Prog Rock Band Assigns Crowd Homework

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Progressive rock band, Sagramore, surprised attendees of their most recent show when they used the time schedule for an encore to assign all ticketholders a homework assignment.

“Well, I certainly can’t say this is how I saw the show progressing, but c’est la vie, I guess,” remarked attendee Jason Tibbs while googling Arthurian legends. “I really like these guys, but to be frank, I’m really only into them for the music composition and structure. These guys have some pretty sick riffs and solos, but I don’t know what the hell they’re singing about half the time. I just assumed Guinevere was the lead singer’s ex or something. I was just going to blow this off, but they said that this was legally binding, so guess I’m writing a thousand-word essay on Medieval England?”

Sagramore frontman and rhythm guitarist Will Allard says that homework is an important aspect of truly understanding a band.

“Our music is meant to be an immersive and enlightening experience, so by giving these assignments, we ensure fans are fully engaging with our art,” said Allard while reviewing the syllabus for the band’s next tour. “Contrary to what some naysayers claim, this is not mindless busywork. Each lesson is crafted to ensure that they have completely listened to our albums and have fully processed our lyrics. Anyone who actually listened to the album at least three times should have no problem completing the assignment, so I don’t see what everyone is complaining about.”

Rock experts noted that while prog rock has always had a high opinion of itself, this new form of fan interaction was unexpected.

“With prog rock bands, their usual masturbatory gesture is some overwrought stage show like Rick Wakeman’s ice show, but this is another level. They had roadies ready to hand out the worksheets to everyone in attendance and they want the papers turned back in by Friday,” said music historian Scott Gerdick. “Not a lot of people have the patience to sit through 15-minute songs about obscure Jules Verne short stories, so tacking on homework to a six-hour concert may not be the best idea. For a genre that most people dismiss as pseudo-intellectual garbage, this really just confirms people’s stereotypes. The only band that could get away with this is Radiohead, but I don’t think even they’d do it.”

At press time, the band asked a fan at the front of the crowd if he had enough gum for the entire venue.

New Stepdad Hairiest Yet

Posted on by Dianne Nora

DALLAS — Gary McGee, a 50-year-old insurance salesman from Fort Worth who recently married mother of three, Linda Villalobos, is by far the children’s hairiest stepfather to date.

“I thought the last guy was bad, but man, it’s like he’s some kind of animal,” said Logan Villalobos, the youngest child. “It seems to be coming from everywhere: his ears, his nose, his feet. I don’t think there are any patches of his skin where hair isn’t there. His chest hair sticks out even when he’s wearing a turtleneck. He has more hair than my neighbor Miss Vicky’s dog.”

Alex, the oldest Villalobos child, suspects her mom wanted a change from her previous partners.

“Barry, he was our first stepdad, he was okay. But he was totally bald,” Alex Villalobos said, absentmindedly twirling her own hair. “I think maybe Mom’s subconsciously rebelling against him by finding the hairiest man in Texas. You really have to see Gary yourself. I don’t really care that much, but people do stare. He took us to the beach last summer. It looked like he was wearing a sweater. I told Logan he’s part bear.”

Anthropologist Myra Walsh confirmed that while many do lose their hair, some men grow more hirsute as they age.

“Our bodies can be full of surprises as we reach our senior years, and changes in hair are just part of that beautiful process,” Walsh said, just before seeing a photograph of McGee. “Jesus. You can barely see his eyes. The last time I saw something half this hairy it turned out to be an old carpet someone tossed out on the side of the road. On second thought, he might want to have his hormone levels checked. It’s entirely possible that this is simply genetic, but on the off-chance that this marks some sort of otherworldly explanation, I think humanity should have a record of it.”

At press time, McGee was shaving his beard for the third time today.

Man Pretty Sure It Is HR Violation To Tell Coworker His Band’s Name

Posted on by Cory Cousins

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Local man and lead singer of popular metal band, A Fistful of Fetuses, thought it a good idea to consult his company’s policies and procedures before disclosing his band name to fellow coworkers, sources close to the man confirm.

