Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: As A Non-religious Member Of The Rebel Alliance, I Don’t Think We Should Be Forced To Say “May The Force Be With You”

Posted on April 22, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Hey, everybody? It’s me, Green Squadron Leader. I know we have a lot going on right now and this whole Death Star thing is at the top of the agenda, but there’s something that’s been troubling me lately.

I have a real problem with how we’ve been conducting these battle councils, and I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t speak up. I just have to say: as a non-religious member of The Rebel Alliance, I object to us ending all our meetings by saying “May the Force be with you.”

I want to be clear about this, I have no issues with anyone’s religion. People should be free to believe whatever they want, whether it is some ancient religion based on symbiotic microscopic lifeforms that live in your blood which happens to be shared by our enemy, Emperor Palpatine and his henchman Darth Vader, or just secular humanism. It is inherent to our shared desire to build a free and democratic New Republic that we support all opinions.

It just seems really pushy to make us all say it whenever we’re done doing strategy stuff, okay?

You need to understand how this makes us non-religious rebels feel. I don’t mean to be aggressive, but there are a lot of people in the Rebel Alliance who don’t believe in The Force. Do you think about how passively pushing them to go along with the majority belief will make them feel? I’m not alone here. I know Gold Leader over there is an atheist. Jek Tono Porkins? I know he’s just a low-ranking member of Red Squadron, but he has told me he feels uncomfortable whenever we all have to say this specific faith-based phrase that is meaningful just to one group of the Alliance.

Admiral Ackbar is Jewish.

I will just say this: it is clearly in the Rebel Alliance charter that no member, soldier, or Bothan spy should be required to adhere to religious principles they do not hold. Whether that takes the form of sending our children to the Yavin-4 school to be educated by Guardians of the Whills or just ending a simple X-Wing maintenance budgetary meeting, we should not have to say “May the Force be with you” just because we think it will be rude not to.

Please respect this.

And honestly, if the Force were real, it doesn’t seem like all those Jedi would have gotten blasted like womp-rats by stormtroopers who can barely shoot straight.

Anyway, let’s go get that Death Star!

Goth Secretly Craving Funfetti Cake

Posted on April 22, 2022 by Doug Kolic

TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local goth office worker Todd Schmidt admitted privately that he is secretly craving a slice of the delicious Funfetti birthday cake that’s being served at the desk of a colleague.

“It’s moments like these that I start to question all the choices I made in life. I spent years building this persona, I wear all black, I have three cats all named ‘Lovecraft,’ and I haven’t smiled in public since I got ‘The Addams Family’ DVD boxset at a secret Santa gift exchange in 2016. But this is killing me, the sweet vanilla aroma, the whimsical rainbow sprinkles, and the rich buttercream frosting must be a flavor explosion,” said a visibly conflicted Schmidt sitting alone in his cubicle. “I was actually so excited when they brought it out that I almost belted out Happy Birthday. Please don’t tell anyone I just said that.”

Dwayne Anderson, the birthday boy, chimed in with his thoughts on his overly dramatic co-worker.

“Nobody would judge him if he started chowing down on this dope ass cake. I don’t know why he doesn’t just grab a plate and put an end to this, instead of walking by a million times like a jackass just to get a better look at it,” stated a party-hat wearing Anderson. “Everyone went through a goth phase, it’s not a big deal, I just wish he’d take himself less seriously. We’d offer him a slice but last Christmas he lost his shit on Joan for having the audacity to leave a cute gingerbread cookie on his desk, so ever since then it’s like fuck this guy, more cake for us.”

Stacy Adams, CEO of HR Consulting Firm Dynamic Skillz, explains the delicate balance of having people who identify as goth employed in corporate environments.

“Companies need to be sensitive to all their employees, especially brooding ones who claim their souls belong to the macabre and who will make the office a living hell if they don’t get accommodated,” explained Adams. “I hear from managers every day asking what they should do when a goth employee asks to work remotely from a graveyard, or wants a coffin in the breakroom, or brings in their emotional support ravens to work. My only advice is to let them work where they want, leave them alone, and whatever you do, don’t try to feed the birds because they will attack.”

