The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Screamo Band Not The Same Since Therapy

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Sean Peecook

PHILADELPHIA — Local screamo legends, Angel, played an uncharacteristically mellow and peaceful set in their first show since attending EMDR therapy, shocked members of the hardcore scene confirmed.

“I’m happy they’re getting the help they need, but how am I supposed to mosh to this Burt Bacharach shit?” said longtime member of the scene, Barry Cahn, who noted that the amps were set to alarmingly reasonable levels. “They’re not shrieking and breaking things anymore, and I’m pretty sure they changed the lyrics to this one song from ‘leave me suffocating on a pool of blood, I will never make you happy,’ to ‘my love for you makes me want to die… that’s why we should take some space to process. All the best!’ I mean, it sounds like they’re doing well as people, but this shit really sucks now.”

Close friend of the band Eric Giardi struggles to remain positive as the group learns to channel their anger into more constructive outlets than pounding on drums and yelling.

“One show they led the crowd in self-soothing exercises, another they performed an acoustic set complete with piano accompaniment. None of the other bands want to open for daily affirmations,” said a frustrated Giardi. “They don’t listen to me anymore, they only listen to that counselor Jan. They’re trying to book a tour but at this rate no one is going to pay $6 to watch some guy sip tea and talk about attachment styles in relationships and effective communication.”

Rebranding their band to “mindfulcore,” the band has stopped singing about topics like death, consumerism and heartbreak altogether.

“That harsh screaming was simply my wounded ego talking. It was immature. With the help of Dr. Jan, I’ve finally processed my breakup from 2003,” said lead singer Tor Deighton. “Honestly, I don’t feel the need to yell at all anymore ever since I realized anger is just the fear of being unheard. I don’t need to howl, I need to forgive my father. And the next time I feel like screaming, I’m going to take two deep breaths and pick up the phone instead, just like Dr. Jan says.”

At showtime, fans of local jam band, Velvet Babies, said that the band has not been the same ever since being mandated to drug court.

Woman Keeps Accidentally Running Into Ex at Bar He’s Worked at Since 2017

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Dianne Nora

SEATTLE – Gail Glover has had the repeated misfortune of accidentally running into her ex-boyfriend Joel Buckner at McGregor’s Brewpub, the bar he’s worked at since 2017, according to multiple sources who continually beg her to drink somewhere else.

“This is so my luck, to be unable to avoid Joel almost every time I grab a drink at McGregor’s, which is conveniently only a few miles out of the way of my apartment,” Glover said, discreetly snapping a photo of the bar’s staff schedule on her phone. “I’m totally over him, like, I hardly even fantasize about him these days—I can’t even remember the names I’d picked out for our future children before he ended things. Actually, it might have been me who called things off. Hard to say, because I’m so chill about it. It’s just a super cool, chill memory that I have completely repressed from my consciousness.”

Buckner confirmed he has seen Glover at his place of employment with increasing regularity over the past several months, though he does not recall seeing her there before the two met.

“Gail doesn’t even like beer, she has a gluten thing and it really messes up her stomach. It’s not like we have much in terms of cocktails here, so I’m not really sure why she hangs around so much,” Buckner said, lowering his voice to avoid Glover overhearing him. “It’s getting kind of intense. I think she’s under the impression my coworker Janine and I are dating now, because Gail saw us talking one night after work, and the next day someone had slashed Janine’s tires.”

Relationship counselor Danielle Greer advised her clients that frequent run-ins with a former fling can be a sign that things between you are unresolved.

“Surveys have shown that many relationships include some breaks that might not be permanent, particularly when the couple lives in the same neighborhood, or if both parties just aren’t hot enough to find someone new,” Greer confirmed. “If you’re hoping to re-kindle things with a former flame, I recommend making it clear that you have no other prospects, and that while you might not have been willing to settle before, the new you is so defeated by the lack of suitable potential mates that you’ll put up with just about anything. Nothing is more relatable than someone owning the fact that they’ve completely given up.”

At press time, Glover was mortified to run into Buckner walking his dog across the street from his apartment, where she had coincidentally spent the night camped out in her Civic with a pair of binoculars.

