Help! No One Liked My Solo Project So Now I’m Stuck in My Stupid, Successful Regular Band

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Justin Timberlake. Beyonce. Me. Throughout music history, there have often been stars within a group that clearly outshine the others. Stars who everyone on Earth, except the other group members, clearly saw real star power and desperately wanted them to go solo.

But oh no! My fans must be way dumber than J.T. and Queen B’s because my solo album flopped so now I have to rejoin my stupid, massively successful band.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the band. Our song “Treefrog of Life” took us across the entire world. Our second album “Make Love, Not Commercialism” bought my house. Hell, the royalties for “Hippy Poonhound (Reprise)“ alone bought my beach house! But it’s like, how many songs can we write for rich college kids who think they’re hippies? And how many times can I hear my TikTok star girlfriend, my LA party friends, and all these management firms tell me how much better I am than the other guys before I nut up and go solo?

Not many people know what it’s like to get everything you ever dreamed of at 20 and then immediately yearn for even more. Am I just supposed to repeat that tired old cycle of successful album, successful tour, successful album, successful tour until I die?

They say to surround yourself with people who inspire you and I’m all the inspiration I need.

Maybe I made too big of an artistic leap for the unimaginative masses to follow. When Timberlake and Beyonce went solo, they only had to appeal to braindead pop fans. I, on the other hand, have to appeal to braindead Grateful Dead fans. Fucking musical philistines who don’t appreciate art unless it’s printed on a tab of acid.

Anyway, that about concludes my rejoining announcement. Can’t wait to see everyone on tour. We have the best fans in the world!

Guy Who Resells Band T-Shirts Explains That the Pit Stains Don’t Matter if It Is Single Stitch

Posted on by Alexandra Johnson

TEMPE, Ariz. — Self-appointed master of thrifting Ryan Lowell is reportedly exhausted from explaining his craft to uneducated crowds low-balling him on his vintage resell Instagram page, confirmed multiple sources wearing tattered t-shirts.

“My outfit is a thrashed classic that is worth more than you make in a month,” said Lowell pointing to a hole-adorned Dead Kennedys T-shirt. “My crowd at the vintage tents look at a piece like this and know they are dealing with a master of thrift craft. I drive to a Goodwill in a low-income community every day and personally fight off a gaggle of losers who couldn’t possibly comprehend the value of the pieces I sell. I bought out the entire men’s section of a Savers and now I’m listing those garments at a fair market value, which is only about a 900% markup.”

Lowell’s seller ratings on eBay confirm his relevance in his vintage curating community by providing insight on recent items.

“Last week I bought a 100% cotton 1990 original mounted collar Primus ‘Frizzle Fry’ shirt from Ryan that is only going to skyrocket in value. This thing is near mint condition other than a free dozen stains on the front, back and sides,” reported fellow reseller Ron Gillmore, whose jeans were six sizes too big. “It is like crypto I can wear. Plus, I love to put my face into the fabric of a find and get the sweet smell of cigarettes and PBR vomit. The fresh flea market aroma always gets my blood pumping.”

Some close to Lowell are not as swept up by the vintage resell craze that has seemed to overtake his day-to-day life.

“When Ryan and I first started dating we would camp and go on hikes, but then he got his first taste of the resell life when he sold a Nine Inch Nails shirt he found in his garage for $40. Now whenever we go out it’s always a flea market or a vintage meet-up. It’s the same twelve guys buying and selling off of one another as they speak in code,” said Lowell’s girlfriend Ella Gomez. “On our three-year anniversary, we woke up at 7 a.m. to comb through the gross bins, and he found a 2001 System Of A Down Toxicity Tour T-shirt. He said it was the happiest day of his life.”

At press time, Lowell was planning an elaborate heist to steal a vintage “Bartman” shirt from an elderly neighbor who is keeping it as a tribute to his son who died in a fire in 1994.

Oh, You’re a Joy Division Fan? Name 3 Ways You’re Working on Your Mental Health, Because We Care About You

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hey, we heard you’re a real big Joy Division fan. Sure. Uh huh. If you’re such a big fan of the post-punk Manchester goth legends, how about you name three ways you’re working on your mental health, because we care about you.

