When We Were Young Festival “Arms Crossed In The Back” Section Sold Out Immediately

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LAS VEGAS — When We Were Young festival released a new batch of tickets for an “Arms Crossed In The Back” section that saw the allotment sell out in record time, according to sources.

“We want to give the concertgoers the full experience of being in a venue, and after looking at this lineup for about three seconds, we saw a need for this new ticket,” explained LiveNation spokesperson S. Mendoza. “We’re erecting very long walls opposite every stage to ensure optimal space created for elbows to point outward comfortably. Head bobbing is not required, but for those who might let extra loose, we’ve reserved a row in from the sidewall that’s still seven rows away from the pit in order to meet health and safety requirements.”

Many fans who have not attended a show in years due to starting families, full-time jobs, and growing up overall are ecstatic to revisit their scene.

“Oh man, the last time I was at a show I could still make out Davey Havok’s eyeliner. Now I won’t be able to make out if they’ve aged as much as me and the music might be a few seconds delayed, but it’s all part of your dedication to the scene and just letting it all wash over you from a distance,” said Joey Hayford, a 38-year-old longtime fan of AFI. “You just don’t need to be up front going bananas, possibly getting hurt. We’re enjoying it on a deeper level, and by that I mean barely able to hear and see anything, and as far away from the rest of the show as humanly possible.”

Due to the overwhelming demand for the “Arms Crossed In The Back” section many longtime rear-venue dwellers are struggling to find a way in.

“I had multiple devices going and the best I could find were pit tickets. Now my only option is to pay massive reseller prices,” said Wesley Smithlane. “Everyone knows that you need to stand in the back if you know the band, or have seen the band before, or want to let people know this isn’t your first rodeo, or maybe your knees just aren’t what they used to be. If you want to show a band your approval at a show the best thing you can do is stand still with your arms crossed and show absolutely no emotion whatsoever.”

As of press time, promoters were planning to sell wristbands that would allow you to smoke clove cigarettes while standing in a giant circle in the parking lot.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Leaky Roof Bucket Moonlighting as Drum Throne

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

ATHENS, Ga. — A five-gallon bucket generally kept under leaks in the roof of local venue, Little King’s Shuffle Club, is also making debuts on the stage as a drum throne, according to sources.

“There’s more than meets the eye with this old girl,” drummer Milo Rowsdower stated, referring to the bucket. “I was on tour with my band, Fia Marrow, taking a bathroom break on the side of the road when I first spotted her. ‘Damn, that’s a nice bucket, I could totally piss in that,’ was my first thought, but something told me there was more going on here. As luck would have it, the backline at the venue we played later that night forgot a drum throne so I tried her out and the rest is history. I wiped her down a bit, branded her with some band stickers and brought her home with me to Athens.”

The bucket has been more than welcome back in Rosdower’s hometown where throws for her attention appear to be quite competitive.

“I’m glad Milo enjoys the bucket, but first and foremost, its principal use is in its uncanny ability to hold liquids,” Rowsdower’s boss and Little King’s Shuffle Club owner, Hardy Backer stated. “He can’t expect to bring a valuable tool into this establishment and just flip it over and stick his ass on it whenever he pleases. We have a vintage vibe to maintain, and I have a fuck load of messes to clean. Vomit, piss, beer, that stinky mold that grows in keg tap lines… this bucket’s taken it all for me.”

Rowsdower’s bandmates seem to be the only ones struggling to find enthusiasm for the ingenuity and cost savings of the multifaceted bucket.

“I dunno, man, I just feel like Milo could spend a little of his paycheck on buying a real drum throne at this point,” bandmate Carter Wilson said, noting it’s been in the band rotation for a full four years now. “It’s either raining and we have to postpone shows so it can collect rainwater, or some college kid has alcohol poisoning and needs a barf bucket ASAP. It’s always something. Aside from the squabbling between Hardy and Milo for who gets to use the bucket that night, it only ever gets cleaned when it’s raining so the piss and vomit stains really accumulate.”