Hopeful Idiot Certain Guitar Lessons Will Pay for Themselves

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Brooks Gray

TAMPA, Fla. – 36-year-old freelance Data Entry Technician, Albert Boychuk, made the decision to invest in guitar lessons after buying his first guitar, and expects the initial expense to be far exceeded by his future earnings as a professional musician, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I picked up my cousin’s guitar at a family gathering last week, and it felt so good in my hands,” said Boychuk. “The next day I bought a brand new Gibson Slash J-45, which I can’t really afford, but in another sense, I couldn’t afford not to buy it. I could waste away in an office job or I could be on the big stage ripping off huge solos and making people lose their fucking minds. It sounds crazy, but I know that playing music is my true calling, and I figure if I can find the right teacher to give me a few pointers, it could lead to massive success down the road. I bet by this time next year I’ll be doing some studio work, and then the stadium tours will follow.”

Local guitar instructor, Emilio Esterhas, reported that Mr. Boychuk approached him about lessons, but has not yet decided to take him on as a student.

“I explained to Albert that I only teach advanced players. I told him to sell that J-45, get a used Yamaha and start with some guitar basics you can find on YouTube, then call me in like, five to ten years,” said Esterhas. “He laughed at me and said in two years I’ll be begging him for lessons. Guys like that normally quit after the first two lessons. If he really wants to pay me $75 dollars an hour to teach him how to play an open D chord, who am I to argue with him?”

A&R representative for EMI, Lori Chowdhury warned against the self-delusion that a career in music is a realistic outcome.

“No offense, but a balding man with crooked teeth would have been a million-to-one shot to make it in 1972, let alone 2022, and that’s assuming top-level talent,” said Chowdhury, “Rightly or wrongly, breaking into the music business these days means being young, hot, and having a TikTok and Instagram presence in the millions before anyone will take you even semi-seriously. Anyway, I wish the guy all the best on his musical journey, but if he shows up at my office with a demo I will instruct security to break his hands.”

At press time, Boychuk was seen in a heated argument with a customer service rep in the returns department at Guitar Center.

5 Flirty Ways To Let Your Captor Know You Have Stockholm Syndrome

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Look at them over there, lookin’ all cute holding a gun to a bank teller’s head. You can’t stop thinking about them as the rope scratches the skin on your tied-up wrists. And you didn’t even think you were into that kind of thing! Well, you weren’t. Until now. You’ve gotta make your move before the SWAT team busts in, but you can’t be too forward about it. That’s why you’re gonna use these 5 flirty ways to let him know you’ve developed full-blown Stockholm Syndrome.

Eye Contact
You might find it hard to meet the gaze of the person you’re destined to be with. But there’s no better way to communicate that you’ve been bound in itchy rope for so long that you have lost the ability to differentiate between a heartfelt emotional connection and being held against your will.

Laugh at Their Jokes
The other hostages might not think your ski-masked captor is funny, but you know better! These dum-dums just don’t get his wry humor like when he shot that security guard in the stomach and let him bleed out while pleading for help that would never come. It’s just too edgy for these snowflakes, I guess! Just make sure your laugh doesn’t sound forced or desperate. Have some chill.

Touch Your Hair a Lot
We won’t lie, the power imbalance between you and your captor may have pushed you beyond your understanding of the nature of your relationship. But sex appeal sells, so use it!

Offer the Other Captives as a Sacrifice to the One Who Slumbers Below Ice
You learned this flirty little trick when you were in that Eldritch cult so this one may be scenario specific. But hey, it’s worth a shot!

Write Them a Little Note
If all else fails, put your thoughts down on one of the hundred dollar bills that are now littering the air like confetti after a misplaced explosive destroyed the bank vault door along with everything inside it. Use the resulting panic of your captor to assure him that you can provide a stable life once this all blows over.

All-ages Venue Considering Cut-off Age at 32

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Jose Balderas

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local all-ages punk venue, The Back House, recently began to inform their patrons about an upcoming age cut-off of 32 for all shows that has been met with both praise and disappointment from frequent guests of the club.

“To be completely honest we’ve just had way too many complaints from the younger kids. We’re being constantly informed of adults nearing 40-years-old who approach teens trying to blend in and it’s causing them to either think they’re perverts or cops,” stated venue owner Gerry Bird. “And from a business perspective just having anyone above the age of 32 skyrockets our insurance costs. Kids get kicked in the face in the pit and high-five each other after. Last week a guy stumbled on the doormat in our front hall and tore his ACL. He was already phoning his lawyer when he was getting loaded into the ambulance.”

Attendees at the recent Super Violent Turtles ska show welcomed the new strict rule in a place where most rules are only loosely followed.

“At first, it was kinda cool to see older people here because they would have stories about bands that already broke up and sometimes they would give us cigarettes,” said 17-year-old P.J. Mei. “But after a few shows we’d see the same grown-ups and it was just like ‘bro, don’t you have a family? I know you do because your daughter is in my gym class.’ It’s tiring seeing all these adults in the front because they get there so early but then complain about the pushing.”

