The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

The 11 Most Unnecessary Movie Sequels

Posted on February 26, 2022 by Jonah Nink

Despite what your self-help podcast might say, it’s very easy to have too much of a good thing. No truer is this than in Hollywood, which seems to be obsessed with putting out terrible sequels to our favorite films. Here are some of the most unnecessary movie sequels.

Ghostbusters: Field of Dreams

This ill-fated franchise mashup sees the titular paranormal exterminators duke it out with some of baseball’s greatest players. Critics agreed the movie would have been “fucking awesome” had Bill Murray not looked completely disinterested the entire time.

R2-D2 Sells Adderall to Minors: A Star Wars Story

While “Rogue One” and “Solo” may have been disappointments, it was “R2-D2 Sells Adderall to Minors” that put a definitive end to Disney’s Star Wars anthology films. Parents in particular decried the film for including multiple scenes of the famous droid telling high school students he has “something that will help them study.”

Yentl 5

While not as bad as “Yentl 4,” “Yentl 5” still felt phoned-in, failing to capture the magic of what made “Yentl 2: Still Yentl’in” and “Yentl 3: Revelations” work so well.

The Land During Time

This entry in the beloved animated franchise traded the prehistory setting for a modern day one. Instead of following Littlefoot and the gang on their zany hijinks, the film follows a copywriter named Mike as he buys an NFT.

Super Size Me 3

Documentary filmmaker Morgan spurlock dies 28 minutes into the film, in which he was supposed to eat nothing but Burger King Chicken Fries and gravel for a full year.

Being John Deacon

20th Century Fox attempted to capitalize on the success of the Queen biopic “Bohemian Rhapsody” with a solo film focusing on the band’s bassist, John Deacon. The 162-minute long film follows Deacon as he eats breakfast, leaves band practice early, and tunes his bass.

The High Fidelity Murders

John Cusack reprises his role as the introspective record store owner Rob Gordon, who has become obsessed with committing the top five murders of all time. Audiences enjoyed the creative kills, but still found Cusack’s constant monologuing as insufferable as the previous film’s.

Gravity 2

The last time we see George Clooney in 2013’s “Gravity,” he’s floating through the vacuum of space after saving Sandra Bullock. “Gravity 2” follows Clooney as he slowly starves to death inside a shit and urine-filled space suit.

School of Rock: Dewey Goes to Prison

Picking up right where the original “School of Rock” left off, “Dewey Goes to Prison” follows Jack Black’s music-loving substitute Dewey Finn as he’s sentenced to two years in federal prison for child endangerment. Finn attempts to form a plucky group of inmates into a rock band, but is stabbed with a shiv halfway through the film.

Spider-Man: Before the Bite

This prequel gives us some insight into Peter’s Parker life before his being bitten by a super-powered spider. New York Times movie critic Jessica Hartman called the film “uncomfortable,” saying that “it’s hard to watch a pre-teen get bullied for two hours straight.”

The Interview: Kim Jong Un’s Bachelor Bonanza

The sequel was lambasted for trying to humanize globally reviled sociopath James Franco.

America Dispatches 5,000 Scrappy, Italian-American Boxers to Symbolically Combat Russian Threat

Posted on February 26, 2022 by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden signed an executive order immediately dispatching 5,000 scrappy, Italian-American, mush-mouthed boxers to pose a metaphorical threat to the Russians who invaded Ukraine earlier this week.

“Listen up Jack, we aren’t going to sit around and let some pinko invade countries on a whim. We are prepared to deploy an elite unit of scrappy underdogs with early signs of CTE to push back the Russian front. Putin can pump their tall, blonde soldiers with all the steroids they want. But our boys have been chucking logs around in the snow and they are ready for the show,” said Biden while standing next to a crude robot that kept repeating “Happy birthday Paulie. “It is my firm belief that these boxers will brandish our American ideals with a show of strength and an incredibly catchy soundtrack. If these tensions continue to mount, I am also prepared to send a mediocre second wave, an okay third wave, a surprisingly good fourth wave, and then a forgettable fifth wave of gray sweatsuit-clad heroes to defend freedom.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he does not fear America’s presence in his Ukrainian siege.

“There is no physical way that these small-time, journeymen boxers could ever compete with our Russian troops,” Putin said. “We train with machines, scientists, laboratories. They merely punch meat and run stairs. If these down-to-earth everyman types somehow best our Russian engineering, it would be a climactic come-from-behind win that would devastate Russian morale. Perhaps somewhere along the way we’d realize that we’re not so different after all, sure, but I do not see that as a possibility.”

