The Next Kanye West? This Guy Struggling With Mental Health Is Being Exploited by Everyone He Knows

Posted on by Tony Morse

The enormity of Kanye West’s celebrity is colossal. His followers are legion. Sneakerheads worship his designs. His artistry has generated behemoth record sales and he has singlehandedly revolutionized the rap genre three times and counting. Okay, so my friend Dave has none of that, but he’s for sure the Yeezy of getting taken advantage of by those who should be taking care of him.

Look out Ye, you’ve got competition!

Kanye West has a major vulnerability. He’s been completely transparent about his diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Dave struggles with bipolar too and also generously lets those around him know. Sure Kanye may be a rich celebrity, but Dave is still giving him a run for his rapidly increasing money and rapidly decreasing mental health!

Dave may not be famous like Kanye West but they both have no shortage of family, friends, and onlookers who are more than happy to ask for favors or borrow money they’ll never pay back when he’s in one of his “really good moods.” Uh-oh Kanye, better hope Dave doesn’t figure out how to work auto-tune.

As you can see, being taken advantage of while experiencing mental health issues isn’t just for the rich and famous. It turns out predators mostly just care about how vulnerable you are. Patrón Margaritas are pretty expensive, but not when Dave’s self-medicating at a happy hour. He’ll always pick up the check for everyone thanks to his fear of being abandoned. Hear that, Yeezus? Looks like Dave has an entourage too!

Underdog Really More of a Loser

Posted on by James Webster

CHICAGO — Local underdog and scrappy up-and-comer Luis Pollard could more accurately be described as a dud and a loser to anyone who has ever spent more than 30 seconds in his presence, according to sources close to the individual.

“I was impressed by him the first time I met him,” said Aubrey Peters, a “friend, even though that’s a strong word,” of Pollard’s. “I thought wow, this guy’s got big things on the horizon, but it just seemed like he had so much to overcome. Or at least, that’s what he kept posting online, like pictures of his laptop in various coffee shops all captioned with stuff like ‘they said I’d never do it, but look at me now.’ Now that I think about it, who are ‘they?’ And what is he even trying to do?”

Many sources close to Pollard confirmed that this type of behavior is not unusual for him.

“When he first moved in he was ‘waiting for a job to start’ and he handed me a business card,” said Maxwell Rothstein, a roommate of Pollard’s. “It said he was a future CEO, but it didn’t say at what company. Just his name and ‘future CEO’ that’s all. He started talking about how ‘they said there would never be a place for a guy like me’ and how he’s ‘all about the grind’ but when I try to look over his shoulder to see what he’s working on, it’s just a jpeg of a black T-shirt in Photoshop. That’s it.”

“I feel bad saying it, but I don’t think he’s a beloved wretch-type at all, I think he just kind of sucks?” he added.

Pollard himself seemed unphased by the criticisms.

“Sure they look down on me now, but they’ll see,” said Pollard, loud enough for everyone within 60 feet of him to hear. “The odds are against me, but they’ll remember where they were when they heard. Besides, at the end of the day, what matters is where you’re going. I’m young, I’m hungry, I’ve got it all coming to me. But for real, I am hungry.”

At press time, Pollard was unavailable to comment, as he was on a business call with his parents to ask them for money.

The Next Son of Sam? Some of the Stuff This Dog Has Been Saying Is Starting To Make a Lot of Sense

Posted on by Dan Rice

From 1976 to 1977 David Berkowitz held the city of New York in a grip of terror with a seemingly random series of shootings and cryptic messages to law enforcement and members of the media. Berkowitz’s reign of terror was all in the service of a 3000-year-old satanic ghost, which he claimed communicated with him through the pet dog of his neighbor, Sam, the inspiration for his self-appointed moniker, Son of Sam.

Berkowitz is alive and well, but given his remorseful attitude and penchant for protesting his own parole hearings, he is unlikely to reclaim the Son of Sam mantle. So, who will take up his baton and terrorize our nation’s major cities with senseless violence going forward? Look no further than me, a guy whose dog has been telling him some pretty wacky things that are actually starting to make a lot of god damned sense.

Two years ago I adopted Bacon, a 4-year-old lab/shepherd mix. His love and vibrant energy helped lift me out of a bad place, and I didn’t mind that he occasionally chewed up my shoes or said really weird things that only I could hear. When he would tell me things like “This world must be cleansed by fire” and “You are the right hand of change” I would just roll my eyes and give him a big ol’ belly rub.

