Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a trip to 1992 to look back on The Offspring’s second studio album “Ignition.”
As an amateur molecular biologist, my first experience with The Offspring’s work came in 2013 when I stumbled across Dexter Holland’s published research paper titled “Identification of Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.”
You might be saying to yourself, “Wait, aren’t microRNA-like sequences embedded within protein-encoding genes, like, pretty easy to identify?” You’re damn right they are. That’s because I wrote an article that provided an incredibly easy way to pick them out of a crowd five years prior to the lead singer of The Offspring publishing this hogwash. That was MY research, Dex.
Even my paper was titled “The DEFINITIVE Guide to Identifying Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” I mean, the guide was clearly definitive, so there was no reason to ever try to top it. That’s literally not how science works. And so what if my article wasn’t published in some fancy scientific journal or even peer reviewed?
Clearly, certain members of The Offspring had ripped me off. I was sure of it. But two could play at that game.
That’s when I did a little research on my own about this guy and found some old album he once sang on called “Ignition.” So I did what any vengeful scientist would do and re-recorded those songs and put them out as my own. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I formed a band called the Notspring and we put out an album called “The REAL Ignition” to show him what’s what.
From “Session” to “Kick Him When He’s Down,” these songs are brief, yet aggressive. Also, pretty solid. Not gonna lie. The Offspring’s album was certified gold, so to one-up Dexter, as he did me, I had to make sure our version did even better. Not sure what that’s called though. Super duper gold, maybe?
Anyway, “The REAL Ignition” sold exactly zero copies. Turns out it’s way harder to succeed at stealing someone’s work in the music business than it is in the science biz.
Oh well, I’ll get him next time. I heard Dexter has his own brand of hot sauce. That’ll be my next white whale.
HYANNIS, Mass. — Local man Eddie Whitman surprised mourners at the funeral of his “best friend” Andreas Pimentel by relitigating the Myspace “Top 8” order that nearly ruined their friendship in 2006, confirmed multiple sources.
“Some people would say this was the wrong time and place to bring this up, but they’re wrong. I could have spent 20 minutes up there talking about how Andreas was a great friend to everyone and how his infectious smile lit up the room, but that wouldn’t have been genuine,” said Whitman while trying to avoid most of Pimentel’s immediate family. “This was a guy that ranked me third, fucking third, in his top 8 despite being best friends since preschool. Yeah, his sister took the first slot, but then Cassie Jarret was number two? They were only dating for like two months when he made that ranking.”
Pimentel’s parents admitted they were shocked by Whitman’s “tribute.”
“We have always loved Eddie like a son, but he crossed a line today. He called our son a ‘backstabbing snake’ no less than a dozen times. I don’t even know what he was mad about. He had a poster board he kept pointing at with some faces on it, but it didn’t make sense,” said the deceased’s father Donald Pimentel. “It seemed like Eddie has really been carrying some hate in his heart for years. But that doesn’t excuse the fact he tried to tip over the casket and ran out of the church screaming about how my daughter-in-law is a tramp.”
Psychologist Armond Delsol is one of the leading researchers into the effects social media has had on the population at large.
“Millenials are the first generation to be truly damaged by social platforms. When Myspace debuted its top 8 feature it caused complete havoc. There were certain rules you were expected to follow as far as ranking siblings, friends, and romantic partners,” said Delsol. “I’ve done extensive research and found that over 90% of the people that kept Tom as their number one ranked friend are far more likely to be classified as psychopaths. And lord help the people that only used their top 8 to show off bands that they like.”
At press time, witnesses report Whitman sitting in his car listening to Blink-182’s “Adam’s Song” on repeat at full volume.
It can be hard to choose your favorite, especially when there is so much to choose from. With an artist with as huge a discography as post-punk legends Joy Division, where even to start? Fortunately for you, we are going to do the hard work and dig through their entire oeuvre to figure out which are the 14 best albums from a band that had a much longer and fulfilling career in our timeline, because ours is frankly better. Your timeline seems like a real bummer.
Transmission, begin!
Dark Matter
This 1999 album from the Manchester quartet was a return to their original, dark post-punk sound. While some critics described the singles “Exercise Four” and “Space” as repetitions of past triumphs, time has proven this album to be a much-needed return to form, heightened by the production work of producer and ultra-marathon champion Martin Hannett.
Wait, wait happened to him in your timeline? That fucking sucks.
