Hatebreed formed in 1994 and initially spread their brand of baggy-pantsed metalcore from Connecticut all the way to the western end of Connecticut. Shortly after though they caught the ears of Victory Records, released their seminal album “Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire,” and ushered in the new era of mosh that they continue to this very day. Well, we shit-chugged a gallon of Monster Energy drink, punched a few holes in the wall of our stepdad’s house, then sat down with every one of their records and ranked them all.
So, AWWWWWWWWWWW LET THE RANKING BEGIN!
8. Self-Titled (2009)
Jamey and the boys somehow missed the memo that your self-titled album is supposed to be your first while you’re still in your awkward my-stepdad-said-we-could-practice-in-his-basement phase and not ten years in. I know they say don’t judge a book by its cover but the opposite rules apply for albums. The art on this looks like the designer was getting paid by the number of Photoshop layers they could add and the music has that same “we recorded all the ideas at once” vibe.
Play it again: “Everyone Bleeds Now”
Skip it: “Words Become Untruth”
7. The Divinity of Purpose (2013)
“Here’s to burning out and here’s to fading away – Fuck you both, I just put it to the torch.” Probably the best line on the album and I don’t want to say that Hatebreed is either burning out or fading away on this one but the flames rising off their logo might seem a little dimmer. I may be alone in this but sometimes standing for what you believe means standing alone. I heard that in a song once.
Play it again: “Honor Never Dies”
Skip it: “Indivisible”
6. Weight of the False Self (2020)
2020 was a hard year. And I don’t really mean Covid, the riots, the rise of global fascism, or just the general unraveling of everything decent and sane about society. The worst part was the lack of new music. So it was great that we got a new album from Hatebreed. It was a nice temporary escape from the shit storm but much like a lot of things from 2020, it’s not really something you need to revisit.
Play it again: “Cling To Life” Hot guitar leads!
Skip it: Remembering 2020
5. The Rise of Brutality (2003)
What’s the most badass way to start an album? If you said anything other than a reprise of the mosh outro from your previous album you are dead wrong. Trying to capture the same secret sauce they had on “Perseverance” there are a lot of the same tricks here. Unfortunately, just like how I’m crashing from drinking all that Monster Energy, this album runs out of steam the further on into it you get.
Play it again: “Facing What Consumes You”
Skip it: “Choose Or Be Chosen”
4. The Concrete Confessional (2016)
Dropping an album this good twenty years into your career shouldn’t even be legal. Not resting on their laurels for even a fucking second this is their most overtly metal album with a variety of influences on full display. There are moments of both ‘80s thrash and ‘90s groove metal and actual flesh-melting solos making this their most musically diverse album. Oh, and what’s that? They forgot to bring the mosh? Try again, motherfucker.
Play it again: “A.D.” and “From Grace We’ve Fallen”
Skip it: “Walking The Knife”
3. Supremacy (2006)
Five angry white guys screaming the word “supremacy” in 2023 would probably be unadvisable but in 2006 it was forgivable. Limp Bizkit once had a cringe-tastic hit with “Break Stuff” which I would assume is about being a full-grown ass adult who has no impulse control and throws a temperature tantrum over a slight inconvenience? Hatebreed seems to set those clowns straight with how to actually do it here with “Destroy Everything.”
Play it again: “Divine Judgment” “Destroy Everything” “Give Wings To My Triumph”
Skip it: Being a Limp Bizkit apologist
2. Satisfaction is the Death of Desire (1997)
I mean, I mentioned it in the intro so of course it was going to be in the top 2. A lot of the olds out there would tell you this is their best album and they really have a strong argument. For better or for worse (in some cases much worse) this was the album that gave the world metalcore. This is surely the soundtrack for many old hardcore dudes who find themselves crowd-killing in their car alone while inching along in traffic on the way to their soul-crushing bullshit job (hypothetically speaking.)