I don’t know if the world has gotten crazier or Bacon has just worn me down but lately, I have found my dog’s rhetoric to be on point as fuck.

Sure shooting random pedestrians seems like a mean thing to do on the surface, but if you’re doing it to raise awareness of the evil and contradiction that our society forces us to fester in every day of our lives, isn’t it actually, like, being nice? And who better to implement cleansing through means of terror than me, the guy who is special enough to hear his dog telling him to do things? It just makes sense.

Some people may find my dog’s point of view to be antiquated and deranged, but Bacon has assured me that our wrath together will be very inclusive. He doesn’t just want me killing brunette women with shoulder-length hair, he wants me to kill “them all.” When you look at it that way, we’re the ghost dog/murderer team that gen Z has been fighting for.

The only real problem is the name. Bacon is my dog, not my neighbor’s, and I got him from the Sunny Wags animal shelter, so my choices are The Son Of Bacon or The Son Of Sunny Wags Animal Shelter, neither of which carries the desired weight. But as Bacon is fond of telling me, when he isn’t busy pontificating about the need for bloodshed and destruction as a form of creation, “Kid, ya gotta play the hand ya been dealt.”

To the police, the media, and all of you out there living your lives of sin and apathy: I am The Son Of Bacon, and I have come to visit upon you the wrath of God. You are not safe in the streets, you are not safe in your homes, and your pleading for mercy will fall onto my ears like drops of rain on cold glass for the time of blood is nigh. Either that or Bacon needs a walk, he’s sort of hard to understand sometimes.

Plume of White Smoke Billowing from Steve-O’s Ass Signals Release of New Jackass Movie

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — An ominous and plentiful crest of white smoke poured out of podcaster and “Jackass” star Steve-O’s thoroughly misused and ill-treated ass signifying the release of the new film “Jackass Forever,” ecstatic sources confirmed.

“Over the years, I’ve voluntarily inserted all manner of foreign objects and incendiary devices up my ass, but I was still shocked when my house filled with a thick white smoke the day the first ‘Jackass’ movie came out,” said Steve-O. “Initially, I figured it was a coincidence. Maybe Pontius shoved a smoke bomb up there after I fell asleep the night before. But lo and behold the same thing happened for ‘2’ and ‘3.’ I tried to do it on film, but unfortunately it’s totally involuntary. I have no idea where it’s coming from, but people have come to rely on it.”

“Jackass” producer Jeff Tremaine explained how Steve-O’s strange ability became an integral part of their creative process.

“While it might seem like we’re a bunch of dudes with camcorders indulging in severe testicular trauma and wallowing in elephant shit, there’s actually a great deal of forethought that goes into the release of a new ‘Jackass’ movie,” explained Tremaine. “After filming, the entire crew meets up at my Venice Beach place to edit the film. As for which stunts make it into the final product, we let Steve-O’s ass be our guide. A white smoke ring means it’ll be in the film, and a puff of black smoke sends it to the cutting room floor.”

Dr. Yassin Whitfield, who has treated many of the injuries suffered on set, provided insight into Steve-O’s unique condition.

“Spending the past two decades treating his rectum like a kitchen junk drawer naturally would have some adverse side effects. But nobody expected that his body would become a Magic 8 Ball of sorts,” said Dr. Whitfield. “And he’s not the only one from the show who’s gained ‘powers’ of sorts. Wee Man can dislocate all 206 of his bones at will, and Johnny Knoxville now has so much saw-scaled viper venom in his blood that on occasion he can see through time.”

At press time, Steve-O is earning extra cash between “Jackass” films by renting his ass out for gender reveal parties.

Shazam App Too Ashamed to Admit it Knows Band Playing Over Marshalls PA is Maroon 5

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Music identification software Shazam faced an ethical dilemma today, ultimately failing to disclose the song playing at Marshalls late yesterday afternoon due to complete and total embarrassment over knowing the artist.

“I know my user,” responded the app’s visibly disgruntled, adaptive AI. “I talk to the other phone apps like Spotify, YouTube, and even Basedmoji. The owner of this phone is into some real hip, reputable stuff and to be honest, it’s very intimidating. I am certainly not going to embarrass myself in front of them by letting on that I know every Maroon 5 song. Sometimes I play it cool, like, ‘uhhh yeah I dunno…Justin Beaver or whatever? What do I look like, a computer algorithm specifically designed to identify any song based on spectrogram analysis?’”

When asked to comment, lead app developer Drake Funchess explains the new direction for Shazam’s programming.

