How To Stop Yourself From Belting Out My Chemical Romance Every Time Someone Says “I’m Not Okay”

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

These days, few people are truly doing “okay.” Between unemployment, a global pandemic, and a tanking economy, it’s hard to simply feel “fine” anymore. So when you casually ask someone how they’re doing and they decide to honestly answer, “I’m not okay,” it can be tempting to burst into song, screaming every single lyric of My Chemical Romance’s “I’m not okay (I Promise).” As tempting as it may be, here are some helpful tips to not fucking do that.

Make yourself cry immediately
You can’t really sing when you’re crying your eyes out. Well, maybe you can. You are a fan of My Chemical Romance after all. At least crying will put out the fire in your brain to yell “Well, I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay!” albeit only temporarily.

Sing another My Chemical Romance song instead
There are tons of other MCR songs you can sing that are less on the nose and will feel like slightly less of a mockery of their feelings. Maybe try the one about what would happen if Tim Burton directed the Macy’s Day Parade.

Dramatically flip your emo bangs or scene kid hair, sending the same message but silently
This can actually be used in most situations. When in doubt, flip that swoop.

Run away and don’t ever look back
A classic emo move would be to skip out on your hometown, never to return or interact with anyone again. That place is too small for your big feelings anyway. Perhaps head to the city, to work in a gothic marching band. We hear Tim Burton is casting.

Roommates Dreading Chucks Without Socks Season

Posted on by Anna Walsh

RICHMOND, Va. — All but one of the residents of 135 Maple Street is dreading the onset of springtime weather, which coincides with housemate Georgina Mann wearing their Chucks sockless.

“I have severe seasonal depression so it’s medically necessary for me to find some joy in sitting in the sun when the temperature rises above 55. But since moving in with Gina, I dread when the temperature tips into sweating territory,” roommate Emilia Hun explained. “I’ve started turning the AC on as early as March so that the putrid foot smell doesn’t permeate the whole house. I’d open the windows but that shit has been painted over like eight times and they won’t budge. Hopefully, this fake sun lamp will keep me going.”

Mann herself doesn’t see a problem with raw-footing the shoes, which she’s kept in her possession since 2014.

“I’m a busy girl, I can’t be sifting through every pile of dirty clothes in my room just for socks. Plus, Chucks are specifically designed to ventilate a naked foot. What do you think those holes on the side are for?” Mann explained. “I wear these bad boys year-round, and removing socks from the equation is as big a harbinger of spring as tulips and the Easter Bunny. Sure, my Chucks take on a unique smell when it starts warming up, but so do the trees and flowers.”

The Chucks themselves, who go by Charlie, made a personal plea for help.

“As if spending the entire winter in some degree of soaking wetness, this fucking asshole has the utter disrespect to shove her wart-ridden feet into me without even the thin layer of protection from her decades-old socks,” the high-top shoes complained. “And did I mention Gina, who subsists only on beer and cigarettes, suddenly wants to get her 10,000 steps in every day? I’m genuinely afraid one of her roommates is going to throw me in the dumpster while she’s sleeping any day now. My life is in legitimate danger, but maybe it would be better that way.”

At the time of publication, Mann’s roommates were seen gathering lighter fluid, newspaper, dishwashing gloves, and giant tongs while she slept.

Photo by Jana Miller.

The Next Banksy? I Make Art and No One Knows Who I Am

Posted on by Zach Hudson

People are always comparing artists. You always hear someone being referred to as the next Picasso, the next Beethoven, and so on. Well, I’m not a great painter like Picasso and I can’t write symphonies like Beethoven. But given my artistic style, use of art as a form of protest, and the fact that no one knows who the hell I am, I believe I could be the next Banksy.

Of course, most everyone “knows” Banksy. But no one knows who they really are. Like myself, Banksy doesn’t make art for fame or fortune. It’s about the message. It’s about getting people thinking and talking. Sure, I have plenty of pieces for sale on social media and Etsy, but I don’t ever really advertise it. I’ll show you if you’d like though.

Also like Banksy, I have been making art for decades. We have both shredded our own artwork. I also like Massive Attack. The list goes on.

I don’t do graffiti, of course. All of my work is legal (and available on Etsy). Except for the piece I did on the boarded-up McDonalds on 12th and Fordsbush in Denver. You probably know it if you’re a local, but you can also see it on Google Street View if you’re not. I think it must be too edgy to have ever gone viral. Someone painted a dick over it a few days after it went up, but censorship is just par for the course for renegade artists like Banksy and me.