Play it again: Yes
Skip it: No
1. Perseverance (2002)
Vin Diesel jumping out of a plane with a snowboard attached to his feet while guzzling a SoBe energy drink so he can somehow defeat the bad guys in “XXX” while “I Will Be Heard” plays in the background is the peak moment of the 2000s and maybe even just human history in general. The production of this album is in that sweet spot of being just raw enough to give it street cred while actually mixed well enough so you can hear everything. Jasta loses the negativity to his lyricism from Satisfaction and switches gears to become the hardest motivational speaker you’ve ever seen. Fuck you, Tony Robbins.
Play it again: Every hard second
Skip it: That embarrassing sequel to XXX Vin Diesel did
That red and white striped sweater and beanie in your closet may have been helpful in years past when you needed a last-minute costume, but it’s going to be useless for getting out of jury duty. You’ll just look like any other millennial liberal arts school graduate with a day job and the capacity to fulfill their civic responsibilities.
Bob Ross is always a solid costume thanks to the requisite wig, but if you show up to the courthouse as Bob, not only will you have to serve your duty, they might also ask you to make courtroom sketches. Better roll up the sleeves to that button-down shirt and have fun deliberating over whether or not to convict someone for their happy little insurance fraud accidents.
If you own a neutral-colored blanket and the $9.99 it takes to buy a fuzzy pink pig nose and matching ears on Amazon, you’ve got yourself a costume. Once you get to the courthouse parking lot, strap those things on and wrap yourself up as tight as you can in the blanket. There’s no guarantee this will help get you excused from the jury, but if you must serve, at least you’ll be all warm and cozy.
No matter what princess you dress up as, you’ve got options. As Snow White you could claim to have food poisoning, as Aurora you could cite narcolepsy, et cetera—get creative with it. But if that doesn’t work, you’ll just have to say you’ve got a child’s birthday party to appear at and hope the judge shows some compassion.
How effective this costume will be depends on your state of residence. If you’re in the Midwest or parts of the South, chances are dressing as Dorothy won’t help you much. Unless of course you start clicking your heels together and chanting, “I want to go home! I want to go home!!” That should do the trick.
While active duty soldiers may have to serve jury duty, general officers, commanders, and trainees are automatically exempt, so pull on those combat boots, strut yourself into the courthouse, and look in command. Hopefully they won’t bother asking you for verification, but if they do and you actually have to serve, at least you can go get a 10% discount somewhere when it’s over.
This “easy” costume is nothing short of a logistical nightmare in a courthouse. They’ll make you take the sheet off to walk through security, then you’ll have to take it off again to have your picture taken at the reception desk. But if you insist on dressing as a ghost, you’ll just have to really commit and say you’re the victim of the murder committed by whoever is being tried that day—which is a dark thing to say and this is civil court, but do you want to get out of jury duty or not?
Dressing as Stereotypical Barbie could be helpful since men in power would question your ability to manage your lady emotions and jury a fair trial, but if you dress as Civic Barbie and say your favorite accessory is bias, the chances of your duty being waived are decent.
Carmen Sandiego founded the Villain’s International League of Evil, which “seeks to commit incredible thefts and/or cause chaos in other ways,” and is not a job one can be expected to just take a day off from to be on some dumb jury. Besides, you have to be a United States citizen to serve jury duty, and with that classy red get-up, no one will know where in the world you’re from.
As the saying goes, “no shirt, no shoes, no service,” so how can they possibly expect you to serve when you’re shirtless, finned, and shimmering in the glow of the overhead lighting? You’re too much of a distraction to solve a crime. See, you knew getting into an eBay bidding war for that tail wasn’t a waste of time and money after all.
It’s perfectly fine to use hair gel to style your mohawk, as long as you don’t mind being a total fucking poser. Gel won’t bring a lot to the table, structurally speaking, so unless your hawk is shorter than two or three inches, this probably won’t work out too well for you.
Hairspraying your hair and blow drying it is a tried and true method of mohawkery. However, hairspray won’t usually hold up an entire mohawk on its own with additional help. That’s why we only recommend using the hairspray and blow dryer trick on thinning hair, otherwise the support needed just isn’t there.