At press time, “rodent maternity ward” was added to the list of the bucket’s many uses after a rat gave birth inside of it after a recent band practice.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Friend Who Stopped Sharing Anti-vax Content on Facebook Presumed Dead

Posted on by Tony Morse

PORTLAND, Ore. — The sudden decrease in social media activity of a prolific vaccine disinformation propagator Jason Cooley is leading friends and acquaintances to believe it’s a result of his predictable death, somber sources confirmed.

“Jason’s always been out there,” recounted former high school classmate Julie Perkins. “He’s claimed everything from Sandy Hook being staged to Earth being flat and even that jet fuel can’t burn hot enough to melt steel. After he met this Yoga instructor at his CrossFit gym, he really began focusing on vaccines. He started using Facebook to broadcast daily bullshit about microchip implants and how he’d never get a COVID vaccine because it’s been proven that Anthony Fauci is a tool of Satan’ and wild shit like that. He’s never missed a day, not even when he was following Kid Rock’s tour. But his account has gone silent, so I’m afraid he finally checked into and out of the ICU for good.”

Facebook acknowledges preventable Covid deaths are tragic, but disputes the notion that their content policies contribute to them.

“Even if there was something we could do to prevent people from choosing to read alternative vaccination views, it simply wouldn’t be appropriate for us to do so,” said longtime Facebook moderator David Williams after washing down a generous handful of Xanax with a mouthful of Vodka. “As Mr. Zuckerberg has us recite at company rituals, we are not censors here. Removing content that some people might simply disagree with is an affront to free speech no matter how many so-called experts claim there’s an epidemic of online disinformation killing hundreds of thousands of people and putting many more at risk. Besides, if something like that was actually happening, I’d have a hard time living with myself.”

Still, Cooley wishes everyone would just stop worrying about him.

“I only logged off to stand in front of this hospital and hand out pamphlets about how urine therapy cures Covid,” he said through an aggressive cough. “I’m still not convinced Covid is real, but what’s the harm in drinking some of your own pee just to be on the safe side? It might sound kinda gross, but I don’t even notice the smell or taste anymore. Besides, I’ve lived this long with diabetes and multiple sclerosis, so what could a little Covid possibly do to me?”

At press time, Cooley’s friends were setting up a GoFundMe page for his wife and two small children.

Whale Overhearing Set From Noise Rock Cruise Finds It Derivative

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

MAUI, Hawaii — A humpback whale off the coast of Maui found the musical offerings overheard from noise-rock-themed ‘Sonic Cruise’ to be lacking in originality, “at best.”

“We come here every year to mate and enjoy the local culture and we usually have a blast. This year, however, has been quite disappointing and honestly, a bit offensive,” sighed the whale, whose given name cannot be phonetically spelled, in reference to a band’s set he overheard on the cruise. “At first, I was like, ‘Shit! This is really speaking to me!’ but then I realized the song I was hearing was just a blatant rip-off of a traditional mating call dating back to my ancestors. I had to guide a couple of the younger calves away from the ship because they instinctively thought it was a virile male attempting to fornicate. It was derivative at best, and appropriative at worst.”

A sea turtle who often interacts with the whale was understanding of his distaste for the band in question, but ultimately thought he was being overdramatic.

“It’s always the same thing with this guy. He never lightens up. Do you know why sea turtles live such long lives? Because we shut the fuck up and enjoy ourselves,” explained the 36-year-old turtle. “So what if a musical act is taking your ancient songs and retooling them? Most would take that as a compliment. I was just chatting with one of my seagull friends, and he still can’t stop raving about how honored he was by the screamo cruise that came through last summer. That one was so flagrant I thought the entire ship had been taken over by his colony, but he didn’t mind at all.”

According to Marine Biologist Janet Bowman, the far-reaching influence of whale songs on modern music is difficult to ignore.

