The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Unpaid Child Support Increases by 50% After Godsmack Announces Tour

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Carter Schenke

LAWRENCE, Mass. — A new government report shows that unpaid child support rose nearly by half following the legendary butt rock band Godsmack’s recent tour announcement, concerned sources confirmed.

“I’m an honest man, I’ve been paying my child support ever since I lost the third court appeal,” said divorced father and die-hard Godsmack fan Chuck Wentworth. “But I just can’t miss this Godsmack tour. The tickets are expensive as anything, but I’m willing to shell out. I mean, my kids are alright, but this is so much more than that. I mean, have you ever heard ‘Cryin’ Like a Bitch’? It’s like poetry, it would make me cry if doing such a thing wouldn’t directly threaten my masculinity.”

Judge Clark Edwards noted the uptick in family court cases every time the band tours.

“It’s something everyone at the courthouse mentally prepares for, kind of like how retail workers prepare for Black Friday,” Edwards said. “At this point I’ve seen every defense. A surprising number of fathers try to play the victim card, they talk about how hard it is having to change jobs every couple of weeks to avoid their paychecks being garnished. I’d probably feel a bit more sympathetic for them if they were the type of divorced dads that spent their checks seeing some washed-up hair metal band, at least that’s a bit more tolerable. But I have no place in my court for anyone who thinks Sully Erna’s soul patch makes him a ‘cool bad boy.’”

Therapist Ashley Foster has noticed the trend, and offered up an explanation as to why Godsmack concerts are so important to this particular demographic.

“It’s a matter of creating a safe space,” said Foster. “What’s the one thing dads skipping out on child support want to be reminded of even less than their kids? Their wives. Godsmack shows create an event that no woman would ever be present at, ensuring that attendees completely minimize the risk of ever being reminded of their wives. It’s a win-win for them in every imaginable way.”

At press time, Wentworth was seen doing donuts with his Harley in a Denny’s parking lot.

Help! This Bartender Is Far Too Intimidating To Ask if They Have a Charger

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Alex Vlahov

Welcome to my worst nightmare: I’m at a bar far from home, my phone only has 3% charge left, and now I have to ask a favor from this intimidating bartender.

Fuck, this dude knows what’s up. He’s playing Nick Cave while projecting ‘Hausu’. This isn’t a run-of-the-mill dive bar, with a baseball game on TV. This bartender is completely covered in original ink work from esteemed tattoo artists with fees higher than my rent. Damn.

His facial piercings communicate “this was expensive,” with a hint of “fuck you.” He has thick, immaculate facial hair. Black denim, tucked into Doc Martens, with black suspenders over a Death Grips tee. He hasn’t said a word to any customer, except the regular in the corner, and even then it seems like they’re talking shit about everyone else.

“Hey, sorry to ask, I bet you guys get this all the time-” and I’ve already said too much. His eyebrows raise. He could’ve watched 4 TikToks and gotten another tattoo in the time it took for me to blab this question out. “…I know this is super super annoying, sorry in advance, but do you happen to have a charger?” He offers his hand, saying nothing. I guess I’m supposed to give him my phone now? A meek “thank you” escapes my mouth. I look around, realizing how awkward it is without anything in my hands. I pick up a decorative old cloth-bound book from the faux library/fireplace, but the bartender shouts at me to put it back.

I go to the bathroom for any blissful variety and suddenly remember that my phone has had difficulty charging lately. I’ve had to press hard on the charge port or jiggle it around while inside. When I come out of the bathroom, I ask, “Hey, so sorry to be annoying, but my phone doesn’t always charge. It’s old and kinda weird. Could you check and make sure it’s actually charging?” The bartender stares at me with a deep annoyance, too uncaring to be called hatred. He walks to the register, checks my phone and mumbles, “It’s charging, OK?” Fantastic.

