HEATHROW, Fla. — AAA officials announced that the motor club will now offer a roadside service option for men who fear that their lack of mechanical skills could out them as cucks.
“Needing help with car maintenance is pretty common, but the recent popularity of chauvinistic influencers and all-meat diets has led to an increase in the number of men ashamed to have never handled a lug wrench before,” explained AAA representative Darren Jacobs. “We’re capitalizing off these insecurities by offering AAAlpha Male, which sends a repairman out to your car in an unmarked pickup truck. He’ll pretend to be one of your buddies while tossing you some tools to make it look like you’re fixing the car together. For an extra $10, we’ll provide two cold ones for you to crack open on his tailgate together after the work is done.”
AAAlpha Male member Shane Oliver had a great experience with the new service after getting a flat tire last week.
“I had car trouble after work and didn’t want to look weak in front of anyone driving by, so I called up AAAlpha Male and said the code words, which are ‘Hey man, give me a hand with something and I’ll get you a Chalupa Cravings Box from Taco Bell,’” said Oliver while ordering cigars online. “The repairman did such a great job posing as my friend that he even gave me a high five as my coworkers were driving by, and now they all think that I’m cool and tough. Thank god I wasn’t seen as unmanly in public, or I could have been kicked out of my Joe Rogan book club.”
According to Car and Driver editor Dan Hebert, the new service will fill an urgent need in the roadside assistance market.
“It’s about damn time someone realized that men would rather take part in an elaborate performance than have people know they’re a pansy who calls AAA. In the ‘90s and up until 2016, it was acceptable to not know shit about cars, but then podcasts ranting about the pussification of America really took off,” said Herbert, who was also ordering cigars online. “AAAlpha Male prevents drivers from being seen as beta bitches while simultaneously letting them act out their fantasy of propping open the hood and getting their hands dirty. Plus, the interaction with the repairman will be nice for them, because most men are too embarrassed to make real friends.”
AAA also announced that members who use the new service will receive a complementary pair of truck nuts.