We want to make sure you’re prioritizing emotional stability, and aren’t just some kind of poser. If you are feeling like you need help, there’s lots of techniques you can use to feel less alone. Unless you’re some Johnny Come Lately who just heard “Love Will Tear Us Apart” for the first time in “Donnie Darko,” then you can just fuck right off.

A lot of people claim to be fans of Joy Division, but it’s not just about black and white photos and weird dancing. Have you ever tried guided meditation? It can be a good way to relieve depression and to gain perspective on stressful situations. You know what else is stressful? Having a true love for a legendary band like Joy Division, and seeing their massive impact on your life watered down by fake fans. It’s important to remember there’s no such thing as a fake feeling, though.

And sure, a lot of Ian Curtis’ lyrics are intensely melancholy. They definitely can exacerbate intense feelings, especially negative ones. And remember, there’s no such thing as a bad feeling. There can be negative feelings and positive ones, but you should never feel bad for feeling. It’s important to remember that the legend around a tragic person isn’t the totality of experience, and that you should contextualize sadness within the framework of emotional growth, assuming again that you are not some poser-ass bitch about to get his teeth knocked in by a real fan.

Okay listen, if you’re not going to take being a Joy Division fan seriously, we’ll still have your back no matter what. We’re there for you, and will support you even if you’re some Hot Topic newbie who just bought a t-shirt because they think all those jagged lines “look cool.” Cool? Cool?! Look, asshole. That is the legendary album art designed by Peter Saville for Joy Division’s debut album “Unknown Pleasures,” and it represents the successive radio pulses from pulsar CP 1919 as discovered in 1967, but more than that, it evokes a feeling of distance, loneliness and otherworldliness that perfectly matches one of the greatest bands ever.

So, yeah, it is pretty cool. You’re very observant and a good person.

Oh, you think you like New Order too? Get some Arthur Baker remixes or get the fuck out.

Atreyu Sells Entire Catalog to Sony in Landmark $13.99 Deal

Posted on by Tom K

YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Sony Music Group announced the acquisition of all recorded works and songwriting property of metalcore outfit Atreyu in a staggering deal estimated well over ten dollars, sources close to the band confirmed.

“It’s a smart investment. The deal includes a wealth of songs from ‘Ex’s and Oh’s’ to the radio edit of ‘Ex’s and Oh’s.’ Who knows, we might reboot the ‘Crazy Taxi’ video game and one of their songs could possibly fit in somewhere,” said CEO Rob Stringer. “To be honest, I was a little strapped for cash after the big Springsteen deal so I’m happy to be dabbling in smaller markets. Right now is the perfect time to buy, ‘When We Were Young’ has stirred up a frenzy in a market that has enjoyed a stable 15 years of irrelevance.”

Early reports indicate that all negotiations took place at the band’s merch table following a sold-out homecoming show at the local rec center.

“We were just about to pack up and let the intramural basketball team take the court when this pudgy, Horace Slughorn-looking type comes up to us in a suit and tie,” said Atreyu frontman Brandon Saller. “When he told us he was interested in ‘buying our catalog’ at first I thought he meant the U-Line catalog I use as a pillow in the van. But it turns out he wanted to buy the rights to our music. He tried to lowball us by offering a few ‘slightly used’ iTunes gift cards, but I wouldn’t budge. I know our worth and fourteen bucks is more than anyone has spent on our music in a long time, and we’re looking forward to using this good momentum heading into 2022.”

The band’s lawyer, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke highly of the mammoth deal in the official Atreyu thrice-weekly email blast.

“It’s the best we could have hoped for, exceeding expectations by far. First, I made a cool six dollar commission. Second, it’s a load off my shoulders. Personally, I’m not too familiar with the band’s music,” said the lawyer. “I think I know the song from Now 9, but that may have been Adema. Either way, if I saw a commercial using vaguely generic, scream-ish type music, I wouldn’t even be sure if I should sue. So just getting rid of the rights is a huge relief.”

UPDATE: After more carefully reading the fine print of Sony’s contract, Atreyu’s Dan Jacobs released a follow-up statement, through gritted teeth, that the band is overjoyed to be the Kid’s Choice Awards house band through 2029.

5 True Crime Podcasts Ranked by How Close They Came To Catching Me

Posted on by Dan Rice

Gruesome crimes, small towns full of secrets, and a tireless hunt for justice. These days people just can’t get enough of compelling true crime stories, and to those people I say “You’re welcome.”

