weaker versions of yourself that exist, so that you may become the unique, the all-powerful ONE. You will do what you have to.

Absorb the Essence of Your Counterparts in Each of the 37 Parallel Universes: This is practically a cliche, but you have to keep it in mind. The most powerful form of self-actualization is to defeat the Other You’s in hand-to-hand combat, and after a fierce, parkour-influenced battle, absorb their very souls. Feel their strength flow into you. Also, there are only 37 universes total, so see the previous achievable goals. You can do this.

Eliminate Distractions: It’s important to pause and ask yourself: am I allowing the deadweights of guilt, morality and the sight of my own eyes go blank and lifeless as I drown Alternate Self-14 (Pirate Universe) in the shallows of the Atlantis Ocean drag me down? Distractions can take many forms. Toxic attitudes. Unhealthy habits. The sight of another version of you happily married to the one who got away, mocking you with their love. Eliminate them.

Eat More Fiber: Did you know only 5% of adults in the United States eat the recommended amount of dietary fiber? It may not seem important now, but maintaining digestive health is enormously beneficial to you, your goals and the murder of 36 imposters across the multiverse. Remember, small steps!

So, remember, as you grow every day, in every way: be kind to yourself.

But not your alternate selves. Show no mercy to those fuckers.