“From Pink Floyd’s ‘Echoes’ to Bjork’s entire discography, the influence is unmistakable,” remarked Bowman. “Some historians even suggest that Jimi Hendrix’s signature tone was inspired by accidentally falling off a boat and overhearing the drone of a passing whale pod. Given the historical impact, it is almost impossible to find any musical group that has not incorporated whale songs in their repertoire even on a subconscious level.”

At press time, a sound technician employed by Sonic Cruise was seen carefully lowering a waterproof microphone off the ship’s railing.

When This 6-Year-old Got Cancer His Entire Town Came Together To Say Christ That’s Awful

Posted on by Sean Peecook

Terrible things every day but when the residents of West Chester, Ohio heard that local first-grader Erik Richey was diagnosed with terminal cancer, they decided to do something about it. Within hours of hearing the tragic news, they gathered in the town square to stand around with their arms crossed saying stuff like, “Jesus Christ. Six? That’s awful. Wow. What a goddamn shame.”

Wow! You don’t hear inspiring stories like that all the time! Well, except in the comments of any local news story on Facebook.

Even more incredible, this beautiful story started with the help of one resident. Local librarian Robert Schifter said, “When I heard the news, I knew I had to do something. So I walked outside and approached everyone I saw. I said things like, ‘Damn’ and ‘Stage IV.’ Before ya know it, other people were chiming in with ‘I can’t even imagine how his mother feels right now’ and ‘Christ, the poor kid.’ After a while, we were mobilized.

The story didn’t end there! When word spread of the town coming together, opportunistic news anchor, Veronica Campbell, felt compelled to get involved. “I knew I had an obligation to use my position to get this story on TV and just say, ‘I mean fuck. Does he even understand what’s happening to him? And his sisters, they’re going to have to carry this forever. Why? Why?'”

Faith in humanity restored! When little Erik Richey heard the news of his town coming together he must have felt like the luckiest kid in the world!

Drummer Looking to Start Some Shit Deterred by “No Drama” Stipulation on Craigslist Ad

Posted on by Tom K

PHOENIX — Local musician and currently band-less drummer Elle Jade’s hopes of joining a new group were promptly crushed after reaching the “no drama” stipulation in a Craigslist ad late yesterday morning, according to sources.

“‘No drama’ qualifiers have become the norm in ‘band seeking…’ posts and it’s killing the local scene,” Jade said. “Any band would be lucky to have me. I pride myself on my versatility, in that I can find creative differences with anyone in any genre. I mean, who wants a harmonious band? True art comes from conflict and if that conflict comes from me consistently and methodically trying to sleep with every band member’s marital partner, then that’s how it will happen.”

“Every ad I see is ‘low key’ this and ‘just have fun that.’ Ginger Baker must be rolling in his shallow grave,” she added.

One such band seeking a drummer defends their use of the “no drama” tag in their most recent of seven consecutive, identical postings.

“I can’t believe we even had to specify this. We’re a goddam ska cover band. Literally, our name is ‘Goddam Ska Cover Band.’ Our last drummer threw a tantrum in a Hawaiian shirt and oversized pink sunglasses. No one needs to see that twice in one lifetime,” remarked Goddamn Ska Cover Band vocalist Bryanna Ortiz. “Thankfully, our carefully worded Craigslist ad will prevent this type of incident from happening ever again, as ska bands are known for their consistent membership.”

In light of Jade’s situation and countless others like it, Craigslist released an official statement announcing a division into two separate services.

“We’re excited to announce the Craigslist splinter site: Sidslist,” said Craigslist spokesperson Marisa Vitali. “Sidslist provides an open, hassle-free way for dramatic musicians to find the right dysfunctional bands for them. It’s basically just the ‘free’ section and what would have been our ‘missed connections’ page years ago, but it is our hope to kickstart the next generation of Morrisseys and Gallaghers.”