Former U.S. president, and a man deeply in debt to Russian Oligarchs, Donald Trump was for some reason also reached for comment.

“Well, it’s a shame what they did to that beautiful, beautiful boxer, Ivan Drago. You’ve got little Sly Stallone, who by the way, many people are saying I could TKO in a boxing match, beating Drago to a pulp and even winning over the Soviet crowd,” explained Trump in between toots of European Sudafed. “Just absolutely disgraceful seeing freedom and democracy prevail. Sad!”

At press time, the Pentagon launched “Operation Wolverines,” providing training and aid to small groups of midwestern teens to help them in fending off any surprise Russian invasions.

We Look Back On Biohazard’s “Urban Discipline” Because It’s The Only Hardcore CD At The Library

Posted on February 26, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

As a Socialist, I fucking love the library. Forget Starbucks because the library is the last REAL third space in the capitalist wasteland of Lafayette, Indiana. The Tippecanoe Public Library doesn’t require patrons to spend money to justify their presence within their building. And just because I refuse to be held hostage by Netflix doesn’t mean I should be denied access to “Infinite Jest” in paperback, multiple VHS copies of “What About Bob?,” or Biohazard’s Urban Discipline on compact disc.

Honestly, I was hoping to find Hatebreed’s “Satisfaction Is the Death of Desire,” but that must’ve been checked out by the guy wearing gym shorts and a Terror shirt in the periodicals. Well, the headphones I borrowed from the circulation desk and computer kiosk make up for the lackluster hardcore selection I guess.

“Chamber Spins Three” I’d love to tell you about this song, but the CD is skipping so badly. Maybe that’s because the computer is the size of a microwave and running Windows Vista, but it also looks like someone took a belt sander to the bottom of the disc. What I can tell you is that the first song on this copy of the album sounds like a fax machine throwing up.

“Punishment” Did you know this song was in the 1989 film The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren? Did you also know that “Punishment…” hey is it normal for people to have soup in the library? Do people do that? Also, I think a scarfed hippie woman is reading Tarot cards to a preschool class. Is being able to read Tarot considered literacy? Is this like sanctioned or is she just doing that?

“We’re Only Gonna Die (From Our Own Arrogance)” I love this song because it’s a Bad Religion cover, but I didn’t get to it because some guy needed to do his taxes, so I let him have the nice computer.

“Urban Discipline” Okay, this is vintage Biohazard and guaranteed to get the blood pumping. The song has heavy riffs and gang vocals in the chor–oh my god. I cannot unhear the man that is most likely masturbating right next to me. I don’t see the Hitachi Wand he walked in with and everything smells like bologna. His moaning and unbroken eye contact are extremely uncomfortable.

Man, what the fuck? Why are my tax dollars paying for this shitty media co-op? I’m just gonna listen to Gorilla Biscuits on Spotify Premium because this album sucks anyway. Sorry socialism!

Punk Caught Praising Establishment During Hot Mic Moment

Posted on February 26, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

CLEVELAND – The local punk scene was fractured and irreparably divided after Fight for Disorder’s long-time frontman Gary Hench was caught praising the establishment and authority a little too much during a hot mic moment at his home-town show, disillusioned and outraged sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Hench in regard to the incident. “We were tuning up and about to start our set, and one of the security guards told me I was triple parked. I told him it was no biggie because I have one of those little blue shields on the corner of my license plate and I know that this is Officer Klein’s block today. It was a private conversation that happened to get picked up by the hot mic. You can criticize me all you want, but hey, Klein’s my buddy. We literally live in the same cul de sac. I don’t give a shit that the crowd was booing me, they don’t know Officer Klein like I do.”

Venue staff believes this is a flagrant disregard to the values that Hench preaches to his audience each and every night.

“The guy goes from talking about his cop friend to railing about abuse of power. Then the band launches into their song ‘Blue Lives Splatter,’ said security guard Omar Leeson. “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. He’s always backstage talking about how the minimum wage is too high already, that CEOs are technically ‘underpaid,’ and that Ronald Reagan was the greatest American president. I understand the difference between the on-stage persona and the real person, but you have to at least act like you give a shit.”

Scene Sociologist Sara Michley states that this kind of behavior change in the old guard is more common than one would think.

