MISSOULA, Mont. — A look of terror and shame reportedly ran across your very own face just now upon the creeping realization that the can you shotgunned contained dog food and not beer, stomach-churned sources confirmed.
“Ah shit, why does this keep happening? I was halfway down the can before I started noticing the meaty chunks of Alpo slithering down my gullet, but I just had to keep going to make sure! I was hoping against hope that maybe it was maybe an especially viscous microbrew,” you were heard to say, while fighting back what is surely a torrent of vomit. “But, sure enough, just like the last few dozen times, it was dog food, plain as day. Worst part was, there were no Greenies around to gnaw on to get the taste off my teeth. Just had to sit with it between my molars for the rest of the night. This is almost as bad as the time I ate an entire bowl of Kibbles ‘N Bits because it looked like Cocoa Pebbles.”
Early reports on the matter reveal your long-suffering girlfriend is finding this occurrence less and less becoming.
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed. I’d love to stand by my partner, but this tends to happen at, oh, EVERY social gathering we go to together and it’s getting old hat. At first we would say our goodbyes and rush to the hospital to get the big lummox’s stomach pumped,” said your live-in girlfriend of four years, Evelyn Herrara. “But I suspect he’s beginning to acquire a taste for it. You’ve gotta admit, his coat’s been looking especially lustrous as of late, and he’s way, way better at catching frisbees in his mouth than he was when I first met him. Which is impressive, because he’s always been pretty good at that.”
Kendra-Anne Defino, head sommelier at Missoula’s Ten Spoon Vineyard, has been working tirelessly to quell rumors that dog food is bad to consume.
“I sincerely believe that drinking the occasional glass of pet food can not only be good for the human system, but enriching to the palette. There are flavor notes and tannins that we homosapiens can only experience through the hard work of eating this slop, a term I use non-derogatorily,” said Defino, while swirling a snifter of 2007 Purina Pedigree Blend. “Plus, it’s way more inexpensive than even the cheapest bottle of wine, which also doesn’t tend to make its own gravy when you add a little water to it. The choice seems clear to me, but what do I know? I’m only HEAD SOMMELIER.”
After the uproar regarding the shotgunned can, the commotion died down, and the christening ceremony where this all took place was able to go on as planned.
Good grief Peanuts specials are terrible. Aside from the music of The Vince Guaraldi Trio, these things have zero entertainment value. They’re about to die, they deserve better.
I mean what am I trying to do, broadcast it to the poor bastards? Any movie that questions mom’s taste in men is out. It’s a big family, and I’ll need the element of surprise to succeed.
Casper is an odd one. This “friendly” ghost is a little creepy and possessive toward Christina Ricci. Frankly, it borders on problematic. I made a promise to Lidya Sheffield that I would help raise her children right, and even though I muttered “Until I freakin butcher you all with an axe on Halloween night” under my breath, it’s a promise I intend to keep.
This is the last night of these people’s lives, subjecting them to a Netflix-era Adam Sandler comedy just seems cruel. Almost as cruel as I’m going to be with that axe. The Sheffields are a good bunch, they deserve “Big Daddy” or better.
It’s sort of like “Hocus Pocus” meets “Eat Pray Love.” I prefer the one without the “Eat Pray Love” in it. Will “Hocus Pocus” be the last movie my family ever sees? Read on to find out!
Eh, kind of overrated, and it promotes a mistrust of adults. Appearances must be kept until the very final moment, just like last year and countless others.
It is a classic, and as a cinephile, I appreciate it, but it might be a little too slow-paced for the youngins. I don’t want them to fall asleep before I get to murder them with my axe, where would the fun be in that?!
The early mixture of animation with live action is charming, and it even teaches the kids a little something about World War II, but like, what’s the point in that? I’m about to murder them.
This animated spooky classic has really stood the test of time, and it will help the Sheffields cozy up to the idea of living without heads.
The Goosebumps books had come and gone before our kids came into this world, but they do love Jack Black. It’s only right that they spend this night with someone they love.
Personally, I always thought this live-action iteration of Scooby-Doo was a mess. Sarah Michelle Gellar is playing Buffy instead of Daphne, Freddie Prinze Jr. is playing Freddie Prinze Jr. instead of Fred, and why the hell are Shaggy and Scoob making fart jokes? Still, the kids seem to like it, and part of being a parent means putting their needs first before you brutally slaughter them.
I have some reservations about showing them this movie where the house itself is the monster, only for them to turn around and see that the monster is just some guy with an axe (me.) Kinda feels like a de-escalation.
An adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic directed by one of my favorite filmmakers Nicolas Roeg! At first, I thought “This would be a great entry point into Roeg’s filmography for the kids!” but then I was like “Oh, right, I’m murdering them.”
