Like many Americans, we’re behind on our clickbait quota, and our mom has been on our case to watch “The Big Theory.” We figured we would kill two birds with one stone. We would finally watch the show mom swears we’ll love so we have something to talk about at Thanksgiving besides whose died in our hometown this year, and then do a ranking of all the characters. “What could go wrong?” We literally asked that out loud to ourselves, such was our hubris.
Holy bazinga this show is bad. Are we using that right? We really wouldn’t know, because two and a half random episodes of this even-by-Chuck_Lorre-standards drivel of a show is all we could sit through. There are twelve seasons of this? How?! Well, we’ve gotten used to disappointing our mom, but not our editor, so as promised, here are the characters of “The Big Bang Theory” ranked by closing our eyes and shuffling the names around on a spreadsheet.
35. Eric Gablehauser
Coming in dead last is Dr. Eric Gablehauser because let’s face it, that’s where we placed him randomly with our eyes closed. According to the fan Wiki, he’s the main character’s mean boss, so maybe fans would agree? It’s hard to say but if we’re accidentally right, hey, we’ll take it!
34. V.M. Koothrappali
He’s Raj’s Dad, and that’s about all the fan sites have to say about him, so it’s probably fine that he’s ranked so low. Oh my god, are we nailing this? I think we are. We can’t wait to ignore all the “Big Bang Theory” Reddit boards when they discuss these rankings and then go to sleep alone.
33. Stephanie Barnett
This is a direct quote from the fan wiki—”Stephanie’s primary role in the show is being Leonard’s girlfriend.” Kind of highlights a lot of the reasons we could not get into this show.
32. Beverly Hofstadter
We know what you Big Bang heads must be thinking—”How can you rank Leonard’s neuroscientist Mom so low on the list?!” The answer is we essentially pulled these out of a hat, and we’re having trouble recollecting which one Leonard is.
31. Mrs. Koothrappali
We didn’t catch an episode with her in it, but we’re willing to bet Chuck Lorre’s 2D caricature of an Indian mom makes every “Dharma and Greg” character seem as flushed out and complex as Tony Soprano.
30. Mary Cooper
Oh, Sheldon’s mom is a born-again Christian? I bet that’s funny for like, one beat, and then joylessly played over again and again for 12 years.
29. President Siebert
Actually, this is the one deliberate ranking on this list. That’s right, we at the Hard Times believe President Siebert belongs at exactly #29 on this list, and it’s a hill we WILL die on. You hear me Siebert-heads?! Siebert nation, stand down and don’t @ us!
28. Halley Wolowitz
Halley is a child. We have no idea what she adds to the show. Let’s just move this along.
27. Dave Gibbs
According to Wikipedia he’s a founding member of the Boston power-pop band Giglo Aunts. That can’t be right. This character looks like someone familiar, someone important to the world of pop culture who might have created a decent sitcom.
26. Richard Williams
I guess someone’s boss is like an Air Force guy? Like in “I Dream of Jeannie?” Honestly, that’s the move. If your show is going to be this cookie-cutter and lazy just go all the way and throw in a sex genie.
25. Wyatt
At first, the Wyatt storyline was an intriguing part of the show’s cerebral hook, but like many of its early mysterious yet promising elements it didn’t materialize into much with the latter seasons and ultimately doomed the show. Wait, no, that was “Westworld.” What are we doing again?
24. Penny
The fan wiki says she’s the primary female character of the series, an attractive person who is married to a nerd! Can you believe it!? Oh, you can? Commonplace for decades you say? Both in real life and popular media? Hmm. The wiki also lists her IQ as 100. Wow. Just… god, fuck this thing.
23. Kurt
Okay going off just his picture I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the dumb bully. Let’s check the fan wiki and see how I did: “A muscular, but not very educated man, Kurt is arrogant and condescending toward the likes of Leonard and Sheldon.” You could probably write this whole episode with no additional information and your script would be like 80% right.
22. Janine Davis
She’s Caltech’s HR manager who enforces political correctness. “Boo, hiss, bazinga!” (cue laugh track.)
21. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz
Bernadette is one of the main characters and a microbiologist, so she is presumably very smart. I say presumably because her fan wiki page does not list her IQ, which is odd. After all, it does that for all of the male main characters and the other female lead, which again is exactly 100. Does this speak volumes about the attitude of this show and its fanbase? Who’s to say? Those are just the facts.
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