Press "Enter" to skip to content

Help! No One Liked My Solo Project So Now I’m Stuck in My Stupid, Successful Regular Band

Justin Timberlake. Beyonce. Me. Throughout music history, there have often been stars within a group that clearly outshine the others. Stars who everyone on Earth, except the other group members, clearly saw real star power and desperately wanted them to go solo.

But oh no! My fans must be way dumber than J.T. and Queen B’s because my solo album flopped so now I have to rejoin my stupid, massively successful band.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the band. Our song “Treefrog of Life” took us across the entire world. Our second album “Make Love, Not Commercialism” bought my house. Hell, the royalties for “Hippy Poonhound (Reprise)“ alone bought my beach house! But it’s like, how many songs can we write for rich college kids who think they’re hippies? And how many times can I hear my TikTok star girlfriend, my LA party friends, and all these management firms tell me how much better I am than the other guys before I nut up and go solo?

Not many people know what it’s like to get everything you ever dreamed of at 20 and then immediately yearn for even more. Am I just supposed to repeat that tired old cycle of successful album, successful tour, successful album, successful tour until I die?

They say to surround yourself with people who inspire you and I’m all the inspiration I need.

Maybe I made too big of an artistic leap for the unimaginative masses to follow. When Timberlake and Beyonce went solo, they only had to appeal to braindead pop fans. I, on the other hand, have to appeal to braindead Grateful Dead fans. Fucking musical philistines who don’t appreciate art unless it’s printed on a tab of acid.

Anyway, that about concludes my rejoining announcement. Can’t wait to see everyone on tour. We have the best fans in the world!