While there is overwhelming support from many of the younger regulars the new restrictions have left certain fans and even pop-punk band Split 7, who has an upcoming show there, in a tough spot.

“None of us are under 35 so we don’t really know if we’re even welcomed here anymore,” said Jeffrey Cauldron, guitarist for the band. “The venue said we can play but we have to be escorted onto the stage and off and to minimize contact with anyone under 32. They also gave us a list of appropriate phrases we can say as between-song banter and that if we deviate from that script they will have uniformed police officers ready to remove us from the building.”

As of press time, The Back House’s once-popular “Emo Night” was canceled because the new age limits completely exclude all former attendees.

Couple Hangs Mirror Above Bed So They Can Watch Themselves Have Grubhub

Posted on January 30, 2022 by Literally A Koala

PHOENIX — Local couple Mia Jaquish and Timothy Sickler spiced up their relationship by hanging a mirror above their bed so they can watch themselves engaged in the filthy act of eating takeout, sources close to the adventurous pair confirm.

“Things were getting pretty stale in the bedroom. It was the same routine every night. We would order Thai food, one of us would spill some sauce on the sheets, and then we would fall asleep in each other’s leftovers. But watching ourselves support local restaurants really brought the spark back into our relationship,” said Jaquish between large handfuls of steak cut french fries. “It feels so naughty to watch ourselves eat from every angle. Sometimes I’ll just look at the ceiling while Tim goes to fucking town on Buffalo wings and it really makes me salivate.”

Sickler says eating isn’t the only bedroom activity that the mirror has improved.

“Rewatching The Office is way more exciting now,” says Sickler. ”Plus, I’ll literally lay in bed and stare at my phone all day long, so having the mirror there makes it seem like I’m doing that with a friend. Also, I fucking love watching people eat. In college, I used to watch people eat on the internet at least once a day, sometimes multiple times a day. I always thought I’d be too insecure to watch myself eat, but having a loving, supportive partner who likes trying new things in bed has made me a lot more comfortable in my own skin. We’d love to take it to the next level one day and eat in public.”

Renowned Marriage counselor and author of “When To Tell Your Spouse You’ve Been Fantasizing About Their Siblings” Janet Rothcamp says hanging a mirror above the bed is one of the best things couples can do to help elevate their relationship.

“It’s so important to celebrate the things we do in bed because our beds bridge the gap between America’s two favorite things: eating and sleeping,” says Rothcamp. ”It’s no coincidence that we tend to eat and sleep more when we’re in a relationship. This is because both eating and sleeping distract us from having to talk to our partners. The more we eat and sleep, the less we have to think about how unnatural monogamy is.”

At press time, Jaquish and Sickler were once again going through the motions of sucking off the DoorDash delivery guy while pointing loaded guns at each other’s heads.

Kid Who Got Guitar for Christmas Announces Indefinite Hiatus

Posted on January 30, 2022 by John Danek

SARASOTA, Fla. – 6th grader and budding musician Wyatt Backstrom announced that he was stepping away from the Squier Strat he received for Christmas for the foreseeable future, his furious parents reported.

“After weeks of soul-searching, I have realized that my heart just isn’t in the music anymore. I’m taking a much-needed step away from the guitar,” announced Backstrom, who hadn’t yet mastered an open G chord. “For me to continue would be nothing more than going through the motions, and my fans deserve better. I aim to devote more time to ‘Fortnite’ and ‘Minecraft,’ and have changed my Twitch name from WyattGuitar to WyattThaN00bPwner. Please respect my privacy at this time, unless you want to subscribe.”

Wyatt’s father Oliver Backstrom is reportedly not handling the news of the hiatus well.

“God damnit! He begged us for a guitar all fall after seeing someone do a two-hand tapping lick on TikTok and he gave up the moment he realized you actually have to put in a little bit of work to figure it out,” growled Mr. Backstrom, who was excited to share his passion for guitar with his first-born son. “I printed out the tabs for King Crimson’s ‘21st Century Schizoid Man’ and Wire’s ‘Pink Flag’, both of which he gave up on immediately. He almost learned the power chords to Olivia Rodrigo’s ‘good 4 u’ but I had to get him off that pop-punk hack bullshit. Whelp, he’s about to learn a lesson in economics because I’m making him sell the guitar on Craigslist himself.”