Commercial
In our timeline of 1982, Joy Division was one of the most successful bands on Warner Bros, but feeling the pressure of up and comers like Duran Duran and the critically-acclaimed A Flock of Seagulls. Commercial was their response to these upstarts, and its bright, horn-driven sound put them in their place.
Peter Hook Presents:
You people think a bassist shouldn’t be given full creative authority over a band. You people are wrong.
The Transparent Album
Their third album of 1979, the so-called “Transparent Album” was actually called “Ian Curtis, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, and Stephen Morris” but we call it a fucking collection of bangers. Damn, turn on “Neurosis” one more time for the good times!
Take a Walk for Your Health, Good Traveler
The merits of Joy Division’s progressive rock phase, inspired by their longtime friendship with Peter Gabriel, can be debated, but not the overwhelming power of the Billboard number one hit “Sing a Gentle Song, Foxface, For Winter in Northern England is Not a Pretty Penny to Pay for the Piper’s Price.”
The Cure For Epilepsy
Okay, granted this album sounds like shit, but listening to it does cure epilepsy so it ranks high on our list. I would have brought you guys a copy but, you know, the continuum and all.
Thank You President Gore
Wait, what happened here? Jesus.
All Drums, No Talk
It is what it sounds like, motherfuckers! Beats on beats on beats was the sound of 1994 in our much cooler timeline, and we’ve never heard of Oasis!
Dance Like You Don’t Want To
Ian Curtis wrote the entirety of this 2005 lo-fi album after being snowbound in a cabin in the Alps for three weeks. It literally made the Pope cry in our world.
Ice Ice Ice
Ice ice ice! Do the ice ice ice! Seriously, you guys are missing out on this one.
We Regret the Nazi Stuff
This 1985 spoken-word album by Bernard Sumner highlighted his legendary lyrical craftsmanship, and permanently put a close to Nazi imagery being used by edgelords.
Joy Division
The Ibiza-inflected rhythms of their 1991 self-titled album sparked what was called the “Summer of Drugs,” and convinced Margaret Thatcher to fucking lighten up.
Wait, what did she do to The Falkland Islands? Why?
Rock Me Amadeus
Joy Division’s longtime fascination with synthpop reached its full expression with this collaborative album with international superstar Falco. 1985 was truly a year of miracles, mein herr.
Love Has Brought Us Together
The 2016 reunion album. What can be said? When the legendary four embraced at Coachella, it healed a rift that healed a world.
In our timeline, Coachella is also the United Nations. You guys suck.
WASHINGTON — A new report from the Food and Drug Administration confirmed that the rate of teenagers rhyming the word “cigarette” with the words “night we met” has fallen to its lowest-ever rate.
“It was a decades-long process to get here, and we’ve had to fight for it every step of the way. Teenage usage hit its peak in 2004 after Blink-182 used that rhyme in ‘Feeling This.’ Every impressionable teen in America wanted to blast a cig at the skate park and get a neck tattoo. I know, I was one of them,” said Jeremy Hill, a media spokesperson for the FDA while flashing the devil horns hand gesture and sticking his tongue out. “Thankfully, the Blink albums in the 2010s kinda sucked, and even though The Menzingers have done us absolutely no favors, we seem to have things down to a couple of indie acts here and there. It’s really encouraging.”
Parents all across America were relieved by the news.
“It’s tough to raise a kid nowadays, especially because you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did when you were growing up,” said Alisha Levin. “I remember when I was a teenager, it was totally normal to get together with your friends and write a song about smoking cigarettes on the night you met the person you planned on going steady with. Of course, I regret it now, but we didn’t know as much back then. Thankfully, not a lot rhymes with ‘beer,’ so my little Joey can’t use that one until he gets older and his vocabulary gets better.”
Teenagers don’t seem too interested in the rhyme, as it simply doesn’t fit in with their lifestyles.
“Nobody smokes anymore, so using the word ‘cigarette’ in a song wouldn’t even occur to me,” said Tyler Shannon, the songwriter for local band Teacher’s Pet’s Pet. “People want songs that reflect their own lives, they want shit that’s relatable, that’s why we always close our shows with our song ‘Vine Compilations Saved My Life.’ For that one I actually found something to rhyme with ‘Snapchat.’ Let’s see Blink-182 do that. Oh, I just did it again!”