As the serialized killer that the media has dubbed “The Torso Taker” I take a lot of pride in contributing to your commute-time entertainment. Here are the top 5 podcasts to cover my horrific acts, ranked by how easy it was for me to slip through the hosts fingers like so many grains of sand.

5. Into The Blue
This one was not even close. Instead of playing detective, these jabronis decided to focus on police corruption and inefficiency. Sure they made some solid points, but points didn’t stop me from killing 6 more victims, did they?

4. Torso Town
A professional podcast that presents the facts of the case in a clear and concise manner, I just have two minor notes:
-The host’s voice is a little nasally.
-They failed to identify me as the killer or even a suspect.
I can forgive one or the other, but not both. Have at it if you’re a completest, otherwise skip ahead.

3. The Last Thing They Saw
These true crime investigators were the first to really give me a run for my money! They were the first to connect me with more than one victim, and got me admitting to a sexual relationship with one of them which I initially lied to the police about, on mic! Unfortunately a more interesting crime took place a few counties over, so they packed up and left, just when they almost had me!

2. Who Could Have Done Such A Thing?
This was my podcast, which I started in an effort to lead investigations into the wrong direction and take some of the heat off of myself when the walls felt like they were closing in. You would think that a podcast I hosted to generate red herrings would be nowhere near this list and yet here it is at number 2. Why? Because I just couldn’t stop referring to the murderer as “I.” Pretty dumb mistake but I’ve never been on mic before, it makes you nervous!

While this show is essentially a misinformation campaign, I do present some pretty compelling evidence and theories that, while lies, are pretty interesting and I still think it’s worth a listen.

1. Scooby Gang
The one that caught me, can’t give much more of a glowing recommendation than that! Thanks to the hosts of this show I am behind bars serving 8 consecutive life sentences and I still gave it 5 stars on Apple, that’s how good it is. I’m a true crime fan first and a true crime doer second. You do not want to skip this one.

And hey, why not check out “Who Could Have Done Such A Thing” while you’re at it. I’m not saying it’s as good, but it totally has its charms and makes a great companion-listen all things considered.

Man Pours Beer on Himself Before Show to Get it Over With

Posted on by Char Byram

PORTLAND — Local man Dave Hart decided to take the initiative and saturate himself with copious amounts of beer prior to the show he’ll be attending tonight, having been repeatedly wetted by people’s beverages while seeing bands play in the past.

“It’s better to just get this out of the way now so I can get used to the sticky feeling and bad smell,” said Hart while pouring out a can of PBR over his head, the golden stream cascading down his chin onto his shirt. “Plus, people tend to avoid you when you show up all wet. If all goes according to plan then nobody will bump into me and I’ll only be mildly damp by the time the headliner goes on while everyone else is getting absolutely blasted by spilled beer. I might even fill up the bathtub with a keg next time to make sure I’m fully soaked, at a fraction of the cost!”

While sympathetic to his approach, Hart’s roommate Steve Ossoff feels that he’s going to extreme lengths and ruining the experience for himself and others.

“Yeah, he took my six-pack out of the fridge and just started dousing himself with them one after the other right in the middle of the kitchen,” said Ossoff. “Dave could have done it outside on the deck or brought the kiddie pool we use to wash the dog inside and stood in that, but no. Instead I ended up slipping in the puddle of body beer and tweaked my wrist really bad. I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make, if he doesn’t want people to spill shit on him then just stand in the back and stop wasting all my alcohol.”

Rex Nelson, a bartender working at different punk venues for several years, thinks this behavior detracts from business and the overall vibe of the atmosphere.

“When people cover themselves head to toe in beer at home instead of waiting until they get here, our sales really take a hit,” explained Nelson. “Like, you‘re just being stingy to pre-game by drenching yourself in beer rather than forking over a few dollars to have a sip or two before someone smashes into you and everything ends up on someone else’s pants. It’s totally antithetical to why anyone buys drinks at shows in the first place, which is to slop it onto some random person as you try to get past and in turn get it spilled onto yourself.”