The bar starts to get busy so I close out. Now he’s playing Lydia Lunch while projecting ‘Wild at Heart’. Fuck. He’s so cool. It’s about a block away that I realize I’ve left my phone behind, knowing I can never go back for it.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because Our Therapy Lamp Doesn’t Do Anything

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

The once bountiful sunlight of spring and summer is now dwindling, and now it will be nearly absent from your life until March so that farmers can continue to not use alarm clocks unabated. It’s as tragic as it is horrifying, and seemingly there is nothing you can do to stop the impending darkness. Before you consider doing something drastic like waking up at 4 a.m. to get some extra rays like a deranged lunatic, you might want to delve into a new fad sweeping the nation called ‘music.’ Music has been scientifically proven to improve moods and increase stamina, which are two aspects of your life that aren’t up to par even during the warmer months. Without further ado, here are eight songs that might help you feel less like you have a vitamin D deficiency.

MGMT “Mother Nature”

In case you haven’t already heard from your most stoned friend, MGMT announced a new record “Loss of Life,” their first since 2018’s return-to-form “Little Dark Age.” Its lead single “Mother Nature” is their most straightforward stab at indie-pop since their nearly twenty-year-old debut album. This is not to say their style has been watered down, however. The production still offers a bevy of psychedelic fuckery to shock and confuse, leading your aforementioned stoner friend to say things like “woah… the strings are like… real melty dude.”

Cloud Nothings “Final Summer”

Never ones to shy away from experimentation, Dylan Baldi’s indie outfit Cloud Nothings runs the gamut of punk stylings from powerpop to hardcore. Their latest single, “Final Summer,” finds them treading into the land of psych-rock, blending soaring synths with droning guitar work and a catchy – as always – vocal hook nestled firmly in between the aforementioned swirling layers. If you want people to actually come to your shows this winter, take a page out of Cloud Nothings’ book and change things up every once in a while, you coward.

Fucked Up “Spot The Difference”

Twenty-two years into their storied career, Canada’s Fucked Up still sound like they’re just getting started. Their latest single ‘Spot The Difference’ combines their penchant for cathartic scream-along choruses with some serious early Clash-inspired guitars, keeping in theme with their previous single ‘Show Friends’ and proving that the old can always be made vibrantly new again. Before it inspires you to call up your former bandmates, try to remember that you still owe them thousands of dollars and reconsider the gesture.

Natural Sway “Ey You!”

As an infinitely evolving recording project for songwriter and Ohio Indie institution Ryan Eilbeck, Natural Sway has taken on forms as vast as Eilbeck’s hooks are endearing. From experimental drum-machine based solo iterations to full ensemble triumphs, the project seemingly has no shortage of avenues to explore. Its latest album, ‘& The Squished Lilies’ veers toward the latter as a bevy of musicians paints each dreamy arrangement with a warm Midwestern glow. Album highlight “Ey You!” showcases Eilbeck’s inimitable skill for structuring earworm choruses that burrow deep in your already damaged psyche.

Sloppy Jane “Cancer (My Chemical Romance Cover)”

As an inaugural signee of Saddest Factory Records, a label imprint started by the group’s former bassist Phoebe Bridgers, Sloppy Jane has been making their mark with intensely theatrical chamber-pop that brushes up against the world of shock-rock thanks to bandleader Haley Dahl’s inspired performances. Now, they are tackling the white whale of theater nerd indie rock with a cover of My Chemical Romance’s ‘Black Parade’ track ‘Cancer.’ It’s a bold move, but it seems to pay off, as the group manages to inject even more drama into an already devastating arrangement.

Marnie Stern “Earth Eater”

Math-rock legend and one of Rolling Stone’s ‘250 greatest guitarists of all time’ Marnie Stern has just released her fifth studio LP ‘The Comeback Kid,’ her first in a decade. Album highlight ‘Earth Eater’ showcases her frenetic arrangement style as she launches riff after dizzying riff, daring the backing band to keep up with her chaotic twists and time signature changes. Imagine if your failed ‘prog rock’ band had actual talent and the ability to count bars, and you’ll be somewhere in the arena here.

Mannequin Pussy “I Don’t Know You”

In case you missed it, Mannequin Pussy announced their follow-up to 2019’s firestarter of an album ‘Patience.’ The new record ‘I Got Heaven’ is due in March, and the recently shared shoegaze leaning ‘I Don’t Know You’ suggests that the group is steadfast on expanding their already massive sound. Atop a blissed out and droney soundscape, lead singer Marisa Dabice details a developing crush on a passerby, lamenting the fact that she may never cross paths with the stranger again. It’s a relatable concept, but you should be warned that it is not an endorsement for texting your ex again.