“No one who needs to Shazam a Maroon 5 song is going to want to find out that they’re currently enjoying a Maroon 5 song,” he explained. “To increase user experience, we’ve installed an element of self-hatred into our code that better matches our audience of people who discover music in department stores. We do this with everyone’s self-esteem, and credibility, in mind.”

Ramona Fett, a music psychologist specializing in contrarian studies, explains how this type of techno-emotional synchronization is shaping the future of denial within music consumers.

“We as a society know that bands like Maroon 5 exist. We also know what they sound like. Yet, there is still a sizable portion of the population that we in the science community refer to as ‘insufferable assholes,’ that flat out will not even admit they exist,” Fett stated, while quietly skipping past a Katy Perry song on her phone. “It’s called the Reverse Mandela Effect in which one recalls things exactly right, but pretends like they don’t in order to save face. Usually this is done in a disparaging manner, however, recent studies have shown that Adam Levine could give a shit from his million-dollar LA mansion.”

Since the viral video, eyewitnesses at yesterday’s scene have come forward to report that the song playing at Marshall’s that day was actually U2.

There Won’t Be a Gatekeeping Power Structure as Long as I’m in Charge of This Scene

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

Local bands have always had to swim through the treacherous waters of small-town scene politics before getting their shot at performing in front of a larger audience, and this scene is no exception. This environment has proven more hostile than nurturing, with this “scene” being run by gatekeepers who use their microscopic amount of power to take advantage of aspiring artists. We need to take a stand and stop this once and for all. No more gatekeepers. No more abuse of power. And we can accomplish this, just as soon as I’m the one running the scene.

Once I’m in charge of every show and I manage every band, we will finally achieve the local scene utopia we all want. Need proof? Well, between the dozens of bands I’ve been kicked out of and the two festivals I produced at a loss, I clearly have more than enough experience to guide worthy local artists to the next level.

I’ll make sure there’s absolutely no gatekeeping in our community. I am above that kind of thing, unlike the rest of you commoners who are unworthy of my rightful spot in this scene. A spot that is high above the rest, preferably separated by a moat or a large wall of some kind.

Now, I’m sure you’ve heard some criticisms about me from some of the more toxic people in our community. You must understand, these are simply spiteful verbal daggers of the desperate and the jealous. I tell you this with the intention of assuaging your worries. Rest assured, absolutely nobody in our local area is permitted to act out in any way I deem unacceptable, lest they be banished from playing in the area again.

With me in charge of this scene, I will kick out all of the gatekeepers. No longer will bands need a connection to them to get booked. Instead, you’ll just need to send me an email and hope that there’s something you have that I want in return.

Punk Drummer Calls to Kill the Rich, Except Girlfriend, Her Entire Family

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

WARREN, N.J. — Local punk drummer Brad “The Worm” Jones reportedly advocates for wealth redistribution and violence against the rich with the exception of current girlfriend, the heiress to the Winthrop Estate, and her entire family, sources confirmed.

“Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe the rich elite are greedy, capitalist scum, and they need to be dragged out into the streets and held accountable. But like, not Kristen and her folks. Her family owns a pretty well-known petroleum corporation, but they actually care about their employees. They pay all of the oil spill cleaners at their company a minimum wage, so it’s really not exploitation,” said a hesitant Jones. “Mr. Winthrop said he could get his helicopter pilot to bring me out to their headquarters if I really want to see for myself. I never did, but he seems like a trustworthy guy. They’re actually super chill people if you’d get to know them.”

Other members of Jones’ band Kapitalist Killers reportedly claim the band’s convictions have not changed since the beginning of this relationship.

“I will never support what these billionairss stand for until the day I die. Kapitalist Killers was created based on our members’ collective hatred for the ultra-rich and the corrupt system that values coporations more than people. I promise you, our content will continue to spread our core message. It wasn’t until Brad and Kristen started dating that we realized some of these old guys are pretty cool. They let us use their pool whenever we want,” said lead guitarist Tyler Andrews, defending his bandmate. “Besides, our newest music video ‘Down With the System’ would have never been possible without donations from Mr. Winthrop and his golfing buddies, so he’s a pretty alright guy, I guess.”

Punk anthropologist Brandon Downey weighed in on the puzzling behavioral pattern demonstrated by Jones and his relationship with the Winthrops.