At press time, Shannon was seen checking Rhyme Zone to confirm that “broken heart” really does rhyme with “vape cart.”
LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix CEO Reed Hastings announced earlier this week that the streaming platform lost 200,000 monthly viewers last quarter, which amounted to exactly three paying subscribers. “We’re obviously very disappointed with our viewership numbers, but we’re more shocked that we lost half of our subscribing audience as well,” said Hastings. “We’re hoping that new original content, video games, and more interactive programs will get us back up to at least five subscribers.” The three cancellations affected tens of thousands of family members, friends, and acquaintances of the former subscribers, making them unable to watch quality programming like “Nailed It!” “Yeah, I don’t really remember the name of the guy whose account I use. We met one day when we were both waiting for the bathroom at the beach. We talked for like 10 minutes and they gave me their password,” said a viewer who lost access to their account. “Me and the other 48,000 people I shared their password with are heartbroken over it.” In order to recoup these losses, Hastings said Netflix was considering offering a cheaper, ad-supported plan for viewers, and finally showing “full cock” on the next season of “Bridgerton.”
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Whether it’s hiding backward satanic messages in their songs or non-consensually downloading their album to your iPhone, musicians are never happier than when slipping something naughty past you. One of their favorite games is to hide things in plain sight – often naming albums after sexual positions so obscure that the record labels don’t catch it. Those rascals! Here are 10 such albums.
Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back to Life” (1990)
A secret paean to female pleasure, and to just getting down on your knees and being there for your boo, this debut album was really our only chance to experience the sexy side of vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. A mere two years later, songs like “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Cunt” seemed to hint at a more careworn Fisher, hurt in love and wary of ever giving his heart away again.
An endearing collection of B-sides, out-takes and covers, with charming typewritten liner notes, this is probably the Pumpkins at their most loveable. So why then did they choose to name the album after a sexual position that manages to be simultaneously blasphemous to Christians, astrologers, traitors and fish? We simply don’t know.
Sleater-Kinney “Sleater-Kinney” (1995)
Confusingly, although the band are named after a road on a Washington interstate exit sign, their trailblazing “eponymous” debut album actually refers to a sexual position which is itself named after that same road system. This position requires the partners to interlock their legs in a way that exactly matches the configuration of the exit roads (see inset). This is approximately half way between a Beaufort’s Orthodox Scissor and a Euclid’s Groin Obtusion.
Sex Pistols “Never Mind the Bollocks…” (1977)
A British term that can mean nonsense or garbage, “bollocks” is also used by Brits as a slang term for testicles. The title of the Pistols’ only album is usually read to mean “ignore all the hullabaloo….”, but is in fact named after a once-fashionable sexual protocol in which a man entreats his partner to avoid touching his nuts. Album titles that were rejected include “Ain’t Faff With the Knackers….”, “Don’t Nudge Me Nadgers….”, and “Easy on the Goolies, Luv….”
The original recordings of all Sex Pistols songs are stocked in our store, get yours now. Click here: Sex Pistols “Original Records” 2LP
From Autumn to Ashes “Holding a Wolf by the Ears” (2007)
This is the only album on the list named after a “subjective sex position”. Which is to say – you imagine what “Holding a Wolf by the Ears” might consist of, and whatever you first thought of is what the position is for you. Additionally, every single song in this searing collection is also named after a sex position – highlights include “Sensory Deprivation Adventure”, “Daylight Slaving”, and sexiest of all, “Underpass Tutorial”. Hot!
You need more metalcore in the bedroom. Pick up a copy in our store: From Autumn to Ashes “Holding a Wolf By the Ears”
The Afghan Whigs “1965” (1998)
The Whigs’ soul-inflected grunge stylings had always been pretty sexy, but for the swaggeringly brilliant “1965” they moved to New Orleans and properly got their horn on. Does 1965 refer to lead singer Greg Dulli’s year of birth? Or the year of the first American space walk depicted on the cover? No. The “1965” is actually a four-person asymmetrical variant of the “69” which is banned in 48 states (for requiring “unconstitutional levels of admin”).
The Kelley Deal 6000 “Go to the Sugar Altar” (1996)
You’ve probably pretty much worked out what this position is already – just add some “Eyes Wide Shut”-esque quasi-religious pageantry and you’re all the way there. The Breeders lead guitarist / co-vocalist followed this album up with 1997’s “Boom! Boom! Boom!” (also a sex position), featuring the excellent lead-off single “Brillo Hunt” (also a sex position).
