LAWRENCE, Mass. — A new government report shows that unpaid child support rose nearly by half following the legendary butt rock band Godsmack’s recent tour announcement, concerned sources confirmed.
“I’m an honest man, I’ve been paying my child support ever since I lost the third court appeal,” said divorced father and die-hard Godsmack fan Chuck Wentworth. “But I just can’t miss this Godsmack tour. The tickets are expensive as anything, but I’m willing to shell out. I mean, my kids are alright, but this is so much more than that. I mean, have you ever heard ‘Cryin’ Like a Bitch’? It’s like poetry, it would make me cry if doing such a thing wouldn’t directly threaten my masculinity.”
Judge Clark Edwards noted the uptick in family court cases every time the band tours.
“It’s something everyone at the courthouse mentally prepares for, kind of like how retail workers prepare for Black Friday,” Edwards said. “At this point I’ve seen every defense. A surprising number of fathers try to play the victim card, they talk about how hard it is having to change jobs every couple of weeks to avoid their paychecks being garnished. I’d probably feel a bit more sympathetic for them if they were the type of divorced dads that spent their checks seeing some washed-up hair metal band, at least that’s a bit more tolerable. But I have no place in my court for anyone who thinks Sully Erna’s soul patch makes him a ‘cool bad boy.’”
Therapist Ashley Foster has noticed the trend, and offered up an explanation as to why Godsmack concerts are so important to this particular demographic.
“It’s a matter of creating a safe space,” said Foster. “What’s the one thing dads skipping out on child support want to be reminded of even less than their kids? Their wives. Godsmack shows create an event that no woman would ever be present at, ensuring that attendees completely minimize the risk of ever being reminded of their wives. It’s a win-win for them in every imaginable way.”
At press time, Wentworth was seen doing donuts with his Harley in a Denny’s parking lot.