Cheekface “Largest Muscle”

Admittedly, Cheekface’s lead singer Greg Katz isn’t sure the heart is actually the largest muscle in a human body as the opening lyric of this song suggests. To stay on the safe side, he also gives several other organs the distinction. Still, the lack of anatomical correctness here shouldn’t stop you from enjoying this deliriously fun Cake meets Talking Heads romp. ‘Largest Muscle’ puts Katz’s wry speak-sing lyricism on full display, tackling personality flaws in a subject you might see yourself in if you had the will to practice self-awareness for even a second.

Were you aware that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that we update it weekly? Click here to like, follow, and never worry about running out of relevant jams again.

“Nightmare Before Christmas” Sleeve Not Hugely Shameful For a Few Weeks

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Matt McInerney

NASHUA, N.H. — Local man Ben Beasley’s “Nightmare Before Christmas” tattoo sleeve is a little less shameful now that the sweet spot between Halloween and Christmas is finally here, relieved sources confirmed.

“I really look forward to the cold, crisp fall season so I can finally take off my sweater and enjoy some less disgraceful sleeveless weather. It’s just past Halloween, so the goths stare at it longingly, and right before Christmas, so it’s on trend with the ever-present marketing in every chain store. The judgemental looks drop a lot if the house I’m passing still has a skeleton in the window. Sure, I regret it. I was a big AFI fan. But, also, the movie was pretty good,” said Beasley. “I’ve considered laser removal, but it’s expensive. I’ve also talked to a tattoo artist about blacking it out, but the first thing she asked was, ‘so do you want me to do it just like Davey Havok’s new sleeve?’ I can’t go down that road again.”

Brynlee Morales, a longtime friend, is happy Beasley gets this fleeting moment annually.

“It’s the one time of year people will compliment him and not ask how to get to Spencer’s Gifts. The tattoo isn’t even that bad; it’s just so clearly a decision made in 2005. I wish he’d learn from this, but he keeps making impulsive choices with long-lasting consequences,” said Morales. “Like marrying someone in ‘Second Life.’ Learning it was just a chatbot that knew a lot about B horror movies was pretty devastating for him. I didn’t know you could owe a robot alimony. And that time he promised me he was just sitting through a timeshare presentation for a free hotel room. Who buys a timeshare in Salem, Mass., with blackout dates during Halloween?”

Carter Stanley, the owner of an ever-expanding chain of laser removal franchises, doesn’t see a problem.

“What’s wrong with getting a huge tattoo of your current favorite movie? I think people should be free to express themselves, and if a face tattoo based on ‘Trolls 2: World Tour’ is how you do that, I think that’s a wonderful choice,” said Stanley while counting a stack of $100 bills like a mafia villain. “You should do whatever you want with your body. Also, we have some great deals going on. If you come to remove a cover-up in the same spot we lightened the original, you get 50% off! Come on down!”

At press time, Beasley was considering painting the hardwood floors in his house to match the Pantone color of the year.

The Perfect Designer Drug to Help You Get Through Each Mars Volta Album

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Jake Spanier

After the implosion of legendary post-hardcore outfit At the Drive In, guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López and vocalist Cedric Bixler-Zavala would go on to form The Mars Volta. This resulted in one of the most dense, most harrowing catalogs in all of prog rock. The music that these two evil sorcerers put together is a gauntlet for your sanity that few could face with a clear head. Whatever is compelling you to complete this dark ritual, we’ve put together a list of exotic, man-made substances to carry you through. Be warned; drugs that don’t look like math equations have no power here.

Self-Titled (2022) + 2CB

We begin with Volta’s 2022 comeback album, and the first to feature lyrics that wouldn’t trigger a wellness check if you posted them on Facebook. Gone are the novel-length tracks and disturbing, atonal melodies. The band settles gracefully into middle age here, embracing mellow psychedelia and song structures that a person not currently having a mental health crisis might enjoy. That makes it the perfect album to wash down with everyone’s favorite ecstasy analog, 2CB. Some light visuals and a tingly, yet slippery, sense of well-being should be all you need here.