At press time, Hart was seen in the parking lot rubbing trash juice onto his upper lip to prepare himself for the smell of the venue bathroom.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

We Sat Down With a Previously Uncontacted Aboriginal Tribe Whose Favorite Movie Is Still “Fight Club”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Anthropology is amazing. By studying the customs of isolated and nomadic peoples we can glean invaluable insights into our own origins. In the heart of South America, a mining scout recently discovered a tribe previously unknown to Western civilization, the Mayhemashi, who have gone so long without contact from the outside world that their favorite film is still David Fincher’s “Fight Club.”

In our modernized culture, “Fight Club” stopped being our favorite movie a long time ago somewhere between 1999 and 2007. But among these isolated people, “Fight Club” fandom is a living, breathing part of daily life.

One truly feels like a time traveler walking amongst this simple mud hut colony. Hunters emerge from the jungle with the night’s feast of wild boar hoisted on their backs to the cheers of the tribe. Elder’s perform ritualistic dances to thank the Gods for such a bounty. Other men do half-assed Jeet Kune Do routines and sardonically quip things like “I am Jack’s dwindling sense of gratitude,” still an accepted form of alpha posturing.

We tried to interview the tribe’s leader but apparently they’ve learned to function without central leadership, as their mythology centers around everyone being an equally insignificant cog in the “all singing all dancing crap of the world.” Instead, we interviewed the tribesman with the coolest sunglasses and jacket, who seemed to be sort of low-key running the show anyway.

The Hard Times: Thank you for agreeing to speak to us on your people and their ways.
Tribesman: I am Jack’s disarmed interviewee.
Interpreter: He doesn’t know what to make of you quite yet.

I guess you can call me your single serving reporter.
That’s very clever. How’s that working out for you? Being clever?
He’s calling you out on your bullshit.

Yeah, I know. So Fight Club deals with a lot of very Western themes like capitalism and consumerism. How is it that those themes resonate so hard with a culture that has no concept of such things?
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!
He is challenging your status as an expert.

Yeah, no I get it. I don’t think we’ll be needing you actually, thanks. May I ask what it is that you are all working on?
We are building a Starbucks.

Why are you building a Starbucks?
So that Project Mayhem can destroy it because Starbucks is bullshit.
Hey, why do I hear Tom Wait’s “Goin Out West” playing? And why is everyone gathering in that hut?
If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight.
Oh, uhm, none for me thanks!
I would go with them if I were you. These people have some very strange circumcision rituals for people who piss them off.

The Killers Issue Apology for Not Rhyming “Stomach is Sick” with “Touching His Dick”

Posted on by John Danek

LAS VEGAS — Radio rock stalwarts The Killers apologized to fans yesterday morning after realizing that they missed an obvious, optimal rhyme in their legendary song “Mr. Brightside.”

“A lot of people assume we didn’t rhyme ‘stomach is sick’ with ‘touching his dick’ because of my religious beliefs but the truth is much darker,” admitted frontman Brandon Flowers, a lifelong Mormon. “I … I just didn’t think of it. And for that, I’m sorry. I refuse to ever pull up RhymeZone while writing lyrics. So I just figured that no words rhyme with ‘sick,’ kinda like ‘orange.’”

“We’ve been consulting with Elvis Costello, Robert Smith, and Paramore about what to do with problematic songs,” continued Flowers. “I’m leaning towards never playing it again and taking it out of radio rotation. It’s not like there’s anything beyond multi-platinum.”

The Killers’ guitarist Dave Keuning asked that the band’s fans give them some grace at this difficult moment.

“We’ve never said we are perfect, and we are learning from our mistakes,” lamented Keuning, who was reportedly studying George Carlin’s seven words to avoid future incidents. “Sure, we’re Mormon but we’re no prudes — you can almost see the outline of a nipple on the ‘Mr. Brightside’ album artwork. Anyways, our next hit is going to have a word like ‘tits’ or ‘cock’ in it, so be on the lookout for that.”

Fans speculated wildly as to the cause for the band’s sudden realization.

“It was me, I was in the front row of one of the last Killers shows before COVID, and I shouted ‘dick’ instead of ‘chest’,” confessed Aubrey Dunne, diehard fan of the band. “My friends and I always swap the words when we sing in the car and have a good laugh. But when I did it at the show, Brandon was only a few feet away from me. He stopped, looked dazed for a minute, and missed the next line while he stared off into space. It was like I was watching his brain get rewired in real-time. I hope he can recover from this.”

