SARASOTA, Fla. — Local punk Tabitha Milner recently lit a cigarette with a match on the first try, despite the fact that a Category 2 hurricane was raging, according to sources that Milner had just bummed a cigarette from.
“I can light a cigarette with a match in any situation, just like a butane lighter,” said Milner while smoking directly behind one of those swamp boats with the big fan on the back. “I smoked for years before I could afford a lighter, so shitty free motel matches were all I had. Hurricanes, tornadoes, dust devils, and water spouts; I’ve smoked in them all. I can light up with matches that are soaking wet, too. My buddy works at NASA and is even trying to get me in there to see if I can light up within a complete oxygen vacuum.”
Milner’s coworker John Kobashi was unable to get his cigarette lit before his break ended.
“Tabitha has always been the matches queen, but even I was impressed this time. She didn’t even cup her hand around the match to block the wind or nothin’,” reported Kobashi while paddling down flooded streets in a kayak, shouting to empty houses for survivors. “She was underneath the roof’s downspout as well, which was a full on waterfall. She’s a miracle worker, what can I say? Hell, I couldn’t even light my smoke with my car’s plugin lighter, and I had the doors closed and the windows rolled up. It was that windy out.”
Climate scientist and chainsmoker Donovan Quick thinks that Milner’s skillset will be useful in the coming decades.
“The earth’s weather patterns are changing faster than any of us anticipated, so smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” said Quick while failing to blow smoke rings. “As our climate reaches untenable extremities, it will be of the utmost importance to smoke accordingly. Not everyone will be able to smoke inside because it’s too cold, or to go around the corner when it’s too windy to light up. The more adaptable you are in enabling your crippling nicotine habit, the better off you’ll be. It might get so bad that some people will have no choice but to quit altogether, but let’s pray it never comes to that.”
At press time, Milner had finally saved up to buy her first carton of cigarettes after nearly seven years of smoking.