Noctourniquet (2012) + 2C-T-7 (Blue Mystic)

This album is an oft-overlooked gem that mostly appeals to people who enjoy portmanteaus and the amplified screams of a rabbit caught in a snare. Omar’s guitar is strangely absent here, ceding the spotlight to an array of squelching, buzzing synthesizers that might pierce the ear if certain measures aren’t taken. And when we say “certain measures” we of course mean a handful of gel capsules containing the research chemical 2C-T-7, or “Blue Mystic,” according to the forty-seven-year-old Dutch cyber-goth man you’ll have to buy it from. Cedric’s caterwauling over waves of noise will keep you grounded when the walls begin to breathe and the weeping face of the kid you bullied in high school starts appearing every time you close your eyes.

Octahedron (2009) + 251-NBOMe

Let’s just get this out of the way now; “Octahedron” isn’t anyone’s favorite. Long-simmering tensions within the ranks resulted in an album that felt noodly and directionless; a simulacra of the fierce creativity that had been on display up until this point. To slog through this one we’re going to have to turn to acid’s shady cousin who hasn’t shown up to Thanksgiving in years. Much like Octahedron, 251-NBOMe is a pale imitation of a transcendent experience that only exists because crucial ingredients were in short supply. On the off chance you experience brain swelling or seizures, you won’t be missing much anyway.

The Bedlam in Goliath (2008) + 5-MeO-MiPT

We now enter the run of albums that cemented the band’s legend status among people who enjoy audio-induced panic attacks. On Bedlam we find an unhinged Volta, grabbing you by the throat and refusing to let go until you admit that in all the days of your life, ever since you’ve been born, you’ve never heard a band play like this one before. Fortunately, someone had the foresight to synthesize 5-MeO-MiPT before this album came out, so there’s no need to let it raw dog your pineal gland. The come-up will have you power-walking through the mall during the record’s explosive first half, attracting the attention of numerous security guards who will be too freaked out to actually approach you. The mania will fade into an ego-dissolving glow just in time for Bedlam’s sinister, slow burn of a finish. We recommend riding the last few tracks out in the back of an Uber, letting the driver’s panicked questions slowly become one with Cedric’s voice.

Amputechture (2006) + MDPV (Bath Salts)

Without the proper precautions, this album will chew your brain like gum and stick it to the bottom of God’s desk. You need something to put you in a state where you can hear lyrics like “The kiosk in my temporal lobe is shaped like Rosalyn Carter,” and just say hell yeah dude. Something to shield you from the psychic damage that songs like “Tetragrammaton” and “Viscera Eyes” can deal out. The free trial of psychosis that bath salts offer is the only companion that you can trust to guide you through these eight labyrinthine tracks, and to help you defeat the swat team that is currently breaching your apartment door.

Frances the Mute (2005) + K2 (Spice)

Here we find what many consider to be The Mars Volta’s highest high, but also their most challenging ascent. Frances is supposedly a concept album, but every time someone tries to explain the story to me I get a really bad migraine and then suddenly wake up behind the wheel of a car approaching the US-Mexico border. The epic arrangements and experimental ambient passages are likely to overwhelm listeners who haven’t already taped black trash bags over all of the windows in their homes. K2 pairs with Francis for this exact reason; becoming a prisoner in your own body gives you no choice but to stay laser-focused on the music. You may be tempted to check Instagram during Omar’s four-minute solo in the iconic opening track, but this isn’t an option when blinking too fast makes your heart rate skyrocket. Spice from your local smoke or vape shop will suffice, but we recommend an early 2000s midwestern gas station vintage if at all possible. (Pick up “Frances the Mute” in our store, buy the drugs elsewhere)

Deloused in the Comatorium (2003) + α-Pyrrolidinohexiophenone (Alpha-PHP)

Deloused is arguably the best debut album in the prog, marred only by an unconscionable amount of Red Hot Chili Peppers cameos. If you can only make it through one Volta album it should probably be this one, and you should probably do it with a head full of dirty stimulants. Wait for the tremors and cold sweats to set in before pressing play. The sirens of the ambulance a loved one has likely already called for you will sync up with the opening guitar line of Son et Lumiere. Just show the paramedics your Spotify listening history and they will know exactly what to do.

Photo by Kopa

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AAA Unveils Discreet Roadside Service For Men Who Feel They Should Know More About Cars

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Kathy Lynch

HEATHROW, Fla. — AAA officials announced that the motor club will now offer a roadside service option for men who fear that their lack of mechanical skills could out them as cucks.