The band’s soul-searching reportedly deepens, as they are considering scrapping the chorus of the hit “Human” due to grammatical errors.

Heartbroken Mighty Mighty Bosstones Fan Can’t Find Any Depressing Ska to Reflect Mood

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Completely brokenhearted by the news of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones disbandment, longtime fan Travis McMurray struggled to find any depressing ska music to reflect his gloomy mood, sources who’ve never seen him so down yet still kind of upbeat confirmed.

“Who is the Elliot Smith of ska?” asked McMurray while thumbing through Reel Big Fish’s and Less Than Jake’s discography to no avail. “You would think there would be at least one ska song that doesn’t have a cheerful horn section, encouraging upstroke guitar strumming, or a buoyant pun that reminds us that we are on this Earth to have a good time at a bowling alley in 1997. But here I am, unable to experience the full spectrum of sadness thanks to this genre. It must be like how Radiohead fans can’t feel true happiness because you can’t skank to OK Computer. I totally get it now.”

Those close to McMurray were starting to worry about his mental state.

“I’ve never seen anyone trying to be so depressed in my life,” said McMurray’s partner Emerson Travers. “He’s trying real hard to mourn the loss of the Bosstones. He attempted to stay in bed all day but could only make it until 7:00 am. Then I caught him searching online for all black Hawaiian shirts before vowing to not wear checkerboard Vans for the rest of the day. For real, just listen to The Cure and allow your sad thoughts to wreck you emotionally for months at a time already. That’s the healthy way to deal with heartache.”

Experts know all too well the shortcomings of the genre.

“The problem with ska is that it only reflects one human emotion, which just so happens to be a positive one,” said music critic Tracy Landers. “But that’s kind of what makes ska so unique. A good 99% of all other music genres deal exclusively with sad emotions. Not ska though. It’s like a bouncy castle set to music. Sure, you won’t turn to it when you’re down in the dumps. But those one or two days a year that you actually feel pretty good, ska will be there for you. That’s pretty much it though.”

At press time, McMurray decided to listen to ska again after thinking that maybe feeling anguish wasn’t for him.

David Crosby Inexplicably Demands Spotify Choose Between Him and 99% Invisible Podcast

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Legendary folk rock musician David Crosby has inexplicably demanded in an open letter released this morning that streaming giant Spotify choose between him and the 99% Invisible podcast.

“I am doing this because Spotify is acting in bad faith by hosting both my music and 99% Invisible,” Crosby wrote in his open letter. “They can have the various albums I have recorded with Stephen Stills, Graham Nash and Neil Young, or the ones with just me and Graham, or the ones from my jazz rock project with my son, and I also think I have some solo albums. It can be hard to keep straight. By forcing me to share a platform with 99% Invisible and their potentially dangerous examinations of overlooked aspects of design and architecture, they put me in the untenable position of drawing a moral line. Ball’s in your court, Spotify.”

Roman Mars, the host, producer and creator of 99% Invisible, was as confused as anyone else upon reading the statement.

“I really don’t know what we’ve done to provoke Mr. Crosby,” said Mars while scrolling through back episodes for any hints. “We pretty much discuss things like how the Superman logo was redesigned from a police badge or what makes The Chrysler Building an icon of American architecture. I don’t think we’ve ever mentioned David Crosby on air. Or even anything having to do with anything he might care about. But frankly, that guy once left a loaded gun, a bunch of knives and like an ounce of weed in a hotel, then just casually strolled back for it, so I don’t want to get on his bad side.”

Spotify Vice President in Charge of Public Relations Alessandra Bird did not have an immediate answer for what the company would do.

“Okay, I’ll be honest,” said Bird. “This caught us all off guard. Here at Spotify, we’re pretty used to defending the incredibly low royalty rates we pay to musicians, and our tacit support of white supremacist political movements by hosting their podcasts. We have a whole playbook for what to do about that. We respect David Crosby’s incredible body of musical work and contributions to rock music, and we also are pleased to promote educational and entertaining shows like 99% Invisible. We hope to be able to settle this amicably. We’re sure Mr. Crosby will miss the twenty-seven cents he draws in each month from streaming royalties.”

As of press time, Graham Nash was sitting quietly in his living room, bothering no one.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.