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We Compared These Strains of Sativa and Indica Because We Can’t Ever Just Enjoy Anything

What’s up, friends of the bud? If you’re like us, you don’t treat marijuana like something to huff out of a beer can bong with your college friends on some porch. We’ve come a long way from smoking some stem-and-seed, oregano-ass ditch weed.

These days, we put some actual science and critical thinking into what we use to get wicked high, and maybe that’s symptomatic of how we can never just relax and enjoy ourselves. So check out our comparisons of different sativa and indica strains and their flavors, after-tastes, heft, crystallization, mouth-feel and scent profiles, because everything needs to be a project!

Uncle Johnnycakes: This popular strain of sativa was crossbred from the Fester Addams and Pancake Heaven, which gives it a sweet, syrupy taste and an electric head high. It definitely will help you keep active and creative, which just means you’ll be alert to turn what should be a relaxing moment into work. Like we always do.

Wet Womp: On the other hand, this sour as hell indica is pungent, astringent and many testers call it “euphoric.” Not that you’d know, because if we so much as feel content, we have to figure out how to replicate that until it disappears like a waking dream.

Verdict: Uncle Johnnycakes! This sick skunkadunk was super flavorful and refreshing, just what the doctor ordered. Unlike our therapist Dr. Gundersen, who told us we need to work on mindfulness.

Lambrusco Supernova: Just like its namesake sparkling wine, this sativa packs a wallop! Its profile is crisp and slightly tingly and we already wish we could have just smoked and sat and laughed with our friends, instead of demanding they give us detailed descriptions of the sensation. Why do they even hang out with us?

Mangosia: Tropical as hell, buddy! This hybrid is a blend of pineapple, mango, and guava flavors, and made us feel like we were ready for a nap on a white sand beach in the Maldives. But knowing us, we’d probably be compelled to go and explore and rate everything around us, even though we should just learn to sit and rest.

Verdict: Mangosia! Packing this indica in your bowl is like biting into a perfectly ripe mango and letting the juice run down your chin, which we have never done. Probably never will.

Q Branch: Welcome, 00-Stoner! This sativa was developed by those mad grass scientists in the UK and reportedly is a hybrid of the Grass with the Golden Gun and an unknown funk. Highly regarded for its tingly, energizing effects, it just makes us think how we use experimentation and cataloging results as a way to avoid being in the moment. Damn.

Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em: Our buddy Todd described Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em as “heavy as a thick ass bassline,” which doesn’t make any sense at all, but look at him. He’s just enjoying this shit, not overthinking it. We never thought we’d envy Todd. But he has it all figured out, man.

Verdict: Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em, we guess. Why the fuck not.

The verdict on all of these is the same. We really need help. It’s no kind of life to constantly be judging and rating and evaluating, just to feel like you’re constantly productive. We’re going to talk to Dr. Gundersen about this. Right after we break down these episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” to which has the wildest Barney story.

Goddamit, we’re doing it again.