“Needing help with car maintenance is pretty common, but the recent popularity of chauvinistic influencers and all-meat diets has led to an increase in the number of men ashamed to have never handled a lug wrench before,” explained AAA representative Darren Jacobs. “We’re capitalizing off these insecurities by offering AAAlpha Male, which sends a repairman out to your car in an unmarked pickup truck. He’ll pretend to be one of your buddies while tossing you some tools to make it look like you’re fixing the car together. For an extra $10, we’ll provide two cold ones for you to crack open on his tailgate together after the work is done.”

AAAlpha Male member Shane Oliver had a great experience with the new service after getting a flat tire last week.

“I had car trouble after work and didn’t want to look weak in front of anyone driving by, so I called up AAAlpha Male and said the code words, which are ‘Hey man, give me a hand with something and I’ll get you a Chalupa Cravings Box from Taco Bell,’” said Oliver while ordering cigars online. “The repairman did such a great job posing as my friend that he even gave me a high five as my coworkers were driving by, and now they all think that I’m cool and tough. Thank god I wasn’t seen as unmanly in public, or I could have been kicked out of my Joe Rogan book club.”

According to Car and Driver editor Dan Hebert, the new service will fill an urgent need in the roadside assistance market.

“It’s about damn time someone realized that men would rather take part in an elaborate performance than have people know they’re a pansy who calls AAA. In the ‘90s and up until 2016, it was acceptable to not know shit about cars, but then podcasts ranting about the pussification of America really took off,” said Herbert, who was also ordering cigars online. “AAAlpha Male prevents drivers from being seen as beta bitches while simultaneously letting them act out their fantasy of propping open the hood and getting their hands dirty. Plus, the interaction with the repairman will be nice for them, because most men are too embarrassed to make real friends.”

AAA also announced that members who use the new service will receive a complementary pair of truck nuts.

Opinion: I’m an Old Friend Visiting Your City and I’m Ready to Ruin Your Weekend

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Alex Vlahov

Time to drop everything, Schmitty. Remember that nickname, Schmitty? We go way back, man. I’ve known you since forever, right? Guess what: I’m coming to your town this weekend. Cancel your plans and make room. I’m here to completely ruin your restful weekend.

I’ve done some digging online so I have this sweet list of plans I’d love to try to squeeze in while I’m here. This includes mass tourist attractions you’d normally avoid, and I wanna do it all: that popular hike, that famous park, that popular museum, those hip neighborhoods, that popular historic district… You know, all the stuff you never do since you’re a local! The time has come to finally check it all out, with me. I know you have a strenuous job and were looking forward to kicking back this weekend, but my visit supersedes any desire you had for relaxation.

Did I mention that I’ve become a foodie? We’ve gotta visit all the new expensive restaurants and hyped spots. You get to hold a camera and take pictures as I overreact to my dishes! Get those recommendations ready, I know I’ll have mine. Hey, what’s the nightlife situation like? I know we’ve been out all day, but I just need a 5 minute nap and I am ready to go hard till sunrise. I heard Shaq was DJing tonight? Also, isn’t there a casino nearby? What are the strip clubs like in your neighborhood?

You’re good to pick me up from the airport, right? Sorry to ask and thanks in advance! Also dude wanted to mention this: my AirBnB situation kinda fell through, so I was wondering if I could spend the night on your couch? You won’t even notice I’m there. I don’t shower so the bathroom will never be busy. The only thing I might ask is if you could take a quick look at my taxes, just trying to get ahead of next year. Maybe also some personal advice since it’s been a rough few months, brother. All that, then I’m out of your hair, man. Bet!

Guess what, dawg: I work at a pharmaceutical distributor and I’ll be back in town for a work trip in a few months! I think we can make this a tradition. Really looking forward to reconnecting at popular overcrowded spots and disregarding your personal boundaries!

Ten Underrated Drive-Thru Records Albums You Should Listen to While Eating Taco Bell at 2 a.m.