“I just landed this job at Pho Whom The Bowl Tolls and I’m trying not to screw this one up,” admitted A Fistful of Fetuses vocalist, Brandon McTeague. “I mean, anyone worth their salt in the Deathgrind scene would tell you that our band name is not meant to offend, but more to sicken and shock people into listening to our music out of morbid curiosity. But you know how it is these days, everybody has to be offended by something. I’m just going to play it safe before handing out our fetus keychain merch.”

An HR manager at the corporate offices of Pho Whom The Bowl Tolls was available to clarify questions regarding professionalism in the workplace.

“His band’s name is what?” asked baffled HR manager, Shelly Patterson. “We at PWTBT do not condone the exploitation of a fetus, let alone a fistful of them, for the sole purpose of promoting a second-rate Deathgrind band. That is just unacceptable on every level. Now, if we’re talking about top-tier Deathgrind such as Napalm Death or Cattle Decapitation, then we might reconsider. But this is just amateur hour as far as I’m concerned.”

Others in the community, including McTeague’s mom, gave their opinion about the controversial namesake of the local band.

“I don’t like it, but that’s never stopped Brandon before,” noted McTeague’s mother, Barb McTeague. “On the one hand, I like to support my son and all of his endeavors, but on the other hand it can be a little horrifying, and frankly, embarrassing. Whenever my friends inquire about my son, the conversation usually leads to his music, and I never know what to tell them when it comes to the band name, so I usually just tell them it’s called, ‘A Fistful of Fun.’”

At press time, after learning about the company’s opinion of his band, McTeague decided to leave the restaurant and try his luck at another local eatery, Cock Of The Wok.

Modern Day Rapunzel? This Guy at the County Fair Is Letting Women Play With His Rat Tail

Posted on by Michael Gursky

Somebody call the Brothers Grimm! A modern-day retelling of their famous German fairy tale, Rapunzel, took place at the Wake County Fair, as a burly man allowed a line of flustered local ladies to caress and play with his lengthy rat tail.

We sure would like to be locked up in a tower with him!

The most eligible fair-goers North Carolina had to offer stood single-file, awaiting their turn to approach the brooding man and tug on his narrow strand of hair, excitedly preparing for the Disney princess moment they had always imagined.

“Wee!” one woman shouted before vomiting a Big Gulp-sized stream of jungle juice onto the rat-tailed man’s steel-toe boots. Like a scorpion, he swung his body in a smooth vigorous spin and flung the little puking lady off of his hair, projecting her into a deep-fried Snickers cart.

The incident did not deter other inebriated, small-town ladies from playing with the tail. The line stayed steady all day, making it the most popular attraction at the fair that didn’t involve racing pigs.

County Fair organizers weren’t angry with the man for garnering so much fanfare, so long as he cut them a piece of his profit.

“I gave the greedy fucks a buck for every 5 I made,” reasoned the unnamed rat-tailed man, who had quite a bit of cash stuffed into his sleeveless Marshall Tucker Band half-tee. “But I get it. This is just how it goes in the rat tail business. And believe me, brother, business is good.”

Man Clearly Lying About Which Band’s Show He Caught COVID At

Posted on by Sean Fallon

BOULDER, Colo. — Local man and obvious liar, Benjamin Walters, who was recently diagnosed with COVID, claims to have caught at “the gnarliest show” he’d ever been to, sources who wish he knew he didn’t have to try so hard confirmed.

“Oh my god, this show was wild,” said Walters, visibly sweating and not making eye contact. “Los Crudos played a secret show and there were tons of girls there and a free bar…and an ice cream truck. Yeah, it was just a once-in-a-lifetime thing, dude. Yeah. And they didn’t advertise it or review it or anything. Oh, and they banned us from posting about it on social media so that’s why I didn’t post any pics. Also, we weren’t allowed to take pictures at all. It sucks I got COVID from it but hey, shows like that don’t come around every day, you know?”