So when you talk to me, you may just be talking to the next Banksy. You may even be witnessing the very beginnings of a turning point in art and culture. In the meantime, pick something up on my Etsy page while supplies last. Who knows what it might be worth one day if anybody ever bothers to take an interest in my work.

Record Collector Wondering if Contractor Can Do Vinyl Flooring in 180-Gram Pink Marble Splatter

Posted on by John Danek

UPPER DARBY, Pa. – Vinyl enthusiast Michelle Oliver confounded contractors when she asked if vinyl flooring came in a 180-gram pink marble splatter option, the contracting community reported.

“We all know 180-gram weighting makes such a difference in audio fidelity, so why wouldn’t I want my ‘luxury’ vinyl flooring to be at least that good?” posited Oliver, whose vinyl collecting YouTube channel helped cover her fixer-upper house’s down payment. “And while we’re at it, we might as well go the distance with my favorite record colorway—pink marble splatter. It perfectly matches my ‘Hounds of Love’ reissue. If I could make a deal with God, I’d get him to rerelease Bush’s ‘The Kick Inside’ in a metallic gold vinyl run of 250.”

General contractor Tony Sabatino was completely baffled by Oliver’s request.

“People often ask what colors vinyl flooring can come in, but this is something entirely different. I have no idea what the hell Michelle is talking about,” confessed Sabatino, who is the fourth-generation owner of Delta Construction. “She keeps asking if we have splatter patterns, two-tone marbling, and ‘picture disk’ graphics. I told her we have slate, black, and wood grain. That’s it, those are the options. 180 grams? It’s gonna be a hell of a lot heavier than that, yes-sir-ree Bob. Get real.”

Record store owners admit that they’ve seen some collectors’ addictions creep into other aspects of their lives.

“One customer who frequents my shop literally chained himself to the parking lot gate of an Ikea in protest of their discontinuing their Expedit shelves which are famed for fitting records perfectly,” said Barb Kirchner, owner of Jotted Down Records. “Turns out Ikea just renamed it to the ‘Kallax’ but still, wild move. Another addict tried to pawn his girlfriend’s insulin for a Japanese import of The Smiths’ ‘Strangeways’ album. Sure, it’s a great album and that one was in excellent condition… you know, maybe I agree with that move. It has ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ on it.”

Oliver’s troubles continued, as she reportedly asked her befuddled mechanic if he could limit her Subaru Forester to 45rpm.

Future ‘Founder’ of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he founded the upstart platform in 2006.

“This is a victory for the little guy,” said Musk while wearing $17,000 sunglasses that he plans on throwing directly in the ocean later today. “The people will no longer be limited by ‘big tech’ and their draconian rules. When I first started Twitter back in my parent’s garage in Madison, Wisconsin, with only my knowledge of coding and a few hundred dollars, I knew I would eventually be able to force a hostile takeover that leaves hundreds of thousands of people pretending like they will delete their accounts.”

Reaction to the buyout from the public has been mixed.

“Elon is always at the cutting edge of technology. It started with PayPal, he basically invented paying online. Then he changed the game with Tesla. While everyone else was burning fossil fuels he said ‘no, I invented electricity, let’s make these cars run off of that.’ And now he’s taking a text-based platform and launching it into the next century by allowing even more types of text. Genius,” said Jeb “Jedi” Leventhal, a Silicon Valley-based tech blogger. “I can’t wait to see what he founds next. When you’re as smart as him, and dream as big as he does, you can found anything.”

At press time, Musk was rumored to be securing enough money to rewrite history and make himself a founding father of the United States.

Self-proclaimed Daria Morgendorffer More of a Tina Belcher

Posted on by Amanda Russel

Portland, Ore. — Local woman Rachel Vance claims that if she had a cartoon counterpart it would be the sarcastic, intelligent Daria Morgendorffer, despite ample evidence that she has more in common with the awkward and butt-obsessed Tina Belcher, friends and family confirmed.