Bet you never thought you would see a Rob Zombie film on a list of family-friendly movies, but his recent Munsters reboot is squeaky clean. Don’t worry though, once the movie ends things are going to get “House of 1000 Corpses” around here real fast.
It’s got great spooky ambiance, but maybe not the right fit since the plot revolves around the protagonist being a virgin. I’m worried our youngest will ask me what a virgin is, and then we’ll have to have an awkward talk before THE URGE forces me to decapitate her with an axe.
This would be sort of an ironic choice since our own dog, a pit/lab mix by the name of Mr. Hamburger, is the only member of the family who is going to survive this night. I am a serial murderer of families, not some dipshit animal abuser!
Ghost and zombies and curses, oh my! “ParaNorman” packs a lot of spooky stuff into its 92-minute runtime, which is good, because that’s exactly how long the Sheffields have to experience as much as possible.
It’s short and sweet, just like my kid’s lives are about to be.
This one pushes the boundaries of PG-13 a bit and technically might be a little scarier than our youngest is used to, but come on. They’re all about to die. Live a little.
Nothing whets your appetite for brutal axe murder more than a strait-to-video ‘90s Olson Twins movie.
Maybe if the kids spent less time asking “What do toys get up to when we’re not looking” and more time asking “How come our new dad doesn’t let us in the tool shed” they would see tonight’s bloodbath coming.
This has been a sticking point for many hardline straight edgers for years. A representative from Salt Lake City submitted evidence of a young TikToker saying “I’m so addicted to my lip balm, I like can’t live without it” and posited that using lip moisturizing products is worse than heroin.
Members of the Boston hardcore scene remain steadfast in their belief that every variety of mushroom contains some sort of psychedelic element. This is a “better safe than sorry” proposal in order to protect straight edge scene members from accidentally expanding their mind.
Under this proposal, every straight edger must get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Anything less will be considered an edge break akin to smoking two packs of cigarettes.
Every adult straight edger must make this pilgrimage once in their life. If they do not do it before their death they will not be allowed to be buried with their favorite straight edge merch or have any straight edge songs played at their funeral
Members of the straight edge community remain unclear as to what exactly “hemp” is. This ban would include eating hemp seeds, and would penalize any member of the scene whot used hemp rope in their necklaces in the ‘90s.
In 2021 the elders enacted a ban on sunscreen, following a sharp increase in terrible sun burns at outdoor music festivals and skin cancer, members of the Florida scene are proposing this rule be reversed.
This one is pretty straight forward. If you need mind-altering chemicals while a medical professional removes your appendix then maybe the straight edge lifestyle isn’t for you.
A large faction of people were introduced to straight edge through mainstream personalities like CM Punk but have no connection to the history of straight edge, under this proposal these people would not be allowed to call themselves straight edge and must adopt a new term to be determined later. CM Punk himself will not be affected by this change.
Lots of people believe this means a “ban on pre-marital sex.” The scene elders clarified they also don’t really know what this should actually mean and continue to encourage any straight edger to participate in sex on the rare occasions it actually happens.
The California straight edge scene reminded the larger community that they do not recognize CBD as a drug and do not see its use as an edge break.
Just a nice, semi-romantic lakeside ghost tale. Not a drop of piss. Oh actually no there is one. Hmm.
Tugs at the heartstrings a bit maybe but just not that scary. Still a few more drops of piss though, curious.
A ‘90s teen twist on the legend of The Headless Horseman. I swear it wasn’t scary and yet there are clearly fresh piss drops here. Am I just like slowly leaking piss all the time and just now noticing? It’s soaking through multiple layers.
This one is honestly more whimsy than horror, and whatever issue I was having with piss seems to have righted itself. No wait there it goes again, what the fuck I just changed my underwear!
What could be scarier than an art class?! The answer is obviously lots of stuff. Okay, there’s a straight-up spot now. Did I put on dirty underwear by mistake? This is a Stephen King-sized piss stain, I don’t know what’s going on.
Jeffrey Dahmer lived in apartment 213, is she meant to be his neighbor? This Large Marge light story I would call spooky, but not scary, and yet the spot is bigger! Definitely not just the underwear, something is up with me.
This was a weird one and I’ve always appreciated the campiness of it, but in terms of fear there should be zero piss in my shorts and there is more than that, I could probably fill a water balloon at this point. Am I drinking too much water?
This one scared some of the piss out of me for sure. Not this much piss though. Some of this piss is definitely not fear-related, I’m a little alarmed. Could I be diabetic?
You never forget the taste of fear. You never forget the smell of fear either. It smells like piss. Okay yeah, the piss-to-fear ratio is way off here. Way off. Maybe a quick peak at WebMD is in order.
Definitely a few solid jump-scare moments in this spooky graveyard tale. One of them gave me a little spritz, but then several full-on spurts after that I can’t really explain. I’m 29, this is not right.