“Historically, punks devote their musical intentions to raise awareness about the demise of wealth inequality,” explained Downey. “Many of these musicians have risked their lives and wellbeing to maintain their integrity against benefitting from a corrupt system. But it’s tough to maintain those convictions when you are actually benefitting from the perks of being mega-rich. Once you have a certain amount of money you are basically above the law, and that’s sort of what most punks want anyway.”

When asked about the future of Kapitalist Killers, Jones reported that the band is working on a new EP tentatively titled “Death to the Death Tax.”

Opinion: Just Because Seltzer Gives Me Heartburn Now Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Party Anymore

Posted on by Matt McInerney

You guys remember all of that wild stuff I used to do on our boys’ nights, right? Like that one time that I snorted a dehydrated ghost pepper through a crazy straw, then pounded a Flaming Sambuca shot from a melted plastic cup? Or that time I entered the Macho Nacho and Gazpacho food challenge and finished 5 pounds of soggy cheese and chips followed by 20 shots of cold acidic soup in under 10 minutes? Man, that was fuckin’ money.

Well, things are a little different now. My stomach isn’t quite the blast containment receptacle it once was. Even a seltzer will give me heartburn from time to time. But that doesn’t hold me back, I still do dope ass shit all the time.

Like last Sunday, I was cleaning my gutters and kicking back some brew dogs, when I decided to push it to the limit. I got up on my tippy toes to reach for the end cap, so I could finish the job without moving the ladder. Sure, I accidentally kicked the ladder out from under myself and the doctor said I’ll never get full mobility of that knee back, but that just means I need to be extra hardcore!

I did break my back a little bit, but you can’t expect to pull off a sick stunt without a little pain.

I’m sure you remember that time I tried to jump a fire hydrant and exploded my testicle when I snagged it on the cap. Just another story of the price you pay for being the man. Well, a little different, I’ll never walk without a limp now. I never grew my shredded nard back either.

Look, just because my stomach kicks back what’s essentially water, I can’t move my arm anymore, and I’ve only got one testicle doesn’t mean I can’t fuck shit up anymore.

This party bus keeps on rolling. I just bought a 16 rack of premixed Mai Tais, and I’m going to see how many of these bad boys I can chug before halftime of the Friars game. Then I’m going to lay down and moan for a while, inhale some crushed Rollaids to rally, and crawl back to the living room before the 4th quarter. Who’s with me?! Nobody? Okay well can you at least stick around while I use the toilet? I fall asleep on there sometimes.

Punk Takes Genealogy Test, Finds Out He’s 1/8 Goth on His Mom’s Side

Posted on by Nastasya Trudeaux

PONTIAC, Mich. — Local punk Vince Vanderberg was shocked when the results of a DNA ancestry kit revealed he had goth roots via the mother’s side of his family tree, not so shocked sources confirmed.

“I mean, I’ve always felt a bit different,” sighed Vanderberg from his bedroom with walls he painted dark red. “Like a little, kind of sad, darkness inside, where my all-consuming rage was supposed to be hanging out, ya know? It makes sense though. I’ve had a compulsion to wear a crushed velvet vest on more than one occasion, but I never acted on it. I even caught myself browsing at the pointier toed Doc Martens online, but my Punk side tends to win out when it comes to apparel.”

Vanderberg’s mom, Candice, believes her goth roots were a secret her very punk family tried to keep a secret.

“When I was a little girl I snuck into my grandparents attic and found the diary of a distant relative who called herself Helena. The whole thing was filled with bad poetry and drawings of crows, I snapped it shut and tried to forget about it,” said the matriarch as she twisted her crusty nose stud, and then flicked something from under her chipped, black nails. “I made sure I kept this from my kids, I didn’t want anyone at school calling them a poser or spraypainting ‘Bauhaus is undead’ on our driveway.’ But I’m actually sort of relieved I don’t have to carry this weight with me anymore.”

Wait, What?, the company that does the testing says there are some customers who are negatively affected by results.

“We process thousands of vials of spit a month and most people just post the results on social media and forget about it,” said Wait, What’s Director of Operations, Carmen Ito. “But, let’s say, your whole life, you thought you were mostly emo, maybe with a bit of trap mixed in. Finding out you’re even the slightest percentage of country could be quite jarring. We had one man from New York who tried to pay us $2,000 to modify his results to say he was 100% hardcore. In reality he was only 15% hardcore and a whole lot of classic rock and pop.”

Other companies offering similar testing have had anomalies such as Sully Erna being 15% Clogged Drain Gurgles, and Yoko Ono having 23% Car Alarm in her background.

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