Glue is a time-tested and approved mohawk styling substance, though with so many options available it’s important to choose wisely. Elmer’s glue is fine for touching up loose ends, but not as a primary load-bearing goo. If you’re looking for a more robust glue to hold up your mohawk, Gorilla Glue is the only way to go. Plus you’ll only have to do your hair once a month at most, freeing you to focus on more important things in life.
If you need to put up your mohawk and don’t mind using ground up horse hooves to do so, gelatin could be right for you. The only problem with this method is most people can’t wait in their refrigerator for 2-4 hours waiting for the gelatin to set, despite the fact that the majority of people with mohawks are largely unemployed.
Egg whites are still a viable option for doing your mohawk, even if its use has declined as veganism becomes more prevalent. Studies about whether Egg Beaters work or not are inclusive, so let us know in the comments if you’ve used them to do your hawk with.
Wheatpaste has been used to slather show flyers, propaganda posters, and missing dog announcements since time immemorial. A lot of people don’t know that it can also be used to hold mohawks up. Not unlike with egg whites, the rise of veganism has sent punks searching for wheatpaste alternatives such as quinoa, rice, and flax seed paste.
Consumer-grade pomade is basically hair gel that takes at least three showers to fully wash out, and is not recommended to do your mohawk with. You can, however, stop by your local rockabilly club to pick up some industrial strength pomade. Just be prepared to constantly have to talk to rockabillies, which for many of us is a total deal breaker.
You know the movie, the scene, and the gag. While we’re not officially endorsing this method, the results speak for themselves. Just try not to feel too guilty afterward, as it’s part of a healthy, normal hair care regimen when properly regulated.
As any punk will tell you, the longer you don’t wash your hair, the more rigid it becomes. At first the weight of all the dirt will hold your hair down, but after a few weeks that same dirt will provide excellent support as your mohawk becomes almost as hard and crispy as your dirty ass socks are.
Obviously we’re not saying anyone should go out and procure the blood of the innocent, as that would be immoral and illegal. Having said that, if you ever get tired of normal people continually asking you what products you used to get your mohawk up, just tell them that you used the blood of the innocent. That should get them off your case.
One of the most durable substances on earth is the McDonald’s strawberry milkshake. It can’t be melted, evaporated, frozen, or even boiled. Meaning that you can put a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake in your hair and immediately give your mohawk a robust volume that will stay standing up for weeks on end.
Many of us bombard our hair with a litany of damaging products, fry it with endless blow drying, and spend hours and hours trying to break its will so it can be styled how we want it. Rather than bullying your mohawk into doing what you want it to do, why not simply ask it if it would stand up on its own? In hair as in life, open communication goes a long way.
Sometimes you don’t need to put your mohawk up, but rather convince others that it is up. That’s where smoke and mirrors come in. A few simple misdirections combined with a solid audience patter should be more than enough to fool people into thinking your mohawk is actually standing up.
Start by placing the rebar approximately one foot to either side of your head. Next you will need to tie the rebar so that it remains in its respective position. Once the concrete is in place, observe the configuration to ensure that no shifting in the mohawk has occurred. Wait between 24 and 48 hours before use.
This Gordian knot of a hair product involves simply tying helium balloons to your hair and having them do the lifting. Sure, you’ll look like a complete tool walking around with balloons on your head like an idiot, but your mohawk will be standing up won’t it?
Similar to the helium balloon strategy, this one also involves holding your hair up with strings. In this case, however, you’ll need a partner to operate the little wooden sticks. While effective, this method is only practical when your mohawk needs to move and transform throughout the evening.
Say you wanted to do the marionette puppet strings method but your friend is an idiot and can’t operate a piece of wood with strings attached to them. Just have them hold your mohawk up with their hands, if you think they can manage it.
The anti-gravity ray is the most effective tactic in getting your mohawk to stand up. Only problem is, unless your aim is spot on, everything else in the room will begin floating into space alongside your mohawk.
If you get a gross ass skin disease your hair will naturally stand up in an effort to avoid open sores, pustules, boils, and more. This could be the most affordable method on our list.
Let’s face it, unless you’re 17 or younger you look like a moron with a mohawk. It’s probably best that you shave it now, and save yourself the embarrassment down the road.