At press time, Schmidt was seen digging through the trash bin full of discarded cake plates to locate his ‘lost’ pentagram amulet he claims suddenly went missing, his mouth visibly covered with icing sugar.

This Sick Leather Wristband Is the Key to My Sexual Prowess and I Now Bequeath It to You

Posted on April 22, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

All my adult life, people have wondered about my secrets. How is it that I, a man with a ponytail and a Tame Impala T-shirt, have such a long history of sexual exploits? How is it that I, a man who has nearly mastered four songs on the acoustic guitar, am known far and wide as the Casanova of the county? Let me tell you: this sick leather wristband I wear is the true key to my sexual prowess and abilities. And now, my friend, I bequeath it to you.

As it was once given to me by my mentor, a white guy with dreadlocks who knew way too much about Hootie and the Blowfish, I pass it to you. This is a sacred trust. No one knows which Hot Topic this sick leather wristband came from or what divine hands (that totally knew how to finger chicks good) forged it, but it has been passed down by generations of dudes that know that super-oily hair is the finest aphrodisiac.

You will learn much from this totally awesome leather wristband. Do not be tempted to the dark, for with great sexual power comes great sexual responsibility. And you will have power. All the power of this leather wristband and the two intertwined snakes that are carved into it to represent fucking.

But always remember, one day it will come upon you to pass it on to someone else. This sick leather wristband does not belong to any of us, no matter how often we soak it with the sweat of our fuck sessions. We belong to its legacy. Also if you do actually manage to have sex it’s part of your sacred duty to call us and tell us about it. Some of us may be exaggerating our sexual experiences.

Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Machine Gun Kelly

Posted on April 22, 2022 by John Danek

DERA ISMAIL KHAN SUBDIVISION, Pakistan – Militant extremist group Al-Qaeda, the terrorist cell responsible for the 9/11 attacks, claimed to be the forces behind musician Machine Gun Kelly’s rise to stardom, their leader said in a statement.

“This is the beginning of a new chapter in our quest to destroy the Western world. America thought it could bring an end to our organization, but we were in the shadows growing stronger and we can finally reveal that we created the wave of terror caused by the music and existence of Machine Gun Kelly,” said Ayman al-Zawahiri, leader of Al-Qaeda and avowed pop-punk fan. “His shitty music is inescapable. His pig face appears everywhere from tabloids to music websites and local news. And his hollow voice will crumble the systems and pillars of the American foundation. 9/11 was merely the preview of what was to come. If you thought MGK’s collab with Willow was bad, wait until you hear what we have brewing with Asher Roth.”

Serious music enthusiasts have been hit particularly hard by this diabolical act of terrorism.

“It’s absolutely sickening to think that something this heinous can happen on American soil,” stated a devastated Devin Long, who is considering enlisting in the military to fight against terrorism. “I went to pick up my pre-ordered vinyl copy of Pavement’s ‘Terror Twilight’ reissue from Amoeba Records and Machine Gun Kelly was blaring over the sound system. I would gladly sacrifice most of my freedoms if it meant the USA’s intelligence community could prevent this fucking nightmare from continuing. The most worrisome part is that his lyrics seem to be written by an AI program and it’s troubling to think Al-Qaeda has access to that sort of technology.”

The Department of Homeland Security scrambled to contain the threat, although they admit their efforts haven’t yet proven fruitful.

“Unfortunately, Al-Qaeda picked the perfect time to strike — Gen Z is just young enough to be totally engrossed by basic, formulaic pop-punk tactics, so we can’t prevent the MGK virus from spreading currently,” admitted John Tien, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security. “We ask that the American people resume quarantining immediately, and make no mistake — Machine Gun Kelly is far more dangerous to your health than COVID or conventional acts of terrorism. We are so, so sorry that we were not prepared for pain like this.”

al-Zawahiri further threatened that if the USA did not remove all military from the Middle East, Al-Qaeda will put its full force behind Jonny Craig’s hip hop career.

