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Opinion: Just Because Seltzer Gives Me Heartburn Now Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Party Anymore

You guys remember all of that wild stuff I used to do on our boys’ nights, right? Like that one time that I snorted a dehydrated ghost pepper through a crazy straw, then pounded a Flaming Sambuca shot from a melted plastic cup? Or that time I entered the Macho Nacho and Gazpacho food challenge and finished 5 pounds of soggy cheese and chips followed by 20 shots of cold acidic soup in under 10 minutes? Man, that was fuckin’ money.

Well, things are a little different now. My stomach isn’t quite the blast containment receptacle it once was. Even a seltzer will give me heartburn from time to time. But that doesn’t hold me back, I still do dope ass shit all the time.

Like last Sunday, I was cleaning my gutters and kicking back some brew dogs, when I decided to push it to the limit. I got up on my tippy toes to reach for the end cap, so I could finish the job without moving the ladder. Sure, I accidentally kicked the ladder out from under myself and the doctor said I’ll never get full mobility of that knee back, but that just means I need to be extra hardcore!

I did break my back a little bit, but you can’t expect to pull off a sick stunt without a little pain.

I’m sure you remember that time I tried to jump a fire hydrant and exploded my testicle when I snagged it on the cap. Just another story of the price you pay for being the man. Well, a little different, I’ll never walk without a limp now. I never grew my shredded nard back either.

Look, just because my stomach kicks back what’s essentially water, I can’t move my arm anymore, and I’ve only got one testicle doesn’t mean I can’t fuck shit up anymore.

This party bus keeps on rolling. I just bought a 16 rack of premixed Mai Tais, and I’m going to see how many of these bad boys I can chug before halftime of the Friars game. Then I’m going to lay down and moan for a while, inhale some crushed Rollaids to rally, and crawl back to the living room before the 4th quarter. Who’s with me?! Nobody? Okay well can you at least stick around while I use the toilet? I fall asleep on there sometimes.