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Scott Waldman

Richard and Stefanie Reines’ Drive-Thru Records ruled the early-aughts Warped Tour world with such bands like Floridian pop-punk kings (A) New Found Glory, Philadelphia pop-punk princes The Starting Line, Orange County pop-rock warriors Hellogoodbye, and Temecula post-hardcore fighters via kicking and screaming Finch. These acts are way too huge to be underrated on any level, and your telltale hearts have broken sound and are wrong if you disagree. Below we list our top ten most underrated albums from DTR in alphabetical order, and you should buy, stream, wax poetic about, and troll your cousin Tula with a pierced septum that you refused to include in your MySpace Top Eight, while Tom sat proudly in the number one slot, despite the fact that you never will meet that champion amongst humans.

Allister “Before the Blackout” (2005)

Chicago’s Allister was one of the first bands to sign with DTR, and the band released their first three LPs there. The debut cult hit “Dead Ends and Girlfriends,” their sophomore lack of a slump saleswise “Last Stop Suburbia,” and the subject here, the four-piece’s third studio album “Before the Blackout.” While there is a plethora of lust online for the first two, we almost never read about “Before the Blackout” in any publication large or canceled, and that’s a low down dirty shame reminiscent of Keenan Ivory Wayans’ 1994 classic of the same name. Also, “Waiting” is a perfect opening track, and said song and more from this LP show that Allister is so much more than “Somewhere On Fullerton”. Sadly, the band split up three years after this record came out, but happily, they returned just three years later; three is a magic number.

The Benjamins “The Art Of Disappointment” (2001)

Wisconsin should be less known for Midwestern creep, Steven “I Graphically Harmed Cedric Bixler-Zavala’s Wife And Should Rot In The SHU” Hyde, and more known for possibly the most underrated band here, The Benjamins. Drive-Thru Records snagged The Benjamins after their debut EP and released the band’s first LP “The Art Of Disappointment” to more of a whimper than a bang. The proof is in the lack of pudding here, as streams for this one are still astronomically low on Spotify, and your little tin hearts will shine in a wonderful manner if you spin this record now. 2001 was a great year for rock with non-Drive Thru Records releases such as Fugazi’s “The Argument,” Andrew W.K.’s “I Get Wet,” Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American,” and Bow Wow’s “Doggy Bag,” and The Benjamins should’ve been on more year-end lists as well.

Halifax “The Inevitability of a Strange World” (2006)

A shift from mall punk to ‘80s metal showcases the ever-present nightmare that we live in a strange, strange, strange world, but Thousand Oaks, California’s Halifax wouldn’t have it any other way. The wackadoodle globalists also promised us tragedy by noticing said shift, and this LP, which is the band’s lone Drive-Thru Records full-length studio album known as “The Inevitability of a Strange World” landed at 130 on the Billboard 200, and at #1 on Billboard’s Top Heatseekers, surprising most people outside of Nova Scotia. Their/our revolution was literally televised, as the band was featured just one year before on MTV’s “The Real World: Austin” along with aforementioned labelmates Hellogoodbye, making 2006 a total “I Told You So” year for the band. Sadly Halifax wasn’t able to capture said momentum for eternity, as the band parted ways just four years later.

Hidden in Plain View “Life In Dreaming” (2005)

Hidden in Plain View released their debut album “Life In Dreaming” to a sea of underground praise but not mainstream acclaim. Pity, as this is one of the better post-hardcore releases from the aughts and we are not taking any questions on the matter. If you’re here, you likely heard this album’s opening track “Bleed For You,” which truly cuts like a band-aid, just one year prior to the release of “Life In Dreaming” on 2004’s also underrated compilation “Punk The Clock” featuring, wait for it, wait for it, various great bands to WATCH that sadly also didn’t explode outside of the punk rock world like Acceptance, Letter Kills, My American Heart, and Ritchie Valens.

Home Grown “Kings of Pop” (2002)

Whether you spell the band name as one word or two, Orange County’s Home Grown has a legacy that should last until much later than tomorrow, and we won’t forever and ever X infinity give up our love for this underrated by definition effort. Clearly, we’re not alone, as “Kings of Pop,” Home Grown’s third and only full-length album for Drive-Thru Records has many hardcore but not that many easycore fans. The band became a power trio for this one, which provided a solid blueprint for early-aughts pop-punk, and tightened their already stacked AF sound like a long, long rope that pulls tasty, tasty treats to all with tree fiddy, regardless of whether said eaters will kiss you, diss you, never fall in love with you, or eventually leave you like everyone else always does. However, the band split just two years later, with zero signs of a comeback.