Fans of Wyatt expressed their devastation over the pause of his career in many colorful ways.

“I can’t believe it, his music changed my life, like the one snap he sent to me of him posing with the guitar even though the amp was off,” said classmate Kyla Walker, who is speculated to have a crush on Wyatt. “At least I have all his previous works to go back to, saved on my phone’s Camera Roll. But I guess I support whatever is best for Wyatt in the long run, as long as it ends with us getting married.”

As of press time, Backstrom is reportedly titillating fans with clues on social media about his next career move which may feature requesting a dirt bike, snowboard, or Sony Playstation 5 for his birthday.

We Compared These Strains of Sativa and Indica Because We Can’t Ever Just Enjoy Anything

Posted on January 30, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

What’s up, friends of the bud? If you’re like us, you don’t treat marijuana like something to huff out of a beer can bong with your college friends on some porch. We’ve come a long way from smoking some stem-and-seed, oregano-ass ditch weed.

These days, we put some actual science and critical thinking into what we use to get wicked high, and maybe that’s symptomatic of how we can never just relax and enjoy ourselves. So check out our comparisons of different sativa and indica strains and their flavors, after-tastes, heft, crystallization, mouth-feel and scent profiles, because everything needs to be a project!

Uncle Johnnycakes: This popular strain of sativa was crossbred from the Fester Addams and Pancake Heaven, which gives it a sweet, syrupy taste and an electric head high. It definitely will help you keep active and creative, which just means you’ll be alert to turn what should be a relaxing moment into work. Like we always do.

Wet Womp: On the other hand, this sour as hell indica is pungent, astringent and many testers call it “euphoric.” Not that you’d know, because if we so much as feel content, we have to figure out how to replicate that until it disappears like a waking dream.

Verdict: Uncle Johnnycakes! This sick skunkadunk was super flavorful and refreshing, just what the doctor ordered. Unlike our therapist Dr. Gundersen, who told us we need to work on mindfulness.

Lambrusco Supernova: Just like its namesake sparkling wine, this sativa packs a wallop! Its profile is crisp and slightly tingly and we already wish we could have just smoked and sat and laughed with our friends, instead of demanding they give us detailed descriptions of the sensation. Why do they even hang out with us?

Mangosia: Tropical as hell, buddy! This hybrid is a blend of pineapple, mango, and guava flavors, and made us feel like we were ready for a nap on a white sand beach in the Maldives. But knowing us, we’d probably be compelled to go and explore and rate everything around us, even though we should just learn to sit and rest.

Verdict: Mangosia! Packing this indica in your bowl is like biting into a perfectly ripe mango and letting the juice run down your chin, which we have never done. Probably never will.

Q Branch: Welcome, 00-Stoner! This sativa was developed by those mad grass scientists in the UK and reportedly is a hybrid of the Grass with the Golden Gun and an unknown funk. Highly regarded for its tingly, energizing effects, it just makes us think how we use experimentation and cataloging results as a way to avoid being in the moment. Damn.

Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em: Our buddy Todd described Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em as “heavy as a thick ass bassline,” which doesn’t make any sense at all, but look at him. He’s just enjoying this shit, not overthinking it. We never thought we’d envy Todd. But he has it all figured out, man.

Verdict: Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em, we guess. Why the fuck not.

The verdict on all of these is the same. We really need help. It’s no kind of life to constantly be judging and rating and evaluating, just to feel like you’re constantly productive. We’re going to talk to Dr. Gundersen about this. Right after we break down these episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” to which has the wildest Barney story.

Goddamit, we’re doing it again.

Ex-Screamo Frontman Reminded Not To Put Entire Headset In Mouth During Zoom Meeting

Posted on January 30, 2022 by Corey Montgomery

KETTERING, Ohio — Ex-Screamo Frontman Buster Krull was once again reminded that he did not have to lodge his entire headset into his mouth to be heard during a work meeting conducted over Zoom.

“It’s just incredibly distracting,” explained Krull’s supervisor, Bridget Larson. “He’s a great kid, and he does a lot of phenomenal work here at Ambit Customer Solutions, but every single time he speaks during our afternoon meeting it’s unbelievably loud and distorted. Without fail, I pull up his square in the call to find he’s shoved his entire headset in his mouth. In one instance, which I have documented and added to his file, I saw that he had been hanging upside down from a pipe in his basement office for the entirety of the meeting. This is a place of business, not some circus.”

While Krull understood that his professional style isn’t always going to be a good fit for everyone, he still reported frustration over his management team’s attempt to stifle his individuality.

