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Cautionary Tale Taken as Encouragement

OAKLAND, Calif. — The cautionary tale of long-time road dog and punk scene veteran “Wild” Bill Ketchum is reportedly being taken as encouragement by struggling local musician Dan Webber, bewildered sources confirmed Monday.

“Dan was talking to me for the millionth time about quitting music, saying he doesn’t want to be playing in the same shitholes when he turns 37 next year,” said close friend and off-and-on bandmate James Gill. “And I said that made sense, and that Wild Bill is pushing 50 and still playing for beer money in a different dive every night. Well, Dan just gets real quiet for a few minutes and then goes, ‘You’re right, man. Beer money does sound pretty nice.’ Then he thanked me for the talk and said I ‘saved his career.’”

Sources report that Webber is citing multiple examples of Ketchum’s lonely, broken existence as aspirational.

“I remember doing a show with Wild Bill where he told me he doesn’t even have an address, but just couch crashes in every town he plays in. And I’m sitting here thinking, I can’t believe I was about to give up on my dream. That could be me! If only I wasn’t locked into this prison with Shannon,” said Webber, referring to his rent-controlled two bedroom apartment shared with and paid for by his girlfriend. “That’s the other cool thing about Bill: he’s not weighed down by a family. Well, I mean, he has a family, but I don’t think he’s allowed to see them.”

Adriana Mills, a private practice attorney and Wild Bill’s firstborn child, corroborated her father’s willingness to forgo the trappings of domestic life in his pursuit of the musical arts.

“I haven’t seen that piece of shit since I was 12. He showed up randomly and handed my mom a palm full of drink tickets saying there was ‘plenty more where that came from,’ instead of just paying his child support,” said a visibly agitated Mills. “As the cops were dragging him away he yelled something to me about not growing up to be a normie. Like anyone would be dumb enough to take life-advice from that asshole. Occasionall I’ll get an email from him, but it’s just saying something like ‘cum see me play the Tiki Hut on Thursday. All cover set.’ It’s really sad.”

As of press time, Webber reported he is still considering abandoning music in order to pursue a more stable career in stand-up comedy.