SPRINGDALE, Ark. — The Department of Agriculture’s recall of 30,000 pounds of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets led to an official toddler dining room walkout nationwide, confirmed parents who say they don’t care if their kids go to bed hungry.
“The Mommies and Daddies paint us as an unreasonable mob. Our demands are simple–dinos with ketchup, on the blue plate,” scoffed Toddler Representative Cora Scherer, while angrily flipping pages backward in a Paddington Collection. “They tried to play hardball, saying metal pieces in nuggies could hurt us! I eat more metal off the floor during ‘Yoga for Crawlers’ at the library. Moreover, they made a mockery of our offer by presenting yucky breaded chicken pressed with snowflake cookie cutters. We demand to be taken seriously.”
Despite several attempts at outreach, parental groups are unsuccessful in reaching an agreement amid the loud protests of the toddlers.
“We can’t underestimate them when it comes to nuggets,” said frustrated Parent Advocacy Leader Dylan Ruderman, from the floor of his kitchen, lightly banging his head against the cabinet doors. “The uproar when we attempted to introduce plant-based nuggets was only resolved by an eleventh-hour trip to McDonald’s. But they’ve presented few, if any, moves on the numerous remaining open items.”
A statement from the group reads, “In our last meeting, we extended offers including: raising the percentage of mac and cheese intake, adjustments to the daily screen time allotment, and the promise of a trip to the My Gym ball pit.” Even the best and final offer, mentioning Santa is watching, did not bring the children back to the table.
Despite this stalemate, the company at the heart of the matter remains optimistic.
“We urge both sides to come to a compromise while we resume production of our deliciously fun white meat dino nuggets,” said Laura Burns, Public Relations Director at Tyson Foods. “We remind all parties it was simply one product recall. See this as an opportunity to explore our entire exciting line. Why not some ‘Any’tizers’ Popcorn Chicken with a side of ‘Any’tizers Chicken Fries?”
At press time, the Grandparents Guild, historically committed to the “eat what’s in front of you” platform, extended a waiver to “come to Nana’s and get whatever you want.”