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Guy Who Resells Band T-Shirts Explains That the Pit Stains Don’t Matter if It Is Single Stitch

TEMPE, Ariz. — Self-appointed master of thrifting Ryan Lowell is reportedly exhausted from explaining his craft to uneducated crowds low-balling him on his vintage resell Instagram page, confirmed multiple sources wearing tattered t-shirts.

“My outfit is a thrashed classic that is worth more than you make in a month,” said Lowell pointing to a hole-adorned Dead Kennedys T-shirt. “My crowd at the vintage tents look at a piece like this and know they are dealing with a master of thrift craft. I drive to a Goodwill in a low-income community every day and personally fight off a gaggle of losers who couldn’t possibly comprehend the value of the pieces I sell. I bought out the entire men’s section of a Savers and now I’m listing those garments at a fair market value, which is only about a 900% markup.”

Lowell’s seller ratings on eBay confirm his relevance in his vintage curating community by providing insight on recent items.

“Last week I bought a 100% cotton 1990 original mounted collar Primus ‘Frizzle Fry’ shirt from Ryan that is only going to skyrocket in value. This thing is near mint condition other than a free dozen stains on the front, back and sides,” reported fellow reseller Ron Gillmore, whose jeans were six sizes too big. “It is like crypto I can wear. Plus, I love to put my face into the fabric of a find and get the sweet smell of cigarettes and PBR vomit. The fresh flea market aroma always gets my blood pumping.”

Some close to Lowell are not as swept up by the vintage resell craze that has seemed to overtake his day-to-day life.

“When Ryan and I first started dating we would camp and go on hikes, but then he got his first taste of the resell life when he sold a Nine Inch Nails shirt he found in his garage for $40. Now whenever we go out it’s always a flea market or a vintage meet-up. It’s the same twelve guys buying and selling off of one another as they speak in code,” said Lowell’s girlfriend Ella Gomez. “On our three-year anniversary, we woke up at 7 a.m. to comb through the gross bins, and he found a 2001 System Of A Down Toxicity Tour T-shirt. He said it was the happiest day of his life.”

At press time, Lowell was planning an elaborate heist to steal a vintage “Bartman” shirt from an elderly neighbor who is keeping it as a tribute to his son who died in a fire in 1994.