Friends of Walters have found themselves suspicious of his version of events due to previous similar situations in which Walters lied and was subsequently found out.

“He tries to pull this shit all the time,” said Walters’ high school friend, Sadie Mitchum. “When we were teenagers, he would get grounded then come into school the next day pretending he snuck out and had some crazy adventure and made out with like twenty girls, when really he’d just be on MSN Messenger trying to get Sophie Burns’ from chem class’s email address off her friends. It’s pathetic but harmless. It just means that anything that comes out of his mouth is basically bullshit.”

Those close to Walters Googled the event and found no evidence of its existence, but they did find that one band had been playing nearby on the night that he contracted COVID-19.

“I fully believe he went to a show, but the only thing going on that sounded remotely close to a ‘crazy punk show’ was a Smash Mouth cover band called The L-Shaped Fingers and Thumbs,” said girlfriend Danica Salazar. “There’s even a photo of him sitting behind their merch table on some sports bar’s Instagram, and he’s not even drinking or anything. I would be upset about him lying but I’m mostly just too embarrassed for him to say anything.”

As of press time, Walters’ condition had worsened and doctors treating him were suspicious of his story that he contracted COVID while going on a date with Michelle Obama.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Heartwarming: When This Teacher Couldn’t Afford School Supplies, a Millionaire Offered to Sleep With His Wife

Posted on by Eli Johnson

When it comes to America’s teachers, I think we can all agree the label is more than deserved. One such hero is the tireless Mark Sheffield, one of the “dopest” teachers at Pine Crest Middle School, according to his students, who he is willing to do just about anything for. So when the school board announced budget cuts, the cost of classroom supplies would soon be coming out of Mr. Sheffield’s pockets. That is, until a guardian angel intervened.

After hearing of the Sheffield household’s financial troubles, a complete stranger reached out to Mark and his lovely wife Linda with a generous proposal. Enter Henry McMaster, a wealthy real estate developer who graciously offered to aid Mr. Sheffield by sleeping with his wife.

“What can I say? I was moved when I noticed Linda in the background of Mark’s Go Fund Me video Googling how to sell plasma,” McMaster said. “I just felt that I wanted, no, that I had to do something.”
Amazing!

“Sure, some people might have offered money,” McMaster continued, “But a few dry erase markers and notebooks would just be putting a band aid on the more systemic challenges facing our education system. By taking his wife as my own for a night of ecstasy at my country manor, I could show her what true financial security feels like, even if for a fleeting moment, and more importantly, give Mark the motivation to buckle down and achieve like I have.”

Wow! So many feels! With so much animus directed at the 1 percent, it’s important to remember they’re human beings with hearts too. Just ask Mr. Sheffield.

“This gesture was a godsend in what has felt like a pretty bleak time for educators,” Sheffield said. “Our school district just banned mask mandates, which as an immunocompromised individual has me a bit concerned. Plus, parents have been grilling me about critical race theory, even though I teach algebra. But I still feel like I have the best job in the world, and Mr. McMaster’s generosity has even inspired me to pick up a side hustle delivering for Grubhub.”

Stop it. No, you’re crying! It just goes to show that, with a little grit and determination, there’s nothing America’s teachers can’t do, especially with the aid of sexual philanthropists like Henry McMaster!
“Sheffield isn’t the only educator struggling right now, and to his peers I just want to say that if you have a hot wife, I will ball that woman 5 ways from sundown, for the children.”

Entire Coffee Shop Grimaces As Vegan Barista Announces “Cow’s Milk” Latte

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

SAN FRANCISCO — Customers at local coffee shop, Verdant Cafe, collectively felt shivers go through their spines when a barista announced a “cow’s milk” latte was now ready for pick up, multiple sources confirmed.