Opinion: If Metallica Never Cut Their Hair In The 90s They Would Have Sucked But Had Long Hair

Posted on April 21, 2022 by Chris Bowen

In the 1980s, Metallica were at the forefront of the World’s thrash scene. The image they held and the music they played kept them a cut above the rest. But in the decade following the 80s, Metallica made a decision that most people thought was their death knell: they got their ears lowered.

I’m here to make the case that with all the controversy behind Lars and co. cutting their long flowing locks in the 1990s, they were pretty much doomed regardless. And despite looking like total douche bags, their music would still have blown ass had they kept that classic, long haired heavy metal look.

Look back at the transition from “…And Justice For All” to the Black album. Can anyone really sit here and say that Metallica wasn’t already destined for a career of cold-neckdom when “Enter Sandman” was let loose on society? Sure, they still had the locks but the music was slowly transitioning into the travesty that was to follow.

Then 1996 hit, the world was in complete shock when the Bay Area heroes debuted their pile of audio dung, “Load.”

“Oh, Metallica sold out maaaaan. They cut their hair,now they are a bunch of posers maaaan.” Did these people ever actually listen to that monstrosity? They could have decided to keep their hair as long as Steve Harris’ and I’m pretty sure that record would still be one of the worst piles of shit to come out of the 1990s, a decade when Barenaked Ladies were king.

I mean come on, fuckin’ “Mama Said?!” Do we in the metal community really believe James could have pulled that bullshit off if he still had the signature thrasher hairdo? My god, how could they not imagine Cliff Burton rolling in his grave punching air with his fingerless gloves??

Then in 1998, that’s two years later, plenty of time to let their hair flow, they plopped “Re-Load” into the toilet of the masses, which is arguably the worst thing they’ve done in their entire crew cut career.

I almost feel bad for reminding you, the reader, of the cringey nature of songs like “Fuel” and “The Memory Remains,” but for the sake of my argument, I believe it’s important for you to imagine those songs played by “Kill Em’ All” era Metallica. And I’d definitely be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks that they could pull that dogshit off.

So all in all, I think it’s safe to say that no matter how cool they may have looked when they wrote their good music, none of that would have changed had Metallica kept that look as they bestowed the shit they recorded in the 90s on us, the headbanging public.

Report: Park Full of Assholes Already

Posted on April 21, 2022 by Amanda Russel

BOULDER, Colo. — A recent report conducted by a string of irritated citizens shows that the nation’s parks are already filled with assholes, dumbasses, and fuckheads following the warming of Spring weather, according to repulsed sources.

“This happens every year when the weather gets nice again,” explained Lenny Scarborough, trying to make the most of his quickly dwindling cigarette. “It gets warm, and bam, here come the whimsical fuckin’ park people. Everyone is blowing bubbles. The jugglers are practicing juggling their bowling pins and their swords or whatever again. Then there are the crowds of horrible teenagers, and the tightrope walkers taking up all the good trees with the best shade with their practicing. I’m not hanging out with any goddamn tightrope walkers, I’d rather be sunburned alive.”

Local park-goer and barefoot hula hooper Faun Winter reported similar findings over the various shitheads currently ruining the park.

“The park is for everyone, but these punks are grinding my gears,” Winter proclaimed. “I told one her aura was brown and she offered me a bowl of free lentils. And there’s this band who practices in the park who I can’t stand either, the brass section is huge and the sound is deafening. The families with kids I don’t mind, unless their kids come up and try to hoop with me. My hoop is custom made from precious materials to fit my body, and it’s not for children.”

Representatives from the city’s Parks and Recreation department is warning anyone who wishes to not share space with these stupid motherfuckers to stay home until temperatures become unbearably hot.

“Every year it’s a back and forth of park turf wars,” said a Parks and Recreation Department representative, who wished to remain anonymous. “The circus people hate the punks. The teenagers hate the circus people. The families with kids want everything to be family-friendly. The punks hate everyone. And don’t even get me started on the dogs and whatever other fucking animals people keep for pets nowadays. It’s an ongoing joke at this point. Just stay the fuck home. I hate my job.”