“It’s one of the unfortunate things that happen as we get older,” Michley asserted. “Sometimes it’s guys like Gary Hench being a little too chummy with the cops, and other times it’s guys like Danzig refusing to play a festival because there’s no French onion soup in the dressing room. The hard truth of the matter is that when your band becomes a legacy property, you simply just might not believe the same things you did when you were 18. This isn’t always true, but in Gary’s case it would be more suiting if he wrote a song called ‘I’m a total fucking dick to the staff when I take my family to Olive Garden.’ It doesn’t take much to become exactly what you’re rebelling against.”

At press time, Hench was seen selling unsigned guitar picks that he used that night for $35 each.

Photo by Jana Miller

Opinion: If Danzig Wants My Skull So Bad He’ll Answer My Challenge and Face Me Like a Man

Posted on February 25, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

My name is Harley Murgatroyd and Glenn Danzig wants me dead. Countless times the man has threatened my life, from putting knives in me to peeling the flesh from my skull. Yeah, the big head bone we use to hold our brains. Well hear this, I’m not afraid any more and I challenge you, Glenn Danzig, to just fucking try and take this fleshy hair covered skull.

I was a child, no more than 13 years of age, when I received the first threat on my life. Misfits Collection 1, track 10, “Skulls.” That’s where I first heard him utter the words that would define the rest of my life, “I want your skull…” I repeated the track on my Walkman to make sure I heard it clearly and it was reiterated, “…I need your skull.”

I’ve spent the last 20 years training my body to ward off skull thieving weirdos. My training has included a strict regimen of working my neck, jaw, teeth, and brain muscles, and of course, consuming gallons upon gallons of milk each week. I’ve studied your movements, Danzig, I’ve listened and read the Misfits literature, all of which led me to the perfect venue. A tourist trap in England with a phenomenal gift shop, the London Dungeon. It is here, on Halloween, we shall settle our horror business once and for all.

I’ve seen the kitty litter pics, Danzig. I’ve seen the tenderly wrapped Christmas gifts. I heard about the HOA disagreements and the brick pile. You may have fooled everyone else into thinking you’re some slightly sub-normal guy who is simultaneously a musician and B movie fan, but you haven’t fooled me. I am no longer a little girl, I am a large woman with a calcium fortified skull covered in extremely thick skin. It is time we formally step into the gauntlet. Mommy says I can go out and kill tonight, let’s do this motherfucker.

My skull is right here, you spooky grandpa! Meet me at the London Dungeon on Halloween. Twelve O’clock, don’t be late.

“I Wish Bars Here Were Open til 4 a.m.” Says Woman Unaware 2 a.m. Last Call Only Reason She’s Alive

Posted on February 25, 2022 by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Literary agent and frequent binge drinker Lana Delano has no idea that despite her protests, California’s statewide 2 a.m. last call is the only reason she remains among the living, concerned friends reported.

“It’s fucking bullshit! When I lived in New York I would stay out ‘til four most nights. LA is so lame,” said Delano, whose stomach has been pumped no less than six times in the last two years. “The night is just getting started at 2 a.m. And hell, you’re lucky to even find a bar that stays open that late. Most of these hipster bars start flipping on the lights between midnight and 1 a.m. What is this, Utah? What about my Constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness?”

Delano’s friends are relieved that with her recent move to The Golden State, the odds of her experiencing lethal alcohol poisoning are somewhat lower than before.

“I started avoiding going out with Lana because I’m not a goddamn urgent care nurse. I can’t be responsible for making sure she doesn’t die while I’m also pretty trashed,” admitted friend and former roommate Bob Erskine. “Don’t get me wrong—she’s still on track to develop a pretty gnarly case of cirrhosis in her early 30s. But her worst drinking was at the end of the night, so I think a 2 a.m. last call helps, assuming she doesn’t get her ass beat for threatening bartenders over it .”

God, omnipresent creator of all things known and unknown, illustrated some of Delano’s other possible life outcomes.

“Oh yeah, she’d be dead as hell right now if bars were open any later for sure,” said The Almighty, who is reportedly preparing to sue Congresswoman Lauren Boebert for slander and defamation. “Let’s see… if she had access to a 4 a.m. last call on her most recent birthday, she would have died by grabbing her Uber driver’s wheel and steering into oncoming traffic. This is the same reason we had a 2 a.m. last call in the desert—Abraham would have definitely drank himself to death after I told him to gut his son with a knife. What a good prank.”

Rumors circulate that Delano is planning to protest her workplace’s “employees must wash hands after using the restroom” sign, again entirely unaware such a policy is the only reason she’s alive.