“What sort of sick freak still orders dairy milk? We can extract milk from a cashew, for Christ’s sake, yet apparently some people are still totally fine with tearing a baby cow away from its mother and also shitting their pants,” said vegan punk River Howell. “When the barista yelled “cow’s milk latte on the bar!” I could feel the entire room recoil. It’s honestly traumatic to be forced to think about bloody cow teats at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday. I’ve got a conference call in twenty, but I’m going to need at least thirty to decompress by calling my legislature about holding Darigold accountable.”

Abigail Gordon, the latte purchaser in question, was ashamed and annoyed with the barista’s smear campaign.

“When I missed the first call to pick up my drink, she announced it again by yelling, ‘This is the latte made from the milk of a forcibly impregnated cow,’ and then I heard one of the other customers whisper ‘enjoy your puss’ under their breath,” said Gordon. “I always considered dairy milk to be organic and natural, but these people were acting like I had just ordered a cup full of puppy guts or something. I would probably be open to other milk alternatives, but I read they are all packed with hormones. No thanks.”

Despite primarily catering to a vegan crowd, the coffee shop will still begrudgingly make a cow’s milk latte for a handful of ignorant tourists or heartless bastards.

“Man, I just relish in it. In a kind of sick way, I look forward to when one of these obtuse brutes enters the shop,” said shift manager Neel Singh. “So many people choose to remain in the dark about the consequences of their actions. But I’m here to remind them that their suffering pales in comparison to that of innocent cows and that Big Dairy needs to be burnt to the ground. I also like to make a middle finger or a giant dick in the foam for anyone that uses cow’s milk. It’s the little things that keep me going.”

At press time, Verdant Cafe staff gagged in unison when a couple wearing leather cowboy boots walked in.

I Guess It’s Just Me at the Annual Zwan Appreciation Conference, Once Again

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Who’s ready for the best weekend of the year? This guy, right here! And apparently, nobody else because, once again, I booked the main hall at this Ramada Hotel & Conference Center for no good reason. Looks like it’s only gonna be me at the Zwan Appreciation Conference, just like last year.

Apparently, I made this life-size cardboard cutout of multi-instrumentalist Dave Pajo solely for my own enjoyment. This is a disaster.

I really don’t get it. What gives? Zwan was a very popular, genre-bending alternative rock group in the early 2000s. Hell, they were a musical guest on SNL! You don’t get to be introduced by Ray Romano to play your latest single without some serious momentum in your career.

I can’t be the only one who appreciates the intricate, dynamic basswork of A Perfect Circle’s Paz Lenchantin. Paz also played bass for The Pixies, by the way. People would know that if there were anybody here to visit the Paz Information Kiosk I set up right over there.

Oh boy, I sure am glad I rented this very expensive PA system so I could be the only one enjoying the soundtrack to filmmaker Jonas Åkerlund’s 2003 drug drama “Spun.” It’s like I’m the only one who remembers the dream of Zwan!

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. This is the exact same thing that happened last year, even though I must have passed out a thousand flyers. I even swamped the ZwanFan.net message boards! Though, to be fair, I think I was the only one there too.

“Mary Star of the Sea” made it to number three on Billboard! That’s like, hundreds of thousands of copies sold. Where did all those fans go? Did they forget about the deep spiritual lyrics of the “True Poets of Zwan,” as they were originally called? Just me, I guess.

You know what? I give up. I can’t be the only one to carry the flame of Djali Zwan (the acoustic lineup of the band featuring the melancholy cello work of Ana Lenchantin, sister of Paz). It’s simply too much weight for one person to bear.

Well, this is it. Goodbye, Annual Zwan Appreciation Conference. You were too beautiful for this world. I guess I better call Mr. Corgan and tell him the autograph booth is canceled.

Cautionary Tale Taken as Encouragement

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

OAKLAND, Calif. — The cautionary tale of long-time road dog and punk scene veteran “Wild” Bill Ketchum is reportedly being taken as encouragement by struggling local musician Dan Webber, bewildered sources confirmed Monday.