REVIEW: Minutemen “Paranoid Time”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we take a trip to beautiful San Pedro, California and look back on Minutemen’s 1980 EP “Paranoid Time.”

“Paranoid Time” is the first EP by American punk band Minutemen and if we’re being completely honest, it’s arguably one of the most timeless albums in the history of the genre. What I mean by that is it could have come out in 1947 at the start of the cold war or in 2016 when Donald Trump was elected president. The lyrical content coupled with the chaotic non-conformity of the music sounds exactly like the paranoid ramblings of evergreen uncles American families have known and worried about for generations.

You know that uncle in the family who is terrified of Russia? The same one who is skeptical of politicians? I’m talking about the one who kind of ruined your eighth birthday party by going on a rant about how birthdays were invented by capitalist pigs who wanted to build a culture around selling cake and ice cream by exploiting the narcissistic need humans have to celebrate simply not dying? That’s the energy of this record. It’s a little weird and off-putting at first but when you really give it an honest listen, you begin to understand.

Who am I to argue with the man? He’s been on this earth way longer than most people. Not to mention, he’s in ridiculously good shape. How many eighty-three-year-old dudes do you see doing chin-ups on street corners? He’s also been vegan for like fifty years. Way before it was fashionable. It’s not because he cares about animals or the environment or anything. He just thinks that food he doesn’t personally grow and cook himself was planted as part of a government conspiracy to make people seven inches shorter than nature intended.

Ultimately what I’m trying to say is that this guy is fucking out of his mind and seemed like he would kick my ass if I didn’t sit in his studio apartment with him to review this EP. Lucky for me, he’s afraid the camera on my laptop will steal his soul so he hasn’t been able to pay close attention to what I’m writing. I’m at the Riverside Terrace Apartment Complex. Please send help.

SCORE: Four out of Five latched deadbolts

/**/

Priest Can Think of Another “Punk” Who “Broke the Rules,” But it Was the Rules About Child Abuse, and it Was Him

Posted on by Sam Eardley

MEADVILLE, Penn. — A week before his child abuse trial, local priest Justin Canthorne continues to cast himself as a “misunderstood iconoclast,” according to the handful of church-goers that still attend his services.

“Young Christians have always flocked to me, because I believe that their faith does not preclude them from living an alternative lifestyle — whether that’s punk rock, bisexuality or having an attraction to a slightly older authority figure,” said Canthorne. “In today’s sermon I talked about perhaps the biggest punk rocker of all. A real ‘rule-breaker’ who stuck a middle finger up to the orthodoxy. A certain someone with the initials JC who was betrayed by a friend and thrown to the baying mob for public crucifixion. That someone is me. But I have faith that my methods will ultimately be vindicated in the court of God.”

Teenager Beatrice Buena praised Canthorne for his constant attention to young and troubled parishioners.

“I only moved to the area recently, and he’s been real nice to me and the other members of my band. He totally identifies as a punk too, says he has these ‘dangerous thoughts’ that make him an outcast from society, and that ‘keeping secrets from parents is the ultimate rebellion’ — so cool,” said Buena. “And he plays guitar too! He came up behind me and walked my fingers through a much easier fingering on a song I wrote last week. I didn’t get it straight away, but then he showed me that Christian punk is ‘all in the hips,’ which I guess maybe helped.”

“Saying this out loud, it does actually sound a bit creepy. I mean, we did hear this one pretty wild rumor about him, but if it were true, surely the church would have done something about it? I might go and do some Googling, actually,” added Buena before packing up her things in a hurry.

Canthorne’s lawyer Andrew Spencer talked about their defense strategy.

“We will attempt to argue that Reverend Canthorne’s actions were underpinned by his extreme piousness,” stated Spencer, before emitting an eighteen-second sigh. “We will strenuously rebuff the testimony that he ‘wouldn’t know a Bible if it was thrown hard and fast at his temple,’ and we’ll probably try to discredit some witnesses or something. That’s really the only option I have. I just know that win or lose, the Church’s checks always clear without issue.”