“I had to adjust to be taken seriously as a frontman. I learned quickly in the scene that the only way to get the most out of my voice was to practically inhale my mic. Not only that, it looks cool as fuck,” stated Krull. “In the corporate world, much like the screamo world, you need to do whatever you can to stand out. I choose to accentuate my high-pitched screaming to assert dominance over the entire Zoom sesh. If you ask me, Bridget’s just afraid I’m going to steal her job.”

Behavioral Therapist Laura Derning, who specializes in Ex-Screamo societal reintegration, explained that Krull’s predicament is one that she sees often.

“Often my clients have a lot of trouble differentiating the real world from the youth center stages that once hosted them. I actually had to call an ambulance when one of my patients passed out during a telehealth appointment,” noted Derning. “Turns out they had an AirPod stuck in their windpipe. I’m currently working with a former singer from a heavier band that was just let go from an accounting position for repeatedly typing ‘LET’S OPEN UP THIS MOTHERFUCKING GOOGLE DOC’ into the chat. That doc is restricted to only people with the link, and they knew that.”

At press time, Krull was being asked to turn his camera off before performing spin kicks across his living room.

Photo by Jana Miller.

10 Best Minor Characters On “The Sopranos”

Posted on January 29, 2022 by Jerrod Kingery

As we get set to revisit the world of “The Sopranos” with the prequel movie “The Many Saints of Newark,” we decided to take a look back at the lesser-known cast of characters that fleshed out the North Jersey mob. You know Tony, Christopher, Silvio, Paulie Walnuts and Big Pussy, but do you remember these wiseguys?

Kristof Maccaviti

After falling out of favor with his uncle Tony due to a botched hijacking of a Kitchen Aid mixer delivery, Christopher Moltisanti devised a serum he called “cool juice” to alter his DNA, transforming him from the temperamental, drug-addicted Christopher into the ultra-smooth Kristof for just one episode.

Watony

Following the untimely death of actress Nancy Marchand, “Sopranos” creator David Chase hastily developed this new arch-enemy for Tony Soprano to fill the hole left by the loss of his evil mother Livia. Viewers revolted, however, and the Watony character was killed when the pig statue above Satriale’s fell on his head.

“Papa John” Schnatter

The real-life Papa John’s Pizza founder played himself in a season 2 episode after opening a restaurant near the Bada Bing strip club. However, Schnatter proved to be too racist even for the notoriously problematic Soprano crew, and the character was found dead in his own pizza oven by New Jersey State Police.

Big Mouth Billy Bass

The animatronic novelty fish appeared in multiple episodes, often the target of Tony’s rage due to its similarity to a prophetic dream he had about friend-turned-informant Big Pussy. But his most memorable appearance came in a season 6 episode wherein he scammed the hapless Artie Bucco out of $20,000 in a counterfeit pasta sauce scheme.

DJ $hoot Yo Azz

Oh, god, remember every time the show tried to feature a character who was in the world of hip-hop, and they had some stupid name or talked in every cliche in the book and were a borderline racist charcature? Yeesh.

Mafioso La Cosa Nostra

Every appearance of this season one character, a stereotypical aging mob boss who spoke broken English and was playing both sides of the Junior/Tony scuffle, was often accompanied by a low-key violin score and seated at a candlelit table. Allegedly, HBO execs demanded the inclusion of the character after every scene of Meadow Soprano talking about going to college or whatever so viewers would remember they were actually watching a show about the mafia.

The Magnificent Magooz

This floating orange alien from the planet Ooloo, who only Tony could see, was added during the 5th season. Magooz, who called Tony “dingbat,” had the power to make all of Tony’s wishes come true, but often with ironic consequences.

The goat who was friends with Pie-O-My

A little-known extra on the season 4 DVD release features a day in the life of Knuckles, the goat who lived at the stables with Ralph Cifaretto’s racehorse Pie-O-My. Knuckles is stolen by a group of drunken frat boys from Rutgers, but teaches them a valuable lesson on respecting others’ property, before returning to find Ralph had burnt down the stables. Also, the goat can talk.

Optimus Prime

Sure, he didn’t transform and never talked, but creator David Chase has confirmed that the truck Brendan Filone and Christopher Moltisanti hijack in season 1the noble Autobot leader.

9/11 and the death of America’s innocence

Though these characters didn’t make an appearance until season 4, they’ve left the biggest mark on society by far. Plus, it gave the show’s characters a whole new group of people to be unrepentantly racist toward.