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They’re Actually Called LP’s, Not Vinyls, and on an Unrelated Note There’s Nothing I Wouldn’t Do Just To Feel the Warmth of Another Human’s Touch

Oh, hey there. This is a pretty cool party, right? I couldn’t help overhear a conversation you were having earlier when you said that you liked the vinyl that was playing. That’s cute. See, that record was actually an “LP.” Vinyl is simply the material that the record is made out of. That’s like calling a car a “steel” or because it’s made of steel, which would be embarrassingly silly of you. So… you come here alone?

Anyhow, do you want to know the rich and fascinating history of records? It’s really kind of funny when you pontificate upon the evolution of the vernacular. The most common faux pas is the confusion between EP and LP. We all know that LP means “long play,” which can be confusing to the uneducated because EP stands for “extended play,” even though it has a shorter run time. Oh, also, could I just stand close enough to feel the warmth of your body for a few seconds?

Get this. Back in the 50s, artists would often release singles to get exposure. So once they got airplay, and subsequently a bigger following, they would then cut an EP, which would be the extended play. Now it makes sense to you because you know what they were extending. Just like how I’m extending my arm towards you hoping you’ll reciprocate and I can finally experience some of the intimacy I’ve been hearing about all these years.

What do you mean your ride’s here?

No, it’s cool. It’s cool. I’m just going to freshen up my drink and see what vinyl, as you used to call it, is up in the rotation. I noticed that they had some Cool Ranch Doritos over there, but I never got why they called them that. Ranch is an inherently cool condiment so calling it Cool Ranch is really just a redundancy. Either way, I hope you have a good night now that you’re armed with knowledge that you didn’t have before. I hope it serves you well. But before you go, can you share some knowledge with me? For instance, what exactly is a “hug?”