Here’s How To Tell If He’s Shredding, Gleaming, Thrashing, Or Totally Beefin It

Posted on April 21, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

Alright, dudes and dudettes. So you met a beefcake and you been going together for a while. Well, what’s next? How do you know if the dude is secretly harshing your romantic narrative? Listen up, raymundos. We have put together the definitive guide on whether or not that dude is shredding, gleaming, thrashing, or TOTALLY beefin’ it.

The dude is shredding
People can shred many things, from lettuce, guitars, and paper to sled, gnar, and the famously ambiguous ‘it’. If he’s wreaking of the ol’ shifty shell-shock, he is absolutely not shredding. I can’t stress this enough. Alternatively, if you’ve noticed this dude holding at least one electric guitar and catching air on the halfpipe, cheeyeah. The dude is shreddin.

Your boy is straight gleaming
Some claim there is no formal bio-metric for gleaming. Well, guess what? Those bogus barf-bag boneheads can suck it, bra. You can gleam just about any three-dimensional solid object, all you have to do is believe and hold on to your vision just like in that Gary Wright song “Hold on to Your Vision.” When this dude isn’t out skating he’s probably throwing the wildest PG-rated pool parties you’ve ever seen.

Hell yeah, he’s thrashin!
Is he hot, reckless, and totally insane? That dude is thrashin. This dude may only be a Ramp Local now but he will soon caveman drop off the hood of some square’s LeBaron straight into your heart. You’ll be hanging on a dirty mattress in The Dagger’s clubhouse in no time.

YOUR DUDE IS TOTALLY BEEFIN’ IT
Gag me with a spoon why don’t you. This L7 weenie couldn’t gleam out of a two-dimensional gelatin. A true loser who will be sack tapping rails for years to come. Plus, I bet his dad wouldn’t even pick us up at the mall even if we called him collect and said our name but then hung up before he had to accept the charges.

Metalhead Uses Only Phone Call From Jail to Tell Random Person How Much He Thinks Ghost Sucks

Posted on April 21, 2022 by Chris Bowen

DETROIT – Metalhead Drew Fronski used his one and only phone call from the county jail to get one last unprovoked jab in at the band Ghost after an altercation with an Arby’s cashier, sources close to the man confirmed.

“Yeah, most people would have called their lawyer or whatever, but I’m not going to waste money talking to a lawyer about how much I hate Ghost,” said Fronski over the sounds of jangling chains wrapped around his hands and feet. “I’m not exactly sure how often I can get phone privileges in this dump so I needed to make my call count. Right now I have no way to comment ‘Ghost blows’ on Facebook and it’s driving me insane. When it came time to call someone I just closed my eyes, dialed at random, and began to rant at the person on the other end of the line about how much I hate those wannabe-metal posers.”

73-year-old Eileen Stewart, the recipient of the disgruntled call, admitted she was happy to talk to someone ever since her kids stopped calling.

“At first I assumed the call was from my grandson Jeff. But it turned out to be a man I’d never met and he barely let me get a word in,” Stewart explained. “Most of the time I had no idea who or what he was gabbing about, I think he was being haunted by someone dressed as the Pope or he just read that new ‘Casper the Friendly Ghost’ comic, which you can still get for a nickel down at the druggist by the way. But regardless of his abrasiveness and foul mouth, it was actually pleasant to hear someone’s voice.”

Warden of the Nedrow County Jail, Officer Randy Elliot, took time away from snoozing at his desk to weigh in on the goings-on.

“This City is full of hair bags like this guy. And every time I see them come through, it’s like clockwork,” said Elliot while randomly shredding papers from his desk. “They all just have some undying urge to let someone know what bands they hate. I suppose they’re too afraid to just say it to another inmate in here, out of fear of getting their asses royally beaten. I actually remember one guy was tossed in here for stealing a sewing machine, and he used his only phone call to remind his own mother Bon Jovi is poser pop-metal! Interesting characters indeed.”

At press time, Fronski was heard making a remark about how he needed just one more call to let someone know how much he only likes Metallica’s first demo.