My Tinder Match Wanted A Partner In Crime, So, I Guess I Fight Dogs Now

Posted on February 25, 2022 by Dan Rice

Weeding through dating apps can be a really discouraging headache. After a while it all just becomes one big blur of way too instagramable selfies and the same dozen or so interchangeable descriptions. “A work in progress.” “Cat mom.” “Buy me tacos.” I had almost given up hope when suddenly I came across a fun-loving and free-spirited looking woman “seeking a partner in crime.” I decided to bite, one thing led to another, and now I’m in way over my head.

I thought she just wanted someone 420 friendly to frolic around with and take selfies and shit. I seriously underestimated the vast and dangerous reaches of her criminal empire.

So yeah, I help run a dog fighting ring, amongst other illegal enterprises. It’s fucked up. Trust me when I say that as an animal lover I’m as disgusted by the whole thing as you probably are. But we like a lot of the same movies, we both love the beach, and she cooks a mean chicken marsala, so I just wanna see where this goes.

Before you judge me too harshly try to understand, she thicc.

Not to sound like I’m giving myself a pass or anything here, but I have been pushing for some positive changes from inside, which is maybe kinda how you have to do it. I’ve got us on a healthy, ethically sourced kibble now. I found a vet who doesn’t have an eye patch. I’ve even suggested we teach the dogs to fight with just their tails so they don’t hurt each other that much. It’s an uphill sell but some of the less scary guys are starting to come around I think!

Dog fight/exotic pet breeding/meth trafficking ring aside, this is the best relationship I’ve been in for a long time. To all the naysayers, animal rights activists, and law enforcement agencies out there, I understand your grievances but I just gotta do me right now. And until I find that mythical non-dog fighter woman who likes the movie Anchorman AND walks on the beach, this is me y’all.

Straight Edge Supreme Court Decision Could Overturn Landmark MacKaye vs. Caffeine Case

Posted on February 25, 2022 by Goodrich Gevaart

WASHINGTON — The Straight Edge Supreme Court will hear arguments this week in the case of Lewis v. Monster Energy which could overturn the landmark MacKaye vs. Caffeine Case as the court’s judges are now a 6-3 Hardline majority.

“I’m not drinking booze or burning coffin nails, I’m just having 13 Monster Energy drinks a day to stay alert,” said Jeff Lewis, drummer in Philadelphia’s xCorrelationx. “I’ve had to defend my personal choices for years and I’ve found myself trying to educate people about what the framers of the straight edge had in mind when they started this great experiment. It will be nice to have the Straight Edge Supreme Court finally weigh in on this important issue. We have a strong case and precedent on our side.”

“The only problem is that my friend Dean slept with two of the newer justice’s girlfriends back in 2017. They have been mean-mugging me this whole time, but I have faith that they will remain impartial,” Lewis added.

Many straight-edgers drink caffeine often and are worried what this court case could mean for their identities.

“This could devastate my family, my business, and all my friends if the court classified caffeine as an edge break,” said Janice Evans, owner of Silverlake’s vegan coffee hotbed Salad Days. “These hardline court justices are taking the rules of straight edge too far! They came from the ‘90s Salt Lake City scene and have a much more strict interpretation of straight edge than most practitioners. Their conservative values don’t represent us. Next thing you know they’ll make the decision ‘girls can’t be straight edge.’”

Straight Edge Supreme Court scholars are already predicting this case will usher in a major shift in the straight edge landscape.

“This is the most Hardline the court has been in its 40 years of existence. Four of the justices are so Hardline that they believe wearing sunscreen is an edge break, and that if you’ve ever kissed someone who had been drinking then you can’t call yourself edge,” said Jimmy O’Leary, a noted zine maker who covers the courts. “On the other side, you have three liberal justices who advocate for topical use of CBD. And two ‘swing’ justices that have more of an old school ‘80s view of straight edge. This is going to be exciting, but if you’re a coffee drinker you might want to stock up now.”

The next case on the Straight Edge Supreme Court docket is Logan v. GT’s Living Foods which will decide whether or not straight edgers can drink the fermented tea which contains 0.5% ABV.

Just Because This Band Meeting Is In The Nice McDonald’s Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Make A Scene

Posted on February 24, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Well, here we are, the McDonald’s near the park with all the ducks. No dried smears of ketchup on every other table, no divorced dads fighting over the corner booth so they can have a proper sit-down meal with their kids, nobody trying to sell us dirt weed in the parking lot. Hell they got a working ice cream machine and a table for people with peanut allergies!