I Am the Avalanche “Self-Titled” (2005)

Vinnie Caruana is a smart and prolific man always and forever. After the fall of the also underappreciated and yet-to-be-listed Long Island rock act The Movielife, Caruana capitalized on his former band’s rising yet stifled momentum, formed the punk rock I Am the Avalanche, and released their self-titled debut album in the fall of 2005. Vinnie wins the badass award for this ranking article, as his murderous green eyes front two symphonic bands listed here, and fans dead and gone happily took a beating in the name of this album’s twelve tracks. Honestly, their follow-up effort, “Avalanche United” is peak IATA, but it was released via a different label so forget we mentioned it.

Midtown “Living Well Is The Best Revenge” (2002)

Midtown was poised to climb to the heights of punk or “punk” if you’re feeling nasty like Janet Jackson but not J Lo peers like Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Something Corporate, and Parliament with “Living Well Is The Best Revenge,” the band’s sophomore studio album. Despite its sonic and songwriting superiority to every track on their debut LP “Save the World, Lose the Girl” except “Just Rock and Roll,” the best revenge was that the band didn’t live THAT well despite their GQ clothes. Still, this eleven track banger of a record, which also features vocals from demigod Vinnie Caruana, has zero filler, many vegan seitan grillers, no tunes from Attila, or meh sequels featuring your friend and ours, Ben(jamin) Edward Meara Stiller. The band left DTR for Columbia Records for this album’s follow-up, “Forget What You Know,” but disbanded just one year later.

The Movielife “Forty Hour Train Back to Penn” (2003)

Fans of index finger-pointing aggressive crowdsurfing pop punk likely have lyrics from this album tattooed on their lower backs, but it’s actually a solid effort for non-elitists as well. Still, the band came to an abrupt end shortly after this one hit stores, in fact in that very year, and Movielife fans had to wait fourteen years for a follow-up via Rise Records, home to non-similar genre and non-peers in any creative way that doubles as metalcore STAHS Crown The Empire, Memphis May Fire, Kublai Khan, and Johnny Lawrence called “Cities In Search Of A Heart,” which might be the most “emo” album title of 2017 not called “Fall You Again”; moon blood can’t swim in a clogged heart or any of the great lakes except for Lake Superior… We’re still laughing ourselves to death from that dad joke.

Rx Bandits “Progress” (2001)

For some odd reason, Orange County’s Rx Bandits’ various follow-ups to “Progress” get way more public and private accolades than this one, even though we firmly believe that “The Resignation” and beyond wouldn’t have been possible had the band not bridged the gap between “Halfway Between Here and There” and endearingly weird yet extremely musical. “Progress” came out in 2001, not too long after the third wave/ska-punk world was lambasted, feared, critiqued, and put out to pasture, and the polarizing in the best way Rx Bandits brought a depth to said universe that was unheard, unseen, unfiltered, and unkempt prior. Anyone but you knows the truth about these fifteen tracks that frenetically challenge each listener to question the answers, turn the radio off, say hello to rockview, and in utero till the cows come home… And now the band is hipster-approved!

Steel Train “Trampoline” (2007)

Let’s end this piece with a firecracker take: Before Taylor Swift, fun., Bleachers, and see-saws covered in Hubba Bubba Original Bubble Tape and pre-cum, Sports & Arts Center at Island Lake alumnus Jack “I Had A Heavy Hand In All Recorded Music” Antonoff fronted a band called Steel Train that put the “busk” in busking, and “trust” in trust fund. While the band went out with a bang via their non-DTR self-titled LP, 2007’s “Trampoline” is without question their most superior album, and easily a top ten Drive-Thru Records release. If you disagree, ask the nepo baby cast of “Girls,” but not their unlikable and deplorable characters like Hannah Horvath; these jerks are not women that we belong to. Also, “Trampoline” is the least Mark Trombino of all Trombino productions, and the previously mentioned Finch fools and TSL loons will agree at any hour, unless it is 2:00.

So Called DIY Band Bought Premade Instruments

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Charles Bill

ATLANTA — A bombshell accusation was made against so-called do-it-yourself band Slither In which revealed the band bought premade instruments for which they use to make their music, sources who were not mad but disappointed confirmed.

