MIAMI — Skippy, a two-year-old Goldendoodle who only barks at Black folks, qualified for the third GOP primary debate being held tonight at Miami’s Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts, sources confirmed.
“In order to qualify for this primary debate, candidates needed to poll at 4% or higher in two national polls, have at least 70,000 unique donors, and promise to support whoever is the final nominee,” said RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel. “Skippy, a racist…I’m sorry…uhh…good dog, has not only met all the qualifications to appear on stage tonight, but he is blowing Ron DeSantis out of the water when it comes to campaign donations. Skippy polls especially well with older white women who have pet allergies. We’re looking forward to a substantive debate on the issues.”
Republican candidate Nikki Haley criticized the late addition of Skippy to the debate and attacked the bigoted canine for his lack of concrete policy positions.
“If I’m being honest, it is absolutely absurd that we’re allowing Skippy to participate in this debate. It’s absurd not because he’s racist…I mean…NOT racist…or because he’s a dog but because he hasn’t taken a stand on ANY of the issues impacting real Americans,” said Haley. “What is his position on Israel? Where does he stand on abortion? How does he plan to combat the leftist forces working to undermine the Constitution? If you asked Skippy, you wouldn’t know! Because he hasn’t spoken about these issues at all. The most he does is sit on command, anyone can do that.”
Janet and Mark Smith, residents of The Villages in central Florida and Skippy’s owners, said Skippy’s insurgent campaign has caught them by surprise.
“I just want to clear the air here,” said Mr. Smith. “Just because Skippy is my racist…sorry…my VERY GOOD boy and is running for president DOES NOT mean I don’t still support President Trump. Because I do. OK? You all in the lamestream media need to hear that. This whole ‘Skippy running for president’ idea was my wife’s. She thought it’d be cute to make a ‘Skippy for 2024’ Instagram page. My granddaughter taught me how to use it. I had no idea he’d gain such a supportive, viral following among my fellow conservatives. They especially liked the videos where he’s barking at certain strangers while on our walks.”
At press time, Skippy was outside the Miami venue growling at Tim Scott’s campaign bus.