Okay there’s a lot more pee this time, but look at that guy. He looks like some kind of piss demon. I’m gonna just chalk this one up to the episode. I’m gonna go get all my piss out before the next ep, change underwear one more time, and hope that whatever was going on with me is done and I can stop worrying.
This one was a lot scarier back when I was a kid and librarians were still a force to be reckoned with, but watching it through adult eyes… God, more piss? I like, JUST went. What’s wrong with my body?
Scary stuff, but if I had to pick the scariest wizard I’m dealing with right now, it would be ME! Wizzin’ all over the goddamn place! I am straight-up damp. This is not normal. Am I still on Mom’s insurance?
This ghost story centering around the mystery of a girl killed on her way to the prom in the ‘50s warrants some urine, but this?! It’s getting on the couch now!
Here’s a scary story for ya, the tale of the soggy bottoms. Jesus, I am a MESS, piss-wise.
Grandma Arbuckle is in retirement and now a greeter at Wal-Mart, with a very low likelihood of workplace violence. The only thing anyone could blame her for was gossip. She absolutely lives for it. It’s actually caused problems with some of the customers, since her questions are far too probing. A manager at the nearest location was having an affair with someone in the warehouse where she worked, and that gossip alone absolutely made her month. It was like instant Christmas for Grandma Arbuckle. Besides occasionally pocketing batteries for the “clicker,” Grandma Arbuckle is mostly harmless.
Yes, this is Garfield’s teddy bear and best friend. Innocent, right? Wrong. Never disregard potential threats in the office. Sometimes it’s the quiet ones that suddenly lash out with a stapler. There’s mischief brewing in those lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. They might not respond to your email out of spite. They might not even talk to you. Then again, Pooky can’t talk. The worst you might get is a passive-aggressive door slam, if Pooky can even reach the knob.
Who doesn’t love Odie? Sure he can be mischievous towards Garfield, but this is often in retaliation for some annoying-as-fucking prank Garfield has pulled. He mostly wants to just hang around you and happily drool. The worst Odie might do is accidentally rummage through your desk looking for treats or chew your desk calendar up. Property destruction and vandalism is never tolerable. He’s a dog, what do you want?
Lyman disappeared from the Garfield newspaper strip in 1983 and hasn’t been seen since. Every company worries about that one distant disgruntled past employee unceremoniously fired, the one who promised to return while being carried out by security. Who else has been sending your office cryptic threats pasted together with individual letters cut from People magazine? It has to be Lyman, with his classic antagonist mustache and misleading smile. Report any tactics of intimidation, especially if Lyman begins standing across the street from the office “reading the newspaper” wearing nothing but a peacoat and mirrored sunglasses.
When you work in service and people don’t tip, it is understandably upsetting and tempting to seek revenge. That’s what lands Irma in trouble every time. She has thrown mugs at non-tippers, has even followed them out screaming. She has poured cement mix into gasoline tanks, and has not washed her hands when serving rude customers. Any minor upset with staff will result in her giving a month’s long silent treatment, as though conversation with her was a fucking treasure. Best just to nod and smile at her small talk. Do not accept her Facebook friend request.
Garfield is likely too lazy to ever actually cause any harm. He is mostly a constant grump, which honestly fits into most American corporate culture. But he also has a long memory and is constantly biding time for his own revenge. He has these ominous lists in his room, scribbled on the back of long CVS receipts, new names added each week after any minor altercation. What is he planning on doing with those lists? You go out of your way to be nice to Garfield, but it doesn’t seem to work. Nothing makes Garfield happy, except when it’s 4:59pm, when this lazy cat becomes an Olympic runner heading for the door.
Garfield’s Mother is the one that’s been around forever, employed since day one. And somehow she is the biggest bully of them all. Nearing complete bitterness and dripping with cruelty, Garfield’s Mother is every judgmental co-worker that you’ve ever worked with. They call you unwanted nicknames. They talk about you behind your back. But they also eat garbage from the back courtyard of an Italian restaurant, so you try not to judge. There’s clearly something wrong going on here. They smell like old halibut. Despite their personal hygiene, Garfield’s Mom is still employed since the company somehow can’t function without her.
Everyone knows a short king constantly trying to prove themselves, and that’s Squeak the mouse. Way, way too sensitive. Always getting into fights in the parking lot, or challenging people over any perceived threat. Overdoes it with the cologne. One time at a work conference, Squeak pulled a dude’s clip-tie off and threw it into a corporate fountain. You don’t think Squeak would ever actually get into a real brawl, but he’s reckless. Too reckless. Squeak was an unfortunate choice as a new “work lunch friend” during the first week or so. You’ve avoided him ever since, even though he hits you up on Slack all the time about your lunch plans.