At press time, Canthorne was mistakenly stating he could only be judged within the kingdom of God, despite the impending judgment from the state of Pennsylvania which could see him face dozens of years in jail.

If Stolen Valor Is So Bad Then Why Did It Get Me a Better Seat at This Restaurant?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

At ease, soldier! Just kidding, I know you’re not in the military. Don’t tell anyone but neither am I. But it’s authentic-sounding phrases like that, coupled with my questionably-attained Marine Dress Blues and service medals, that I’m able to do anything I want. Including getting a sick table at this busy restaurant. It’s true what they say, everyone loves a man in uniform!

If you listen to the naysayers, you’ll hear people claim stolen valor is “immoral” or that someone impersonating a member of the military could be “prosecuted under the Stolen Valor Act of 2013.” Oh come on. If it was really that bad then why did I just casually skip ahead of a bunch of people in line who actually had reservations and now I’m busy chomping down on this delicious Kobe beef while those losers are still hungry as fuck? Oorah!

That’s another badass phrase I know, I literally have hundreds of them. Some are easy to remember because they’re also movie titles like “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” or “Zero Dark Thirty.” I have no clue what they mean but I do know that one starred Tiny Fey and she sure as shit wasn’t in the military. I just don’t think what me and Ms. Fey are doing could possibly be that bad.

Before you judge me, I’d like to set the record straight by stating that I don’t agree with the term “stolen valor.” I’m not stealing anything. I borrowed this uniform and some medals from my neighbor when he was overseas. At worst, it’s “borrowed valor.” But whatever it’s not like he can use it! He’s still stationed in Iraq and I doubt the restaurants over there are showing him the level of respect he deserves. Unlike the staff and patrons here, who are being super grateful to me, a proxy for his service.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to change into this priest’s cassock and vanish into the night before the bill gets here. Glory to God!

Punk Uses Both Sides of Plate to Save on Dishes

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk and self-declared “dish-truther” Sammy Gladwin has been reported by multiple sources as using both sides of plates to save on having to wash them.

“Between working at a street taco food truck, officiating Magic the Gathering drafts, and playing drums in bands, I’m a pretty dang busy guy,” Gladwin stated. “We were out of clean plates at the house and it just hit me: plates have two sides. I took one out of the sink, flipped that bad boy over and microwaved a burrito on it right then and there. I’m now getting twice the use out of one plate, but if I’m being honest, you can get even more than just two uses out of a well-seasoned plate, but I don’t know if people are ready to hear that yet.”

Gladwin’s roommate expressed trouble vocalizing the positive aspects of sharing a living space with a man of such ingenuity and forethinking, going so far as to call into question the merits of Gladwin’s work ethic.

“Isn’t it obvious? Sammy clearly just doesn’t want to do dishes. He’s fuckin’ lazy. But no, instead of putting any effort into washing shit, he’s completely rearranged our kitchen counters to hold his ‘limbo’ plates,” roommate Darius McMurtry stated. “With the counter space going to these ‘half-used racks’ and the amount of time he now spends in the bathroom with food poisoning, I can barely use any shared space in this house.”

Despite constant criticism, some close to Gladwin seem genuinely proud of his resourcefulness and were eager to share more time-saving tips for the kitchen.

“My boyfriend should definitely write a book because he’s clearly onto something big here. Like, did you know that you can eat off of almost anything flat? Records, books, old mail, guitars, the list goes on and on, plus they all have two sides the same as plates!” said Gladwin’s boyfriend of four months, Danny Gao. “This plate reckoning has me questioning everything. Do you realize regular sticks from trees and even pencils work fine as chopsticks? And, hey—you tell me where it says on any packaging for take-out utensils that they can’t be used more than once if they don’t look dirty. This is straight-up whole-brained shit I’m talking about.”

Gladwin was last observed handing out self-made zines about the merits of reusing underwear by flipping it inside out.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

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