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Opinion: I’m an Old Friend Visiting Your City and I’m Ready to Ruin Your Weekend

Time to drop everything, Schmitty. Remember that nickname, Schmitty? We go way back, man. I’ve known you since forever, right? Guess what: I’m coming to your town this weekend. Cancel your plans and make room. I’m here to completely ruin your restful weekend.

I’ve done some digging online so I have this sweet list of plans I’d love to try to squeeze in while I’m here. This includes mass tourist attractions you’d normally avoid, and I wanna do it all: that popular hike, that famous park, that popular museum, those hip neighborhoods, that popular historic district… You know, all the stuff you never do since you’re a local! The time has come to finally check it all out, with me. I know you have a strenuous job and were looking forward to kicking back this weekend, but my visit supersedes any desire you had for relaxation.

Did I mention that I’ve become a foodie? We’ve gotta visit all the new expensive restaurants and hyped spots. You get to hold a camera and take pictures as I overreact to my dishes! Get those recommendations ready, I know I’ll have mine. Hey, what’s the nightlife situation like? I know we’ve been out all day, but I just need a 5 minute nap and I am ready to go hard till sunrise. I heard Shaq was DJing tonight? Also, isn’t there a casino nearby? What are the strip clubs like in your neighborhood?

You’re good to pick me up from the airport, right? Sorry to ask and thanks in advance! Also dude wanted to mention this: my AirBnB situation kinda fell through, so I was wondering if I could spend the night on your couch? You won’t even notice I’m there. I don’t shower so the bathroom will never be busy. The only thing I might ask is if you could take a quick look at my taxes, just trying to get ahead of next year. Maybe also some personal advice since it’s been a rough few months, brother. All that, then I’m out of your hair, man. Bet!

Guess what, dawg: I work at a pharmaceutical distributor and I’ll be back in town for a work trip in a few months! I think we can make this a tradition. Really looking forward to reconnecting at popular overcrowded spots and disregarding your personal boundaries!