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BREAKING: Thing Would Make Great Bong

VALRICO, Fla. — According to reports coming out of the Shamrock Shopping Center Goodwill store, local marijuana enthusiast Travis Cross has reportedly found another thing that would make a great bong, curious shoppers report.

“With a little bit of Gorilla Glue, a dremel tool with a glass cutting attachment, some PVC piping, and that hooka I broke a few months ago, this thing would make a pretty killer bong,” Cross told his shopping companion while waving around a Precious Moments snow globe. “Plus it’s only five bucks, and today is yellow sticker day so it’s half off. One man’s trash is another man’s chillum. I better buy this before someone else snatches it up.”

Cross’ roommate and friend, Janice Ray, is starting to grow tired of his growing collection of possible smoking implements.

“Our living room is starting to look like The Old Yankee Workshop if Norm Abram was a stoner. Every day he brings home a doohickey he found in the trash, or a gismo he bartered for at a swap meet,” Ray said while throwing out a basketball trophy from 1987 Cross brought home last week. “He always says he’s going to turn it into a vaporizer or a steamroller but he ends up just getting high out of the bong he bought in high school and never gets around to anything. He has these lofty ambitions that he’s going to sell these things on Etsy or some shit. No one on Etsy wants to inhale burnt duct tape and hot-glue fumes, and if they need a bong that barely works that bad I’m sure they have an old toilet paper tube lying around.”

Marijuana sociologist Dr. Olga Jennings explained that there is nothing new in what Cross is doing.

“This kind of behavior dates as far back as history itself. Many experts believe that Adam and Eve actually used the apple from the Tree of Knowledge as a makeshift pipe, and that is what inspired God’s wrath,” Dr. Jennings explained while taking a toke out of a human skull. “If it can hold liquid and air can be passed through it, you can bet that someone will try to convert it into a bong. Some theorize that after they were used as tombs, people even tried to smoke out of the Great Pyramids of Egypt but no one was able to reach the carb.”

As of press time, Cross was in the checkout line of his local co-op holding a zucchini, bamboo wind chimes, and a beeswax candle.