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Roommates Dreading Chucks Without Socks Season

RICHMOND, Va. — All but one of the residents of 135 Maple Street is dreading the onset of springtime weather, which coincides with housemate Georgina Mann wearing their Chucks sockless.

“I have severe seasonal depression so it’s medically necessary for me to find some joy in sitting in the sun when the temperature rises above 55. But since moving in with Gina, I dread when the temperature tips into sweating territory,” roommate Emilia Hun explained. “I’ve started turning the AC on as early as March so that the putrid foot smell doesn’t permeate the whole house. I’d open the windows but that shit has been painted over like eight times and they won’t budge. Hopefully, this fake sun lamp will keep me going.”

Mann herself doesn’t see a problem with raw-footing the shoes, which she’s kept in her possession since 2014.

“I’m a busy girl, I can’t be sifting through every pile of dirty clothes in my room just for socks. Plus, Chucks are specifically designed to ventilate a naked foot. What do you think those holes on the side are for?” Mann explained. “I wear these bad boys year-round, and removing socks from the equation is as big a harbinger of spring as tulips and the Easter Bunny. Sure, my Chucks take on a unique smell when it starts warming up, but so do the trees and flowers.”

The Chucks themselves, who go by Charlie, made a personal plea for help.

“As if spending the entire winter in some degree of soaking wetness, this fucking asshole has the utter disrespect to shove her wart-ridden feet into me without even the thin layer of protection from her decades-old socks,” the high-top shoes complained. “And did I mention Gina, who subsists only on beer and cigarettes, suddenly wants to get her 10,000 steps in every day? I’m genuinely afraid one of her roommates is going to throw me in the dumpster while she’s sleeping any day now. My life is in legitimate danger, but maybe it would be better that way.”

At the time of publication, Mann’s roommates were seen gathering lighter fluid, newspaper, dishwashing gloves, and giant tongs while she slept.

Photo by Jana Miller.