“Dan was talking to me for the millionth time about quitting music, saying he doesn’t want to be playing in the same shitholes when he turns 37 next year,” said close friend and off-and-on bandmate James Gill. “And I said that made sense, and that Wild Bill is pushing 50 and still playing for beer money in a different dive every night. Well, Dan just gets real quiet for a few minutes and then goes, ‘You’re right, man. Beer money does sound pretty nice.’ Then he thanked me for the talk and said I ‘saved his career.’”

Sources report that Webber is citing multiple examples of Ketchum’s lonely, broken existence as aspirational.

“I remember doing a show with Wild Bill where he told me he doesn’t even have an address, but just couch crashes in every town he plays in. And I’m sitting here thinking, I can’t believe I was about to give up on my dream. That could be me! If only I wasn’t locked into this prison with Shannon,” said Webber, referring to his rent-controlled two bedroom apartment shared with and paid for by his girlfriend. “That’s the other cool thing about Bill: he’s not weighed down by a family. Well, I mean, he has a family, but I don’t think he’s allowed to see them.”

Adriana Mills, a private practice attorney and Wild Bill’s firstborn child, corroborated her father’s willingness to forgo the trappings of domestic life in his pursuit of the musical arts.

“I haven’t seen that piece of shit since I was 12. He showed up randomly and handed my mom a palm full of drink tickets saying there was ‘plenty more where that came from,’ instead of just paying his child support,” said a visibly agitated Mills. “As the cops were dragging him away he yelled something to me about not growing up to be a normie. Like anyone would be dumb enough to take life-advice from that asshole. Occasionall I’ll get an email from him, but it’s just saying something like ‘cum see me play the Tiki Hut on Thursday. All cover set.’ It’s really sad.”

As of press time, Webber reported he is still considering abandoning music in order to pursue a more stable career in stand-up comedy.

Woman Told to Take Chill Pill Despite Already Being Six Benadryl In

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

HILLSBOROUGH, N.J. — Local party-goer and person seemingly in need of some “quiet time,” Katherine Gallagher, is being asked by those around her to “take a chill pill” despite already having taken five times the recommended dose of diphenhydramine.

“I didn’t expect the host to have a cat, so I was surprised when we arrived to see white cat hair all over his furniture. I have pretty bad allergies so I took a few Benadryl. My eyes were still itchy so I took a few more,” explained Gallagher. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t have enough cash for the molly that was being passed around, so the last three were just for kicks. Normally, antihistamines don’t affect me that much, but I’m having second thoughts now because when I tried pulling my wallet out of the skin on my forearm it wasn’t there. I don’t know how else I’m going to pay for these headshots.”

Despite her insistence that she was “all good,” friends of Gallagher described her impaired state this evening as “deranged, at best.”

“Kate was fine in the Uber ride over there. We went to the party and twenty minutes later she wouldn’t shut up about ants crawling all over her arms,” said friend Lauren Sadek. “It’s the middle of winter so I didn’t see ants anywhere, but she smacked my arm like a million times. She needs to chill the fuck out because it’s messing with my vibes and my arm is starting to hurt. Not to mention how Kate keeps rambling on about the dark shadowy figure looming above to reap our souls or whatever.”

After the onset of Gallagher’s symptoms, medical professionals were called to the site to conduct an assessment of the patient’s health.

“When used as directed, the active ingredients in Benadryl should not yield hallucinations,” explained Hillsborough EMT Gregg Whitlock. “When our unit gets called to a party, we usually treat alcohol poisoning and overdoses due to pills. At this party, guests were reportedly seen consuming large amounts of ecstasy and cocaine, but after that sixth Benadryl, she’s higher than half the posers here.”

At press time, Gallagher was seen with swollen bloodshot eyes, crying about the inexorable reaping of the Dark Lord, almighty.

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