These Arms Are Snakes “Duct Tape & Shivering Crows” (2022)
This newly-released collection of fascinating rarities namechecks a theoretical, metaphorical sex position posited by math rock band Cosine Cosine in their 1989 essay/album “On the Priapic Constant”. However, any suggestion of sexual elitism should be countered by the inclusion of their perennial live-set closer and fan-favorite – a goofy cover of The Kinks’ 1967 hit “A Nice Bit of Mish”.
This sex position is not a Cold War reference as has long been speculated. In fact, it was named after a high-speed train line taking international volunteers to join the 1917 Russian Revolution – a fact that nearly caused staunch conservative Johnny Ramone to quit the band. The details of the position are mostly lost to history, however it is widely believed that the “rocket” refers to a man’s penis.
Sigur Rós “Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust” (2008)
The entire nation of Iceland colluded on this sick joke played by Sigur Rós, insisting to the rest of the world that the name of this deceptively beautiful album translated as “With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly” – which we all swallowed unthinkingly. Then last month, the very first non-Icelander ever to learn Icelandic finally blew the whistle on this hoax – revealing the utterly obscene and unprintable sex position that the album title in fact describes (graphically).
OGDEN, Utah — Open-minded cop Dennis Alvarez took several minutes to carefully weigh both sides of a fictional narrative he crafted inside his own head before making an arrest late yesterday afternoon, according to sources waiting to talk with a lawyer.
“As an officer of the law, it’s my job to serve and protect your average, everyday citizen, and in order to do that, I have to look at things objectively,” Alvarez said, of a recent vandalism citation that quickly turned into the assault and arrest of a 13-year-old child. “See on the one hand, if he would have just told me where his parents live none of this would be happening. But on the other hand, he clearly had something in his hand, and how the hell am I supposed to know it’s not a knife or a gun or even a grenade for that matter? I was afraid for my life.”
“If only there was something in place to show people who weren’t there exactly what happened, but as they say, it is what it is,” he added.
The bruised and arrested person in question, Robbie Steventon, appreciated the time the officer took to weigh his story.
“At first I thought we were gonna have another asshole just bullying us for no reason, but this guy was actually one of the good ones,” Steventon recalled, of his arrest and the three broken ribs sustained over the dicks he and his schoolmates were spray painting under an overpass. “He took into account both versions of what he was going to say if we told anyone about him punching my friend and reminded us several times that it would be our word against his, which was super helpful, especially because of how loud he kept saying it. He helped us realize that cops operate outside the law, and that’s a lesson I’ll carry with me forever.”
Legal experts state that impartial thinking in moments on the job is what can make an arrest or warning a safer experience for everyone involved.
“Having a clear, reasoning head in high-stakes situations such as an arrest is crucial when upholding the law,” said attorney Kay Alligo. “If more police officers took the time to consider both sides of the story they may use or change several times in order to forcefully assert their power over a community member, we’d have a lot less division in this country. Or at least, their commanding officers would have double the excuses to make for them.”
At press time, Alvarez was seen ethically threatening a sex worker to let him give her a ride home as it was “getting late, honey.”
Oh, hey there. This is a pretty cool party, right? I couldn’t help overhear a conversation you were having earlier when you said that you liked the vinyl that was playing. That’s cute. See, that record was actually an “LP.” Vinyl is simply the material that the record is made out of. That’s like calling a car a “steel” or because it’s made of steel, which would be embarrassingly silly of you. So… you come here alone?
Anyhow, do you want to know the rich and fascinating history of records? It’s really kind of funny when you pontificate upon the evolution of the vernacular. The most common faux pas is the confusion between EP and LP. We all know that LP means “long play,” which can be confusing to the uneducated because EP stands for “extended play,” even though it has a shorter run time. Oh, also, could I just stand close enough to feel the warmth of your body for a few seconds?
Get this. Back in the 50s, artists would often release singles to get exposure. So once they got airplay, and subsequently a bigger following, they would then cut an EP, which would be the extended play. Now it makes sense to you because you know what they were extending. Just like how I’m extending my arm towards you hoping you’ll reciprocate and I can finally experience some of the intimacy I’ve been hearing about all these years.
What do you mean your ride’s here?
