29. “Does My Breath Smell?”
When meeting with extended family that you haven’t seen in years, it’s perfectly natural to feel a bit self-conscious. Still, a funeral is not really the place to complain about how you can’t seem to get laid. Also, if you’re getting kicked in the groin repeatedly at a funeral, you might need to consider more than the freshness of your breath.
28. “All The Small Things”
Though the song’s chorus does indeed reference a Gospel song often sung at funerals, we doubt it’s intentional. Also, if you think you can hear the line ‘she left me roses by the stairs’ without loudly yelling ‘and then she touched my pubic hair,’ you’re out of your mind.
27. “Dick Lips”
When your mother quietly asks you to stop vaping during the sermon, you may be tempted to put on this track about teenage rebellion and the hypocrisies of parental punishment. The problem with this move is that you’re 34 and no one is trying to ground you.
26. “Carousel”
When you were fifteen you played the intro to this song on your bass so many times in a row that your Grandfather came into your room, snatched the instrument away from you, and slammed it against a wall for thirty minutes straight. That was actually incredibly traumatic for you, so we’re not sure why you’d want to reminisce about it now.
25. “Can’t Get You More Pregnant”
Yes, your grandfather is physically incapable of impregnating anyone in his current state. What you might not know is that he’s never actually had the capability to begin with. That’s right. Your father is adopted, and no one has ever had the strength to tell him. Playing this track might make this family secret come to life, and consequently your dad’s head will explode.
24. “All of This”
This song has a cameo from Robert Smith, who would probably be a great person to book for a funeral set on his own accord, but in this arrangement it’s almost too sad. Like, we’re mortifyingly depressed even thinking about this song. Imagine playing it in a room filled with mourning people. Too risky.
23. “A New Hope”
Your grandfather often cited the original Star Wars trilogy as “everything that’s wrong with Liberal America,” but he also once said that Carrie Fisher was a “real looker.” Considering the gray area here, it’s probably best to leave it off so as to not ruffle any feathers.
22. “Anthem Part Two”
Your granpappy was a man who did everything he could to support his family when he wasn’t piss-drunk at some dive bar across town. You can talk about generational curses at Thanksgiving. Today is for honoring a life well lived.
21. “On Some Emo Shit”
Arguably the worst song on the worst Blink record. What are you thinking? The congregation at your grandfather’s funeral is a group of refined taste, and you’re out here serving some mid song with a trite ‘the one that got away’ trope. You should be ashamed of yourself for even considering this one.