“I used to respect these guys as an integral part of the DIY scene,” said dejected basement show fan Elle Topher. “They’d come to shows, set up all their own equipment, do their own mic checks, and you’d think ‘Ok, these guys are legit DIY.’ Then they’d take out their instruments. They were perfect. They clearly weren’t crafted from driftwood or stolen lumber from a construction site. What’s the point of even seeing a house show if the drums aren’t made of trash cans? Next they’re going to tell me they bought their clothing premade from a store.”

Members of Slither In were taken by surprise by the negative reception to their store-bought, albeit sell-out, instruments.

“The crowd was going nuts while I was setting up my homemade pedalboard,” explained Slither In lead guitarist and heartless deceiver Jackie Monroe. “The second I bring out my guitar to plug it in, the crowd goes dead silent. They ask me what name is on the guitar, I tell them Gibson. They freak out, screaming ‘is your name Gibson?’ Luckily before a riot started we sent our bassist to put some rubber bands over an empty tissue box and staple it to a yard stick, and that calmed the crowd down a bit. Shit sounded terrible when we covered Red Hot Chilli Peppers.”

The negative reaction to Slither In has made waves across social media, compelling DIY luminaries to weigh in.

“Fake DIY has always been a problem,” explained Peter Squibb of the National DIY Institute, headquartered in his neighbor’s basement. “If a band really wants DIY credibility they need to go out into the woods and Minecraft their instruments from scratch. I don’t want to see a DIY band play unless they’re rocking on crudely hewn instruments that sound like dogshit. I used to be in a band and I absolutely crushed with dried reeds stretched over two sticks.”

At press time Slither In was receiving more criticism for using Eventbrite rather than smearing goat’s blood on people’s doors with the showtime.

New Crayola Crayon Color “Hammer Smashed Face Red” to Accompany Release of Cannibal Corpse Coloring Book

Posted on November 3, 2023 by Ryan Dondero

EASTON, Pa. — Art supply company, Crayola, is releasing a new crayon color named “Hammer Smashed Face Red” to coincide with the release of an upcoming coloring book by the band Cannibal Corpse, sources confirmed.

“It’s been such an awesome experience getting to work on this book. We want it to be fun for the entire family and warp the impressionable minds of young children,” said Cannibal Corpse lead singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. “Apparently it’s the first coloring book to ever feature a parental advisory sticker on it. That’s pretty cool. Oh and getting to help create a new Crayola crayon was the best! What a dream! I’m hoping ‘Hammer Smashed Face Red’ is just the start. I could see ‘Meat Hook Sodomy Brown’ and ‘Vomit the Soul Green’ being big hits.”

Philadelphia metalhead, Rodney Fuller, is really looking forward to the release of the book and the “Hammer Smashed Face Red” crayon.

“I am so fucking stoked. Not only will I, a lifelong fan, get to color in Vince Locke’s iconic album covers, I’ll get to do it with my five-year-old son, Jeremy,” said the excited Fuller. “Kids still like to color, right? That’s a thing? Man, it’s hard being a dad. I’ve been really struggling to relate to and spend quality time with my kindergartener. We’re just so different, his music tastes fucking sucks, and not like ‘late-era Metallica’ bad, I’m talking dumb kid’s songs. I’m hoping getting to color in the artwork from ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ will help bring us more closely together. I can’t wait!”

President of Crayola, James Crew, said the creation of the “Hammer Smashed Face Red” color was a challenging process both creatively and physically.

“What can I say except it’s been an experience,” said Crew. “Our COO is a huge extreme metal fan and thought this would be a fun partnership. The creative team here at Crayola spent weeks pouring over Cannibal Corpse album covers to get the color just right. Unfortunately, staring at the artwork day after day and arriving at the precise ‘Hammer Smashed Face Red’ color took its toll. Members of our team threw up, some even quit. I can confidently say it took a great deal of blood, sweat, tears, and puke to bring this crayon color to market. We hope fans of the band are happy with it because, wow, it was A LOT.”

At press time, Crayola was in talks with Carcass to develop a brand new paint color, “Genital Grinder Beige,” for their soon-to-be-released Reek of Putrefaction paint-by-numbers.

Photo by Markus Felix.