20. “Degenerate”
Your grandfather once went missing on an epic bender for six days in the late ‘80’s. The lyrics to this song are basically a word-for-word retelling of the events that occurred during that time. It’s a dark smudge on an otherwise tumultuous, yet fulfilling life. Your family isn’t going to want to be reminded of it no matter how hilarious and legendary it seemed to you.
19. “Shut Up And Play A Song – Live”
They say laughter is the best medicine, and you definitely believe them having never been to a therapy session in your entire life. You might be thinking that a track featuring two twenty-somethings talking about their dicks for nearly eleven minutes is just what this party needs. For the last time, this is a funeral, not a party, and nearly none of these jokes hold up.
18. “First Date”
There are a couple of issues with this one right off the bat: 1. No one gives a shit about your hair or how long it took you to pick out the only suit you own before coming here. 2. You should in no way be considering romantic situations with anyone in the room today, not even your hot cousin, so just drop it. Lastly, no one here wants to make this ceremony last “forever, and ever.”
17. “Just About Done”
We’ll admit it, the guitars on this one are metal as fuck, and it would be fun to watch your grieving family start slam dancing at the cemetery. The look on the pastor’s face would be worth it alone. Still, with how rapidly some of the older members of your family are aging, we’re pretty sure you would feel partly guilty for all of the broken hips that would occur. Many in attendance would surely want you to feel financially responsible too, and you can’t afford to leave the country again.
16. “FUCK FACE”
When your father is giving his somber, touching, and deeply moving eulogy for his dead dad, it’s preferable that no music is playing at all. If music has to be playing at a low volume, however, it’s best to pick a soothing instrumental over a track that repeatedly yells “SHUT UP YOU TALK TOO MUCH.” Let your dad have his moment. He hasn’t been this emotional since the Broncos won the 1998 Super Bowl.
15. “Strings”
Thematically, this one isn’t actually that bad, but it features one of Mark’s worst vocal takes ever recorded. We get that he was young and ‘Buddha’ is supposedly an album of demos, but yikes. It’s so bad your grandfather might even become conscious again just to tell you to turn it off. That would be horrifying for all involved. Skip it.
14. “Voyeur”
Pepaw Stephen was by no means a perfect man. As we’ve said before, there are some aspects about his life that your family would prefer to keep private. This includes a period of time in which he was facing multiple counts of voyeurism. Though he always claimed it was a wrong turn that landed him inside the vent that overlooks the locker room on that fateful day, no one’s ever truly believed him.
13. “Touchdown Boy”
“Sack’em Steve,” as he was known back then, was the starting quarterback of his high school football team and hooked up with nearly everyone at his academic institution during his tenure. This isn’t really the time to bring that sort of thing up, though. Not even in tribute. Save this one for after the function when you inevitably wind up at a bar with all of his old and problematic teammates.
12. “Fuck A Dog”
Like many of his generation, your late grandpa loved tasteless jokes about bestiality and sodomy. Not everyone in the family was a fan of his crude sense of humor, however. Not only that, it’s going to look super weird when your loved ones see you sobbing during this track.
11. “Stay Together For The Kids”
Your grandparents almost got a divorce back in the late ’90s. Though it was a dark time for all involved, they managed to pull through and put another twenty or so years into the game called love. There’s no need to remind your dad of the marriage counseling he paid for or your grandmother about the multiple affairs Stephen was having so long after the fact.
10. “Heart’s All Gone”
You might be thinking this is an appropriate nod to your Grandfather’s failed triple bypass surgery, but it might come off a bit insensitive. Only medical terms should be used when discussing this subject, and it probably shouldn’t be brought up at all. We’re honoring a man’s life here, not his terrible final hours.
9. “Bored to Death”
Almost everyone knows that funerals, though sad, are some of the most mind-numbing events you can attend. That’s because grief isn’t supposed to be fun. No matter how many people relate, it’s not proper to admit abject apathy at an event as serious as this.
8. “Built This Pool”
The entire lyric sheet to this song is two sentences: “Woo, woo, I wanna see some naked dudes. That’s why I built this pool.” First of all, everyone knows you’ve never built anything in your life, let alone a pool inside a funeral home. Secondly, most of the dudes here are in their late 70s and they look it. We don’t care what you do in your spare time, but leave it at home for the sake of yours and everyone else’s eyes.
7. “Blow Job Live/1999”
This track might do well at all the depraved sex parties you claim to attend, but not here. In fact, asking for a blow job at a funeral is the type of thing that gets people arrested. No kink shaming here, but keep this one to yourself.
6. “The Party Song”
It’s true that in his younger days your Grandfather loved to party, but this is a somber event. Everyone here is either sobbing uncontrollably or pondering their own mortality (a lot of his friends are very old). No one in attendance wants to hear a song about seeing someone do a keg stand during a ska band set and wishing they were back home masturbating instead.
5. “Depends”
They say you should never kick a man when he’s down. This is even more applicable when that man’s lifeless body is mere feet away from you in an open casket. Now is not the time to make fun of the late patriarch of your family for wearing adult diapers. Your inconsolable Grandmother who had to change said diapers will be less than pleased if this one hits the playlist.
4. “When You Fucked Grandpa”
Chances are that no one at this gathering is going to want to think about getting physically intimate with your grandfather while they are mourning him at his funeral. You may have heard that he used to be a bit promiscuous, but this is neither the time or place to churn the rumor mill on that subject. Even Mark finds the subject matter to be disgusting and he’s the one singing it.
3. “Ben Wah Balls”
According to the top five books on funeral etiquette, you’ll want to avoid playing songs that revolve around sex toys, especially anal sex toys. We know Ol’ Steve loved to fart and sing a special song, but now is not the time to remind your family of that.
2. “Family Reunion” – Live/1999
As a general rule of thumb you always want to avoid songs from live albums at funerals. Imagine playing a live version of “Wind Beneath My Wings”? Nobody wants that. This particular Blink-182 song is a nearly verbatim tribute to Carlin’s “7 Words You Can’t Say on TV” bit and those words also apply to funerals. Not to mention the line at the end of the song about your mom getting banged.
1. “Happy Holidays, You Bastard”
This should be no surprise. Your dad, who can’t stop crying, is not going to want to listen to a song where he’s propositioned to suck someone off. Not to mention your grandpa’s incontinence was legendary in his final days and being reminded of that is not what your family needs right now.