No, it’s cool. It’s cool. I’m just going to freshen up my drink and see what vinyl, as you used to call it, is up in the rotation. I noticed that they had some Cool Ranch Doritos over there, but I never got why they called them that. Ranch is an inherently cool condiment so calling it Cool Ranch is really just a redundancy. Either way, I hope you have a good night now that you’re armed with knowledge that you didn’t have before. I hope it serves you well. But before you go, can you share some knowledge with me? For instance, what exactly is a “hug?”
TRENTON, N,J. — Music, the auditory art form which has been a part of humanity since antiquity, issued an apology for reportedly “saving the life” of utter piece of shit IT consultant Skyler Palmer.
“Even though I did not consciously try to alter Mr. Palmer’s life in any way, I do take accountability for my influence on idiots, morons, and creeps worldwide, including Skyler. For this, I am deeply sorry,” said Music, who has also come under fire in recent times for the massive popularity of uninspired bedroom black metal projects. “After meeting with many diverse thought leaders, I now realize that I have a uniquely powerful platform. I must use this platform for good, and stop empowering little dipshits like Skyler. No one likes him, and it would be better for everyone if he never had a good day again.”
Skyler Palmer, the total piece of shit in question, completely lacks the self-awareness to recognize how much of a piece of shit he is.
“Oh my God, music totally saved my life,” recounted Palmer, a total fuckwad. “I was sitting in the county courthouse waiting to appeal a restraining order when Arcade Fire’s ‘Wake Up’ started playing through the Bluetooth speaker I was blasting. It was at that moment I decided to quit my life of trying to go viral on Letterboxd with vulgar reviews of kids’ movies and begin a new life helping companies build out the IT infrastructure they need to support their mission-critical workflows. Add me on LinkedIn!”
Film, one of Music’s competing art forms, attempted to impart some advice to its much older peer.
“I’ve only been around for a century and some change, but I’ve learned a lot in that time—namely, people will use you to justify anything,” said Film, who recently apologized for convincing immature adults that comic book movies are real art. “At this point, I fully own the fact that movies like ‘Taxi Driver,’ ‘Boondock Saints,’ and ‘Idiocracy’ were mistakes. Only the shittiest people really latched onto those movies and used them to inspire awful behavior from tacky conversation to mass shootings. I think Music will learn a lot from this debacle. Fuck Skyler.”
Protestors are demanding further apologies from Music for grooming teenagers for decades only to set them up for complete financial ruin in middle age.
Hey, everybody? It’s me, Green Squadron Leader. I know we have a lot going on right now and this whole Death Star thing is at the top of the agenda, but there’s something that’s been troubling me lately.
I have a real problem with how we’ve been conducting these battle councils, and I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t speak up. I just have to say: as a non-religious member of The Rebel Alliance, I object to us ending all our meetings by saying “May the Force be with you.”
I want to be clear about this, I have no issues with anyone’s religion. People should be free to believe whatever they want, whether it is some ancient religion based on symbiotic microscopic lifeforms that live in your blood which happens to be shared by our enemy, Emperor Palpatine and his henchman Darth Vader, or just secular humanism. It is inherent to our shared desire to build a free and democratic New Republic that we support all opinions.
It just seems really pushy to make us all say it whenever we’re done doing strategy stuff, okay?
You need to understand how this makes us non-religious rebels feel. I don’t mean to be aggressive, but there are a lot of people in the Rebel Alliance who don’t believe in The Force. Do you think about how passively pushing them to go along with the majority belief will make them feel? I’m not alone here. I know Gold Leader over there is an atheist. Jek Tono Porkins? I know he’s just a low-ranking member of Red Squadron, but he has told me he feels uncomfortable whenever we all have to say this specific faith-based phrase that is meaningful just to one group of the Alliance.
Admiral Ackbar is Jewish.
I will just say this: it is clearly in the Rebel Alliance charter that no member, soldier, or Bothan spy should be required to adhere to religious principles they do not hold. Whether that takes the form of sending our children to the Yavin-4 school to be educated by Guardians of the Whills or just ending a simple X-Wing maintenance budgetary meeting, we should not have to say “May the Force be with you” just because we think it will be rude not to.
Please respect this.
And honestly, if the Force were real, it doesn’t seem like all those Jedi would have gotten blasted like womp-rats by stormtroopers who can barely shoot straight.
Anyway, let’s go get that Death Star!
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