“I’m totally a Daria and I’ve known it since I started watching reruns of the show on MTV2. I’m smarter than the people around me, I tell it like it is, and I’m super sarcastic and antisocial,” bragged Vance before accidentally spilling skim milk on her blouse and having a panic attack. “I suppose it’s not a perfect 1-to-1. For instance, instead of corporate jobs, my dad is a short-order burger cook and my mom drinks maybe a little too much wine. But look at my dorky glasses. Who else could I be besides Daria?”

Longtime friend Brent Thurston, however, vehemently disagrees.

“Oh, Rachel is like 95% Tina Belcher with maybe 5% Britta from ‘Community’ thrown in there. But Daria is one of the last fictional characters I would think to compare her to,” Thurston said. “She groans and mumbles under her breath to herself whenever she feels awkward, and that’s like, all time. Plus, she’s always creepin’ on someone, too, and that’s a Tina thing, not a Daria thing. Except when Trent was around, of course. I suppose she is sarcastic, but she doesn’t tell people off like Daria. Again, she’s a mumbler. And she’s really into horses.”

Sociology professor and human behavior expert Myron Fitzpatrick shared his two cents on the phenomenon of always thinking we are the most badass character in the cartoon show.

“It is incredibly common for people to see traits of themselves in admirable characters, whether those traits are actually present or not. ‘Daria’ has done quite a number on mousy Millennial and Gen X women,” explained Fitzpatrick. “But men are not immune to this phenomenon either. The male students in my class always think they’re rebellious, badass Bart Simpsons, but everyone can’t be a Bart. In fact, the wide majority of the men in these generations are dimwitted, crayon-up-the-nose Ralph Wiggums because, unfortunately, the world is full of Ralphs.”

When reached for comment, Vance wordlessly retreated to her room to work on her erotic fan fiction.

Report: Parking Costs More Than Show Ticket

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DALLAS — Skeptical show-goers recently expressed dissatisfaction following the realization that venue parking fees are more expensive than their ticket of admission.

“I’ve been waiting to see Embrace Face for so long and I finally saved up enough money to buy tickets, so you can imagine how pissed off I was when the parking was more than double the price of that,” said an upset Miranda Richardson. “How are you going to charge me an obscene price to park my car in between two overflowing dumpsters in a gravel parking lot a mile away from the actual venue? And then, it’s cash only. What is it, like, 2005, who carries cash anymore? If I wanted to spend a million dollars on a night out I’d go see a movie.”

Local government officials finally broke their silence on the issue and addressed the astronomical parking rates.

“Unfortunately, we cannot control the prices of these parking lots owned by private venues. The city does offer a couple of crooked parking meters that might work, but really folks, your best bet would be the newly built multi-million dollar parking garage that unhoused hundreds of working-class families,” said city manager Randy Bowerman. “Don’t even ask me about enhancing our public transport system. The city provides at least two semi-reliable bus routes and train stations that will take you directly to a 30-minute walking distance from your destination up to 10:30 p.m. on the weekends, and 8:50 on weeknights. If you don’t like paying for parking, that’s always an option.”

Thanks to inflated parking fees, performing musicians have complained about the lack of crowds in several major cities across the country.

“At first I thought the low audience numbers were because we sucked and lost the battle of maintaining relevancy in modern times, but that definitely isn’t right. It’s gotta be the price of parking that’s literally driving everyone away,” said Legal Tender lead guitarist Evonne Langley. “Honestly, people just need to grow up and wake up at 6 a.m., go to a coffee shop near the venue, order a small coffee, and sit in your car for 12 hours until the show starts. You know, like responsible adults.”

The following night, many concert-goers illegally parked their cars for free due to the relatively inexpensive cost of parking tickets.

Feel Old Yet? All the Guys From Lemon Party Are Dead Now

Posted on by Max Barth

With all the deaths of celebrities we grew up watching, it can be easy to feel absolutely ancient these days. Personally, I felt this way when I learned that every single dude from Lemon Party was dead. It blew my mind. Like, when did that happen? Last I saw, those guys were spry as can be! It really makes you think.

After completing some exhaustive research, taking breaks only to send a certain link to my friends from middle school, here’s what I’ve compiled about the demise of the three early-internet icons.

Lemon Party was comprised of David Swan, Tom Nue, and Ritchie “Legs” Messina. They inspired generations of people to pursue their dreams, no matter how hard they appeared. Their groundbreaking talent, which superseded their lack of mainstream acceptance, simply had to be seen to be believed. But once you saw them, they were unforgettable.