BREAKING: Thing Would Make Great Bong

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

VALRICO, Fla. — According to reports coming out of the Shamrock Shopping Center Goodwill store, local marijuana enthusiast Travis Cross has reportedly found another thing that would make a great bong, curious shoppers report.

“With a little bit of Gorilla Glue, a dremel tool with a glass cutting attachment, some PVC piping, and that hooka I broke a few months ago, this thing would make a pretty killer bong,” Cross told his shopping companion while waving around a Precious Moments snow globe. “Plus it’s only five bucks, and today is yellow sticker day so it’s half off. One man’s trash is another man’s chillum. I better buy this before someone else snatches it up.”

Cross’ roommate and friend, Janice Ray, is starting to grow tired of his growing collection of possible smoking implements.

“Our living room is starting to look like The Old Yankee Workshop if Norm Abram was a stoner. Every day he brings home a doohickey he found in the trash, or a gismo he bartered for at a swap meet,” Ray said while throwing out a basketball trophy from 1987 Cross brought home last week. “He always says he’s going to turn it into a vaporizer or a steamroller but he ends up just getting high out of the bong he bought in high school and never gets around to anything. He has these lofty ambitions that he’s going to sell these things on Etsy or some shit. No one on Etsy wants to inhale burnt duct tape and hot-glue fumes, and if they need a bong that barely works that bad I’m sure they have an old toilet paper tube lying around.”

Marijuana sociologist Dr. Olga Jennings explained that there is nothing new in what Cross is doing.

“This kind of behavior dates as far back as history itself. Many experts believe that Adam and Eve actually used the apple from the Tree of Knowledge as a makeshift pipe, and that is what inspired God’s wrath,” Dr. Jennings explained while taking a toke out of a human skull. “If it can hold liquid and air can be passed through it, you can bet that someone will try to convert it into a bong. Some theorize that after they were used as tombs, people even tried to smoke out of the Great Pyramids of Egypt but no one was able to reach the carb.”

As of press time, Cross was in the checkout line of his local co-op holding a zucchini, bamboo wind chimes, and a beeswax candle.

Manager Questions Validity of Four Different Employees Claiming Their Pets Were Sprayed By Skunks on the Same Day

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Chris Bowen

SENECA FALLS, N.Y. — Local grocery store shift manager, Jane Nerrow, is suspicious as to why several of her employees claimed the odd smell they were giving off that day was caused by their pets being sprayed by skunks, sources confirmed.

“I mean, what are the odds? One of them says he had his dog at the vet’s, and some punk’s pet sprayed his dog right in the face,” Nerrow said. “Another claims they were taking care of their pet goldfish, then the second she took her eye off him, bam! Skunk came out of nowhere and got ’em. It’s truly scary times we’re living in. I have my doubts as to how they all had the same problem the same day, but it still makes more sense than the time a cashier came back from lunch break smelling like yeast because he was baking some bread. Everyone knows that takes at least three hours, and he only gets 30 minutes.”

Animal Control Officer, Gus Wilson, used his expertise to weigh in on the aromatic events of the day.

“Sure, around here, the skunks have been quite an issue in the past. Anymore, the actual calls regarding the rodents have been at an all-time low. The odd thing is, however, the stench of skunk has frequently been reported in certain areas, and especially around late April,” he explained. “Smells of skunk at park benches in the broad daylight, and especially in fast food restaurant parking lots have been increasingly high. We’re working on a tip we’ve received regarding the number of candy wrappers found at these scenes, must be our critter has a bit of a sweet tooth.”

An inspector at the bottling plant and alleged victim of the skunking, Gary Micolychek, made a statement in regard to being a victim of

“Dude, it was insane. I let my cat, Dio, in, and my entire apartment just became totally enveloped in that smell. That guy really must have emptied the tank on my poor kitty, and right before I had to go to work too,” Micolychek exclaimed. “It extra sucks too because now the brownies I baked for lunch smell like skunk too.”

At press time, Narrow had already received multiple requests for the day off on May 5th, 6th, and in one instance, 7th.

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