Yes sir, no doubt about it, this McDonald’s is the nice McDonald’s. And if you think that’s going to stop me from making a scene when you tell me whatever it is you brought me hear to tell me, you are fucking dreaming.

That’s right, I can smell which way the wind is blowing. Last time we came here was the night you told me about the new guitar player, so forgive me if I smell a fuckin’ trap.

Is this about the new song?

You see I can’t help but thinking that you can’t help but thinking that telling me my 8-minute guitar solo and spoken word passage are cut over a meal at the McCafe with the player piano will stop me from going ape shit Well, you were wrong because I will flip my shit RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW and I’ll start my rampage py punching Mr. Mac Tonight right in his goddamn moon-face so HELP ME GOD!

My contributions to “Fuckhouse Paradise” are important artistic accomplishments, and they will not go quietly into that good night, no Sir! I will make this tray rain cheeseburgers all over this floor without remorse, and I don’t care if any of the Jackson-Hewitt temps pretending to be real CPAs or Kohl’s shift managers in cheap blazers hear me!

Ever since we got those extra drink tickets last month, you guys have gone Hollywood. You might like to eat at the McDonald’s where the Happy Meal toy is from a movie still in the theaters, but I haven’t forgotten where I come from or why I joined this band!

We used to be about THE MUSIC! Give me a regular McDonald’s any day of the week, and I’ll eat with regular, working-class people! This band isn’t an excuse to become out-of-touch rock stars that hang out in the only McDonald’s with a stash of Szechuan Sauce not already pillaged by Rick and Morty fans!

For fuck’s sake, the McRib is somehow always on the menu! Take a look at yourselves, you sorry bunch of sellouts. You ought to be ash–

Hey, why’s there a cake at this table? Ah, shit. It’s Derrick’s birthday isn’t it? Forget I said anything, happy birthday Derrick, best drummer ever!

Porn Parody of Euphoria Much Tamer

Posted on February 24, 2022 by Sam Eardley

LOS ANGELES — The recently-released porn parody of edgy and controversial teen drama “Euphoria,” titled “Screw-phoria,” is stirring controversy for being “lame” and “weirdly wholesome” compared to the hyper-sexual mainstream show it’s based on, horny sources confirmed.

“So I play teen drug-dealer Fezco,” explained porn actor Rocco Cockslinger, 41. “And to be honest, I‘m shocked by the backlash our little porn is being met with. I thought what we did was pretty hardcore. But apparently, hamfisted references to ‘Euphoria,’ interlaced with sucking, fucking, and facesitting, isn’t enough to satisfy the sick and twisted sensibility of Gen Z. I’m expecting we will make upwards of 100 sequels to this film and I plan on bringing out some sex positions that have been banned in the European Union, if that doesn’t satisfy these degenerates I don’t know what will.”

Despite the criticism of “Screw-phoria,” teenage “Euphoria” obsessive Anaisha Kaur revealed a surprising affection for it.

“After I’ve watched an episode of the real show, my mind is going crazy, like I’m on drugs or something,” said Kaur. “I’m full of this intense, painful love for the characters, I feel their traumas viscerally, my whole body aches, and frankly, I’m as moist as a Clorox wipe inside a bottle of lotion down there. So, I’ve started watching ‘Screw-phoria’ straight afterward to calm me down. Maybe growing up on the Internet has totally desensitized me to porn, but it’s so pleasant and unstimulating and I just let it wash over me. I’ve even started using it in place of my white noise machine at night, and usually I’m asleep before Fezco says ‘climb onto my hog, babycakes – let’s burn rubber.’”

“Screw-phoria” director and self-styled “erotic auteur” Keith Runcible, 63, talked about his other teen drama-inspired parodies, and the similarly tepid receptions they have received.

“Honestly, I despair. I poured my heart and soul into ‘Sweaty & Veronica,’ my back-to-basics porn tribute to ‘Riverdale’ — only for it to be described as ‘cartoonish’,” said Runcible. “Then we made ’69 Reasons Why,’ which accidentally got uploaded to YouTube, and somehow didn’t trigger any content warnings. It’s still up on there — with twelve views and one comment that just says ‘came here with suicidal ideation, left laughing my ass off, thanks, guys.’ Well, I can only hope that we’ll be able to turn things around with the seven other episodes of ‘Screw-phoria’ that we have in the can.”

At press time, it was reported that Rocco Cockslinger had joined the cast of a local production of “Grease,” after his “Screw-phoria” performance had earmarked him as a perfect fit for the role of Kenickie.