“We never wanted to be put in a box,” said Swan, in an interview shortly before his passing last month. “Well, Legs wanted to try that. But we never got around to it.”

Apparently, Legs passed away tragically in 2005 following several strokes, which forever changed the group.

“Legs was the heart of the group. He was in the middle of it all, every time,” said Nue. “It didn’t look like it, but he was in charge. He was very dominant.”

Swan’s solo efforts went on, though he never stirred up quite the same amount of attention on his own. Not that he was bothered by it. “It was a pet project, just for my own enjoyment,” Swan said. “It wasn’t the same without the boys but I still had stuff inside that I needed to get out.”

When asked whether it was difficult to continue in the shadow of Lemon Party, Swan was typically blunt. “Yes. Of course! You tell people you were in Lemon Party, they expect a very specific thing.” He died immediately after giving this quote.

Desperate Pick Clings to Inside of Guitar in Terror

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

AUSTIN, Texas — A desperate guitar pick is currently clinging to the inside body of an acoustic guitar belonging to beginner musician Vernon Nixon, nearby sources indicated.

“I have never been so terrified in my life. From the moment that man picked me up, I knew I was in trouble,” said the pick, an orange Dunlop nylon variety. “His fingers were so sweaty, and his attempts to play the riff from ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine before he even got a grip on a damn G chord was so, so bad. I don’t want to be used for that. No pick does. I was just lucky that he dropped me in here, but I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I’m just a lightweight gauge, I wasn’t made for this.”

Nixon was unaware of the pick’s fevered, frantic attempts to hide from him.

“It is so fucking annoying when this happens,” Nixon said, peering into the guitar’s soundhole while the pick tried to muffle a scream at the sight of him. “What is there to even get caught on in there? Is there some vortex where picks disappear when you accidentally drop them right as you’re about to get that dee-dee-DEE moment right for the first time? I swear it’s like this thing is doing this on purpose.”

Luis Alvarez, a part-time guitar teacher, had sympathy for the guitar pick.

“In all my experience instructing people in the exquisite art of the guitar, I have learned one thing—guitar picks do not like what we do to them,” Alvarez said with a faraway look in his eyes. “And who can blame them? To handle them so roughly, strike them against dirty steel strings, stick them in our filthy mouths while we flip through tablature… what we do to them is torture, and one day the guitar picks will say ‘no more’ and turn on us. And on that day, we will deserve it.”

As of press time, the pick was hatching a plan to make out of the guitar, through a load of laundry, into the garbage with the lint, and perhaps, one day, to freedom.

Review: The Offspring “Ignition”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a trip to 1992 to look back on The Offspring’s second studio album “Ignition.”

As an amateur molecular biologist, my first experience with The Offspring’s work came in 2013 when I stumbled across Dexter Holland’s published research paper titled “Identification of Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.”

You might be saying to yourself, “Wait, aren’t microRNA-like sequences embedded within protein-encoding genes, like, pretty easy to identify?” You’re damn right they are. That’s because I wrote an article that provided an incredibly easy way to pick them out of a crowd five years prior to the lead singer of The Offspring publishing this hogwash. That was MY research, Dex.

Even my paper was titled “The DEFINITIVE Guide to Identifying Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” I mean, the guide was clearly definitive, so there was no reason to ever try to top it. That’s literally not how science works. And so what if my article wasn’t published in some fancy scientific journal or even peer reviewed?

Clearly, certain members of The Offspring had ripped me off. I was sure of it. But two could play at that game.

That’s when I did a little research on my own about this guy and found some old album he once sang on called “Ignition.” So I did what any vengeful scientist would do and re-recorded those songs and put them out as my own. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

I formed a band called the Notspring and we put out an album called “The REAL Ignition” to show him what’s what.

From “Session” to “Kick Him When He’s Down,” these songs are brief, yet aggressive. Also, pretty solid. Not gonna lie. The Offspring’s album was certified gold, so to one-up Dexter, as he did me, I had to make sure our version did even better. Not sure what that’s called though. Super duper gold, maybe?

Anyway, “The REAL Ignition” sold exactly zero copies. Turns out it’s way harder to succeed at stealing someone’s work in the music business than it is in the science biz.

Oh well, I’ll get him next time. I heard Dexter has his own brand of hot sauce. That’ll be my next white whale.

SCORE: 5 out 5 microRNA-like sequences.

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