VATICAN CITY – The Roman Catholic Church recently unveiled a new limited-edition Berry Blast flavor for the Holy Sacrament of Communion, sources at the Vatican confirmed.
“The Church of Rome has long been beset by an ever decreasing number of youthful congregants,” said Pope Francis in his weekly Angelus address. “But we pray that this delicious new Eucharist will endear us to younger generations. Please trust that our ends are neither nefarious nor perverse. We simply desire for new worshipers to enter our doors, such that we may convince them that ours is the only Church with a path towards salvation, and that to deviate even in the slightest from our teachings is to damn oneself to everlasting hellfire. And that a very tasty snack may entice them to do all this. You know, pretty standard stuff.”
Catholics around the world voiced support for the new culinary improvements.
“I think this is the most exciting thing to come out of the Church since the Second Vatican Council,” said Daniel Denton, a Millennial Catholic who attends Mass regularly. “Don’t get me wrong: I love the Holy Sacrament, but I’ve always said the Body of Christ was a little bland. Like, let me at least get a side of ranch. But this new flavor? So delicious. I’ve been going to Mass eight or nine times a week just to get another taste. I heard they’re going to do more flavors, too. Cheesy Nacho, Flamin’ Hot, Wintermint. Maybe even a PRIME Crossover or something. Now if the Church would just put this flavor out as a vape juice – man, I’m literally salivating right now.”
Katrina Cutrera, Senior VP of Marketing at the Vatican, noted that the Church’s announcement is the culmination of months of preparation.
“We spent considerable sums on market research to develop the perfect flavor and texture. After many weeks of trial and error, we finally settled on this unique gummy consistency, accented by Holy Flavor Crystals,” said Cutrera. “And in support of this new flavor roll-out, we will also be launching a web-based ad campaign. We actually just finished shooting our first commercial. It’s a take on those Trix ads, except instead of cereal, it’s the Body of Christ, and instead of adults trying to get a hold of the delicious treat, it’s Baptists.”
At press time, a contingent of church goers was forming outside the Vatican to protest the new flavor, claiming that, if anything, Jesus was lemon-lime.